Falcon Presto. Alfonso Crept. Frances Ploot. Preston Falco. The four of them crack reporters in a cracked world. These people bring you the stories no one else dares to.
Presto - former Marvel employee, fired for knowing too much. Has a really big nose.
Crept - ex CIA agent and bullshit world record holder. Picks at his feet.
Ploot - sophisticated, buxom, an arse to kill for and an ability that we can only talk about on www.sexmeupbaby.com.
Falco - one of the other three writing under a bad pseudonym.
These are Spoof Central - be afraid or just piss off!
It's not often that the Spoof Central mail bag receives anything like an intelligent letter, so you can imagine the surprise we had when out of the blue we received this letter from Stig Olafsansonson of Acacia Avenue, Oslo. Stig is a long-time comics fan, who believes in the freedom of expression:
"Reading Spoof Central's fascinating and thinly-veiled attacks at the comics fans' attitudes towards sex in comics, made me realise something about being an European in a British/American society...
"Masturbation is treated as something that is done by other, less fortunate, people than ourselves.
"I read a very contemporary article on masturbation recently in a medical journal of my father's (a family practitioner) that stated, quite humourously, that of the women asked if they masturbate, 73% of them were liars. According to my father we all do it, some of us do it in our sleep, some of us do it in the bath, many do it on the toilet, many more do it while using something to stimulate their imagination. This, according to my father and seconded by me, is to intensify the orgasm. Orgasms from masturbation are different than those through penetrative sex. Which probably explains why men enjoy having a pull whenever they can.
"In Norway, Sweden and Denmark, nudity and sex are a given. Masturbation, while still maybe not as socially acceptable as kissing, hasn't got the stigma the British and Americans have attached to it. A friend of mine was caught tossing one out by his mates after the pub a few months ago - the only difference was that instead of doing it with a copy of Penthouse in his mits he had some hentai manga. I defended him by showing them some of my Eros comics and explaining to them that they weren't really designed for kids, your aunt at Sunday teatime or for anything other than stimulation. Fortunately for me and my friend this led to much debate about how long the artists took to draw the books with the knowledge that many of their right hands will be working overtime!
"I personally have found unusual wank material floating around in the virtual and the real and I'm pretty sure many of you reading this have as well. It isn't limited to single people only and there's a good chance that your wife does it a couple of times a week and you may never be aware. My younger brother had one looking over the ocean.
"Therefore, it doesn't really matter if there's an industry that produces piles and piles of 'pornographic' comic books, the worst it does it encourage a spot of pocket billiards. So don't be ashamed that you give it the five knuckle shuffle - having a wank is better than having a war!"
We decided to let Falcon Presto (he has plenty of experience) field the answer to this one:
The one thing I've always admired about the Scandinavians is their forthright and frank approach to things. However, did you have any idea that we'd use this letter in a feeble attempt to ridicule you and grab a few cheap knob gags? Yet, I found your letter quite charming and instead of trying to come up with a long and probably unfunny attack on your person and your personal habits, I thought I'd address your letter with the same level of respect you gave the subject. Stig, I'm sure you're a lovely bloke, but you really have to stop your brother from doing this. It's a form of exhibitionism and will probably end up with you both facing some criminal charges for obscenity. Besides, isn't there enough polution in the North Sea without your brother clogging up the slews with his milky Norwegian jizzum. I think you've been watching too many Farrelly Brothers movies, matey boy. Wanking isn't big and it isn't clever and if you're on holiday in Greece you can't even flush away the evidence (can you, Preston?).
However, you have made me think about something. Why? What must have been going through Bill Willingham's mind when he was producing Ironwood for Eros? Did he think, 'hmm, a lot of lonely, spotty, greasy kids will be having a good pull over this one'? Was his commitment purely financial and did he use real life models and did he get to have any extra-curricular activity with them? Was there jelly involved? Can I see the photos?
I suppose it's an unwritten thing. Comics creators will produce comics that inspire male comic readers to fantasise. Or in many cases prove to be educational, heck, I never knew it was there until I read Bondage Fairies. It might leave an unpleasant taste in some peoples' mouths (especially if you're standing open mouthed in the wrong place), but the cold (or in most cases hot) hard facts are that while people are doing it, they'll do it with whatever they can lay their hands on. I mean, only last night I was with Hilda the goat and a stack of Maze Agency comics...
That was Falcon Presto sponsoring Kleenex for Spoof Central and wiping the stains of embarrassment from the screens of SBC readers.
We need name for the Spoofer's Message Board. Make your suggestions at Spoof Central HQ.
