Falcon Presto. Alfonso Crept. Frances Ploot. Preston Falco. The four of them crack reporters in a cracked world. These people bring you the stories no one else dares to.
Presto - former Marvel employee, fired for knowing too much. Has a really big nose.
Crept - ex CIA agent and bullshit world record holder. Picks at his feet.
Ploot - sophisticated, buxom, an arse to kill for and an ability that we can only talk about on www.sexmeupbaby.com.
Falco - one of the other three writing under a bad pseudonym.
These are Spoof Central - be afraid or just piss off!
Ever wondered if there are real life celebrities who read comic books? You know the kind: famous people who aren’t writing, drawing, inking or colouring a comic book? This doesn’t include celebrities who might have written or got involved in comics at some point or another (Bill Mumy, that actor guy from Battlestar Galacticrap, um… err…).
This week I’m going to be looking at real life megastars who just happen to collect comic books and I promise you, amazement is only one of the words that will be used to describe how you feel after this breathtaking, controversial and, at times, terrifying exposé!
[The sound of a thousand French horns playing across a shot of the Californian cityscape, an interjection from Robert Conrad – the voice of Frank Cannon – “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to…
Comic Collections of the Rich and Famous with your regular host… Falcon Presto]
Cue Falcon Presto walking down a Malibu beach wearing a tuxedo, and holding a microphone and a Wal-Mart bag full of comic books. He promptly empties the contents of the bag onto the sand, and as the camera pans across copies of Showcase #4, Spider-Man #1, The Yellow Kid and an issue of Don Perlin’s Ghost Rider, the sea comes in and washes the books away…
Comics: worth a fortune or worthless packages of poo? To you and me these comics [points at the focused issues floating out into the Pacific] are worthless pieces of paper. But would it surprise you if I said that the comics you saw being carried away by the tide were actually worth over $100,000,000? We might be right in thinking that comics are hideously garish pieces of excreta not worth the toilet paper we wipe our collective bottoms on, but to some very, VERY, famous people comics are the most important thing in their lives – other than the fame, the drugs, the sex and the exquisite fine wines and foodstuffs. [Camera cuts to pictures of famous people with their features obscured]
The problem is, no one in Hollywood wants to talk about his or her passions for comic books. Not even Toby Maguire, star of the amazingly popular Spider-Man film, is remotely interested in comics. ‘I read a few when I was a kid’, said Maguire, ‘but I didn’t exactly have to do extensive reading to play Peter Parker. In fact I watched Rocky III for my research.’ However, Maguire’s co-star Kirsten Dunst was a revelation. ‘Oh I just love comics and oh, those comics fans, they are sooooo HOT!’ [Camera follows Dunst out of interview room where she crumples into a fit of giggles and what sound like delicate little farts.]
Our next port of call was Beverley Hills where we decided to do an impromptu Garage cum Bring and Buy Sale in front of Nicholas Cage’s house. We were told by a rather nervous looking Spanish maid called Consuella that Mr Cage was on location and no, she could not see a problem with us selling a load of comics on Mr Cage’s drive. However, this didn’t appear to be the case when four police cars arrived within 10 minutes of us selling a copy of Epic’s 1984 to a man who appeared to look a little like Freddie Prinze Jr. Our stall was cleared into the back of a large white police forensics van and myself, and my cameraman, lighting guy and sound bloke were all strip searched in a dimly lit backroom in what seemed like a seedy hotel on the outskirts of East LA. After a conversation with what Officer Rumsvelt called ‘Mr Sticky’ I agreed not to return to Mr Cage’s house or that part of Beverley Hills without an invitation. [The camera follows a nightstick/truncheon being repeatedly brought down hard on Falcon Presto’s knees.]
[Comics Collections of the Rich and Famous will return right after this word from our sponsor]
Welcome back! So far we’ve got absolutely nowhere in our search for Rich and Famous comics fans. There are a number of them in the UK, but unfortunately no one in the USA would know whom I was talking about so the point is rendered a bit moot.
Our search takes us to the home of reasonably famous and quite rich comics creator Todd McFarlane. McFarlane is probably best known as being the pillock who spent a fortune on a bunch of essentially worthless balls, has also created the marginally successful comics character called Spawn and recently had his own cable TV show that was so awful even his mother only taped it and promised her son that she’d watch it later.
[At this point in our show, a man wearing a very expensive suit and claiming to be the lawyer for the company we’re currently contracted to appeared. He explained to me and my lighting guy – who once played a lawyer in Ally McBeal – that McFarlane (who from now on must be referred to as ‘The Lovely Todd’) has taken injunctions out in 49 US states banning the use of certain words in context with his name. These words include: spent a fortune, balls, marginally, Spawn, awful, mother, and worthless. So if this program wants to continue discussing The Lovely Todd it will have to go to Alaska.]
We arrived in Alaska feeling slightly fronded, but determined to finish the program. Then something earth shattering happened! On our desk was the telephone number of Michael Jackson’s agent. Apparently the world famous entertainer and man of questionable practices has one of the biggest in the world! Comics collections, that is, and wanted us to visit Neverland so we could finish our documentary in style.
However, within an hour of us arriving at Jackson’s Californian hideaway my lighting guy found a receipt in the trash from a reputable LA comics retailer for $2,450,000.00. Jackson had only the previous day been and purchased an entire comics collection. The singer’s recent amazing revelations on television had driven him to desperate measures. Despite his advisors telling him that comics fans tend to like tall white men with poodle perms who sing rock anthems in stadiums around the world and not diminutive formerly black soul singers with a penchant for small boys. Shortly before leaving Jackson’s estate, I turned to the genuinely mad bastard and said, “You could always let the kids read them?” To which he answered, “I wouldn’t let my children read shit like that.” We went to leave, but to our horror discovered we were stuck there!
We were stuck in Neverland and escape looked almost hopeless because my lighting guy had disappeared. But it turns out he was busy doing a deal with Wacko about the singer’s newly acquired comics collection. Lighting guy told Jackson that he knew of a 12-year-old boy who was suffering from an incurable disease and only the comics could save his life.
[Meet Steve. Steve used to be my lighting guy. He’s now the producer of this show. Hi Steve.]
The sad truth is even if a famous person did read comics they wouldn’t broadcast the fact. I mean, allegedly Brittany Spears dumped Justin Timberlake because he took the piss out of her being a big Superman fan. Jo Lo and Daredevil’s Ben Affleck split up not for the widely reported reasons but because Ms Lopez is a huge Marvel Comics fan and Ben thinks she’s a dork. Catherine Zeta Jones didn’t marry Michael Douglas because of the size of his tool shed you know! They’re both big superhero fans and she boasts two of the biggest in comics – Marvel AND DC collections! However, if this news became widespread we’d probably end up getting sued for a million – can you imagine the headlines: Zeta Jones reads Batman. Douglas is manga mad!
Can you imagine to gorgeous Zeta Jones lounging naked on a heart-shaped bed reading the latest Love & Rockets? Yes, you probably can, can’t you? Should be bloody ashamed of yourselves.
[Segue straight back to the beach, Presto surrounded by sexually athletic Malibu beach babes all looking at him with longing and passion etched on their faces. He looks earnestly at the camera and says…]
One day, someone famous will come out of the closet and declare comics to be good fun and not at all the image of a lonely fat slob masturbating over Barry Blair’s sexually imaginative, but incorrect, pictures that most of us have.
This is Falcon Presto’s Comics Collections of the Rich and Famous part of the Spoof Central Network.
Goodnight!
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