Falcon Presto. Alfonso Crept. Frances Ploot. Preston Falco. The four of them crack reporters in a cracked world. These people bring you the stories no one else dares to.
Presto - former Marvel employee, fired for knowing too much. Has a really big nose.
Crept - ex CIA agent and bullshit world record holder. Picks at his feet.
Ploot - sophisticated, buxom, an arse to kill for and an ability that we can only talk about on www.sexmeupbaby.com.
Falco - one of the other three writing under a bad pseudonym.
These are Spoof Central - be afraid or just piss off!
With the announcement that Damon Hirst is to produce a three-issue mini-series for Marvel Comics entirely out of blancmange, comes the one thing that comics fans have been dreading for years – comics on the front covers of serious magazines and periodicals or being talked about in swanky wine bars and at dinner parties.
The success of such films as Spider-Man, Ghost World, Daredevil, Batman, Superman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and of course, Captain America, has catapulted comics into the psyche of every living human being. “I’d struggle to say catapulted, more like flirted with our psyches by osmosis,” argued Professor Robert Winston, a leading anthropologist. Either way, comics are now so socially accepted that even members of Oasis have been seen at comics conventions. It is believed that David Bowie, always an innovator is to produce his next album entirely in comics form – no artist has yet to be assigned. Bruce Willis, often in need of kick-starting his career, is said to be considering writing Batman for DC Comics.
Spoof Central contacted a number of comics magazine editors for their informed opinions; unfortunately most of them talk out of their arses and seem to think they are far more important than the subject they are writing about. Subsequently the only thing interesting said by any of them was far too sexually provocative for an all-ages audience.
The final word goes to Hirst, who will begin work on the new comic in 2004. “Well, it’s like this innit, man? It’s like really great and its like all those words and pictures melded together in a composition of frenetic obsequiousness. Heavy.”
And frankly, who are we to argue with that?
Unusual Team-Up?
There is a rumour circulating the industry that several leading lights are considering breaking away and forming their own, brand-new, publishing company. Jim Lee is said to be unhappy with his role at DC and doesn’t like the way his WildCATS title has lost popularity. He’s been talking to Erik Larsen who’s grown disillusioned with his Savage Dragon series. Whilce Portacio has grown frustrated by the lack of support for his new project and these three are allegedly talking to Marc Silvestri – believed to be bored with Top Cow; Todd McFarlane who is looking for a role in comics out of the spotlight and Jim Valentino, who is currently having some success with one of the major comics publishers.
The seventh member of the group might be Tony Isabella.
More Stars Lined Up?
DC isn’t just crowing about signing up Bruce Willis to write Batman; for years it has lagged behind Marvel, Image, Dark Horse and Steve’s Comics in both sales and quality and now it has a chance to really recover and maybe even force its way back into the top four US comics companies.
Director of Vice Presidencies, Robert “Call me Bob” Wayne forced his way to the podium at the New York comics convention and even threatened Michael Doran of Marvel. Wayne reportedly said, “Get out of my way you sexually athletic stud muffin of a man!” Then he managed to wrestle the microphone away from Mark Alessi of CrossGen and this is what Wayne had to say. “DC is about to announce a multi-million dollar deal for five of the biggest names in the world to write our best-selling titles. I would also like to add to that one of these major stars will also be drawing his own comic as well as writing it. Pretty fucking good, huh?” Catcalls from the floor asked the diminutive Mr Wayne to elucidate further.
“You all have heard by now that we have Bruce Willis writing Batman? Well, we have former US army general Colin (Don’t call me Colin) Powell writing JLA; former 7-times Olympic gold medallist swimmer, Mark Spitz, is to write Aquaman; the legendary James Brown is to write Black Lightning and finally, Kirsten Dunst is going to write Spider-Man.” There was a pause and Wayne, acting like he’d just woken up from a drug-induced haze, said, “Excuse me, I need to leave now.”
Watch this space and if that rash comes back put some of this ointment on it. Tony Isabella was unavailable for comment. Which we found a bit odd!
Next Stop, Jerry Springer?!
In a remarkably frank and at times often downright silly interview, Stan Lee poured his heart out to Oprah Winfrey. The octogenarian comics impersario also gave away a number of fascinating secrets including how during the Sixties he was in fear of his life from a crack team of assassins hired by the Green Giant Corporation.
Lee also talked about his lost years selling crack on LA street corners and the hell he suffered at the hands of the Sentinels during the mutant wars.
An Obsession Too Far?
Floyd Venckmann of Graves, Oregon, has taken comics collecting to newfound heights with the news he is building a house completely out of Marvel comics. His increasingly disgruntled mother recently kicked the 37-year-old bachelor out of the parental home. Venckmann, an unemployed garage door, purchased, on leasehold, a 400-metre square area of wasteland just behind the local gasworks and hopes to have the roof on by the time the rainy season comes.
“I hope to have the roof on by the time the rainy season comes,” he said.
Spot The Blooper!
Thanks to Imogene, Tom, Martin and Andy for writing in last month and pointing out that the cover image did indeed have one of Wonder Woman’s nipples showing and yes, you are correct, it wasn’t on DC’s original and we’ve got a hell of a lot of explaining to do next week in court.
Competition Winners
Lucky Liam Spindle of Bordeaux in France is the winner of the signed die-cast model of Colleen Doran’s left leg. He correctly identified b) cheese: as the dairy product Batman is allergic to.
This month’s competition is for a bag of King Edward potatoes bought by Dave Gibbons in his local supermarket. These will come with a certificate of authentication and a signed photo of Dave standing outside his local Safeway, grinning.
This month’s question can be found on page 11.
And, Finally…
I’m going to take a moment here to talk about something else other than comic books. There are some burning issues in the world today and none can be as bad as cliché usage.
The one that’s getting stuck in my craw at the moment is when people say “at the end of the day, blah de blah de blah”. I don’t known about the rest of you and I especially don’t know if people in the USA have even heard of this expression when it’s at home, but, the point is, if the circumstances allow, if you hear someone say “at the end of the day…” before they go off on one, you interject with: “it gets dark!” They will look at you ‘gone out’. You will feel like a superior being. FOT
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