Snide young aristocrat to Benjamin Disraeli: Excuse me, Sir, but do you know what a kike is?
Benjamin Disraeli: Yes, I do, Sir. A kike is a Jewish Gentleman who has just left the room.
I am Jewish largely for the purpose of embarrassing anti-Semites at parties. Jonathan Miller
Archie Bunker: You know, what gets me about these Hebrews? They ain’t honest; always sneaking around and changing their names, so you never know who’s who and what’s what. But I got a way you can tell. They change their last names; but they keep their FOIST names: SOLOMON Johnson – a Jew; MOSES Bennett – a Jew ; JOSHUA Brown – a Jew … Meathead: ABRAHAM Lincoln …
In a world like ours, it is immoral to deny being Jewish. Charles Chaplin
The choice of Joseph Lieberman as vice-presidential nominee by Al Gore has prompted the today’s topic. You were going to get a very tasty little six-week retrospective and update of the essays I have thrown into atmosphere thus far, but I must safeguard the reputation for topicality that Storytelling has achieved in its short lifetime. Have no fear, sweet citizens; those essays will be updated. Keep watching this space.
So, as I understand it, this Joe Lieberman guy is Jewish, or as Lee Alcorn, late lamented head of the Dallas NAACP, might put it: “A Jew person.” The news media has been thoughtfully reporting on the fact of Mr. Lieberman’s religion every ten minutes; this is confusing in and of itself, as for years and years we have been referring to Jews in all the best anti-Semitic literature as a “race.” Then, for a space, there was a debate whether it was more accurate to say: “Race” or “Religion”. Now apparently the decision has been made in favor of Religion; I, for one, am grateful. The tension of waiting was starting to get me down.
I’m not sure how accurate a decision it was, however. When people were banning Jews from Country clubs and golf parks and various professions, was it because of their liturgy, really, or because of their parentage? Would a non-practicing, non-Kosher Jew be allowed into a restricted fraternity, when his more Orthodox brothers were not? Good question. Blood always tells in such situations.
My great-grandfather was Jewish, so the story goes. It’s hard to tell positively; the family genealogists all lost interest for some reason, when they got to Grandpappy 2. He was the first Loeb we know about. According to family legend he was keeping company with a Gentile girl. This being 19th century Christian Germany, their whispered sweet-nothings were constantly being drowned out by the muttering of their neighbors. When they decided to get hitched, you could smell the feathers and hot-tar a mile away – or was that the scent of torches and the whistle of someone swinging a hangman’s noose? They made a dash for the nearest leaky boat with room in steerage headed for the new world; they made it just ahead of a reception-crashing committee consisting of most of the town and all of the hounds. Ah, for the good old days when people REALLY cared about the sacrament of marriage.
The boat docked in Beria, Canada, which at the time was a very actively German émigré community; you know the type: more German than Germany. So our lovebirds were still in danger of being roasted – and stuffed. GP2 had a notion; The most Jewish part of him was his name, Loeb, so what if he changed it to something more Gentile – say, Cavendish or Ford? But, like many immigrants, he had a fondness for the ole moniker; so he decided to cleverly disguise it – as LOEBS. Yes, it was a diabolically brilliant plan; add an “S”, no one will EVER suspect! And the amazing thing was, it worked! Yes, they settled into good old Beria as Catholics or Lutherans or something, and told everybody the Menorah on the mantle was a candelabra and GP2 was a concert pianist. And they BOUGHT it! It must have been from this incident that our family convinced itself that we are all masters of guile; ever since we have attempted various scams, cons and ploys, none of which have ever succeeded. The slightest hint of prevarication invariably blows up in our faces. Thus we have been forced against our will to worship at the altar of Truth; honesty only destroys you about half the time.
