Falcon Presto. Alfonso Crept. Frances Ploot. Preston Falco. The four of them crack reporters in a cracked world. These people bring you the stories no one else dares to.
Presto - former Marvel employee, fired for knowing too much. Has a really big nose.
Crept - ex CIA agent and bullshit world record holder. Picks at his feet.
Ploot - sophisticated, buxom, an arse to kill for and an ability that we can only talk about on www.sexmeupbaby.com.
Falco - one of the other three writing under a bad pseudonym.
These are Spoof Central - be afraid or just piss off!
Marvel Editor-in-Chief, Joe Quesada, announced this week that he’s completed his latest creator-owned project – a 1:48 scale model Sea Harrier FRS 1 from Airfix. “I’m totally psyched,” Joe announced, “I had to use Metallic Magenta instead of Matt Flesh on the wing detail, but it still looks pretty good.” He begins work on a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle of Monet’s Boulevard des Capucines in the summer. We’ll keep you posted.
John Byrne’s much-heralded return to the comics world will be solicited in Diamond Previews next month. Lennie Bennett: The King of Comedy is a 72-issue maxi-series, released through the writer/artist’s own Celebrity Squares imprint. “I’m totally psyched,” said Byrne, “Lennie Bennett is one of television's most prolific performers and is generally regarded as the ultimate professional. Indeed, few entertainers can equal his record of having had at least one series of his own show for over 16 years. He is also a much requested speaker on the after dinner circuit, at golf dinners and is in great demand for his skills as a linkman\presenter at top corporate events.”
Bennett came to prominence with the BBC's hugely successful Lennie and Jerry Show and went on to host Punchlines on which nearly every major star in the country appeared as his guest during its six-year, 150-show run. He also hosted Lucky Ladders, taking it to the enviable position of being Britain's most-watched daytime game show. Appearances on over a dozen royal shows underline his stature in his profession. In recent years, Lennie has spent several years hosting worldwide entertainment for the Ford Motor Company, appearing with such stars as Tina Turner, Neil Diamond and Whitney Houston. He has also spoken at nearly every major golf club in Britain. The first issue ships in August. Hot from Hollywood! Fresh from the successes of Daredevil and X-Men II, Marvel’s seventies blaxpoitation superstar, Luke Cage, Hero for Hire, is to get the big-screen treatment. Favourites to play the lead role are Leonardo Di Caprio, Michael Douglas and Dennis Quaid. “A bit of shoe polish and nobody will be any the wiser,” director Spike Lee said. John Denver – God’s Superstar is the first in a series of comics from Image about Rock Legends of the 20th Century. Written by Jay Faerber and illustrated by Adam Hughes, with Lettering by George Burns. The first issue ships June 31. Alan Moore’s first post retirement project is a comic made entirely out of cheese about the Industrial Revolution. Ravenous Strawberry is a tale about a young girl forced to eat horse manure for a living in the back streets of Northampton. The artist, an unknown, will produce cheeses in special moulds to depict different scenes. A separate soundtrack album will be released composed by Moore and played on spoons, hosepipes and a violin. Each ‘issue’ will come vacuum packed with a sell-by date. Anyone remember The Blair Witch Project? Just how bad did the follow-up stink? Well, the curse of the abysmal sequel has hit comics with the news that Fabian Nicieza and John Romita Jr are to be the creative team on Vertigo’s Sandman II. While Nicieza promised to tie up lots of loose ends, Romita Junior was showing fans in Philadelphia designs for the new Sandman costume and his new dream gun.
This Sandman sequel could well be DC’s retaliation for Marvel’s signing of Neil Gaiman to write three of its most prestigious new releases: Black Goliath, Millie the Model, and Not Brand Echh.
When asked why Gaiman was being given such high profile titles, Bill Jemas said, “His work at DC was pretty good, but I thought he needed lightening up a touch. I was going to give him She-Hulk or maybe even Super-Villain Team-Up but thought they were maybe a little bit out of his league.
Gaiman was asked what he would do with Not Brand Echh - a title that many top names have struggled on. “I’m contracted for a 12-issue run, so I’m going to kick off with a good old fashioned whodunit – Who killed Forbushman? will be groundbreaking in that I’m actually going to kill off the lead character in a title and I’m not going to bring back his replacement until a later date. The book will appear to be rudderless for a while, but it’s all part of my plan.”
What else has Gaiman got planned for the comic? “Well, while Charlie America and Knock Furious are searching for Forbushman’s killer, the Inedible Bulk goes on the rampage and uncovers the Echhs-Men’s secret hideaway. This sets up the second story arc nicely as the Mighty Sore, Spidey-Man, Captain Marvin, Ironed Man and the Fantastical Four are employed by a secret government agency to ‘take out’ the Echhs-Men. I’m going to change the tone for the third and final arc, this features Gnat-Man and Rotten, Stupor Man in a weird team-up with Scaredevil and the Sunk-Mariner; it’s an adventure of epic proportions – or is all a dream? It also introduces two of my own creations – Spleen and Blackhawkid. I’m so excited I can’t shit straight.”
Gaiman revealed his next project is probably redesigning his wardrobe to feature white more strongly in his appearance. Brian Michael Bendis and Michael Turner are teaming up for a new Image series called The Adventures of Fallopian Tube. Bendis said, “It’s a proto-embryonic story of a female superhero who was brutally and horrendously made to suffer the horrors of female circumcision as a child and now fights for the rights of unborn children everywhere. The first issue features The Threat of the Ectopic Man and the three-part Gynaecological Survey will follow this. This seminal work actually isn’t.
Michael Turner said, “It gave me the chance to draw anatomy like it’s never been drawn before. J. Scott Campbell will be inking me.” News from the US Supreme Courts: Apparently a lawsuit has been placed by a group known as “Everybody who has ever bought anything purported to have been created by Todd McFarlane”. The target for the multi-million dollar court action is aimed at Todd McFarlane, renowned comics creator, one-time Spider-Man artist and guy that spent an absolute fortune on a load of now worthless balls.
George Schlong of Schlong, Hung and Donkey – famous New York lawyers and cheesecake manufacturers – represents over 170,000 people who feel they have been cheated by the one-time fan favourite. Schlong said, “Frankly we just love to kick a man when he’s down. He’s already lost loads of money, we figured we might as well get the rest out of him. We’re going for his two houses, his wife’s income and maybe his children; but that depends on the price we can get for them in the Asia-Pacific market. I personally bought an issue of Spawn and was so offended by it I’m suing him for $25,000.”
More when we know it, unless we, like you, get bored rigid…
This is Frances Ploot’s NewsTrolley signing off until next month.
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