So I grew up the latest of three generations of Episcopals – of course, I am currently a Methodist. Don’t ask me how this happened; I seem to have taken a left turn at Albebeecorkey. Once GP2 was discovered I found myself in the opposite situation of Benjamin Disraeli; he was a Jew, who was legally Christian by near-accident (his father got in a fight with the Rabbi and in a snit had Ben baptized.) I am Gentile by culture, religion and upbringing; Jewish by a very small amount of blood. I also enjoy embarrassing anti-Semites at parties. At one job I had selling art supplies and framing, a co-worker was going on and on about how awful it was to have a Jewish customer: they were pushy; they had no taste; they all wanted a bargain; they would pressure and cheat you if they could.
“Gosh,” murmured I, guilelessly. “My grandfather isn’t like that; he’s nice.” Embarrassment reigned.
“Shit,” said my co-worker. “You’re JEWISH? Why didn’t you tell me? You’ve been letting me tell kike jokes for two years!” Yep, that was MY fault. And it was hardly the only time; Jew-baiting is pretty common in our culture when Jews aren’t around.
Actually, my friend – and he was my friend – was right; ALL our customers were like that: pushy, rude and crass. Sorry, retail does not bring out the angel in its patrons. But he only really noticed the negatives in those who looked or sounded Jewish.
In much the same way, we only notice, and the Media only gleefully reports, anti-Semitism by Arabs or Blacks. I expect to hear about infinitely stupid Lee Alcorn, and the unwise mouthings of Jesse Jackson for months; the endless stream of anti-Semitic gaffes by Born-Again Christians are two-minute wonders, instantly forgiven; instantly forgotten. The anti-Jewish rages of Agnew and Nixon on the famous tapes are barely mentioned. Did you know that “Impudent snobs” and “Effete intellectuals” were supposed to be explicitly aimed at Jews? I only found out about that a couple of months ago. Agnew told everyone he could that the Jews had “got” him once he left office; but there is a gentlemen’s agreement among reporters that anti-Semitic comments are a small lapse in judgment, if the speaker is White; it’s only news if he’s Black.
My feeling is that Blacks have only had national spokespeople whose opinions mattered to Whites for the last thirty years; they have yet to learn the graceful, nuanced hypocrisy of White America, honed over centuries. Blacks need to learn the codewords: “cosmopolitan”, “sophisticated”, “cynical”, “international”. They need to say “The Jews have suffered over the years, but…” “I know many fine Jewish people, but…” “Only the very few Jews have ever…” Because we know most of the Gentile populace only hears the words “Jews” and “But…”
Let’s practice: Suppose you want to cast doubt on Hitler’s extermination of the Jews. You don’t say, “The Jew media has lied and falsified data about this supposed Holocaust for half a century.” That will just get you in trouble. You say: “These so-called Holocaust revisionists just may have a point. I haven’t studied the matter in depth but we all know that the politically correct, sophisticates who run the international Media are certainly capable of listening only to one another. They are so clannish. Any theory which doesn’t fit their cosmopolitan, cynical world view gets swept under the rug.” Enough people will get your meaning.
And while I’m on tear, if Hollywood is so damn Jewish, why is it that during the period of the great Jewish moguls, and certainly all the old time studio heads were Jewish, did Hollywood churn out completely white bread, utterly Gentile fantasies, with heroes and heroines who were Irish and British? Because those Moguls were desperate to assimilate; they married Gentile women and identified with a largely imaginary Gentile world – to the point of savagely suppressing any criticism of Hitler or mention of anti-Semitism.
So now we have a Jewish Vice-Presidential candidate; we can’t stop congratulating ourselves for it; still, I can’t help wondering what is being said under the radar, in private, in the clubs and bars and living rooms. A lot of us aren’t anti-Semites – but still I wonder. Some Jews worry that Lieberman’s nomination will bring out intense hatred. That seems paranoid, and yet…
I am as much a blue-eyed, blond WASP as this country produces; yet the mother of my first serious girlfriend instantly keyed on my name. The minute she got my girl alone she groaned, “I don’t know what I did to get the girls I raised; one of you married a Pollock – the other one wants to marry a Jewboy!”
At least she was smart enough not to say it on the news.
