Falcon Presto. Alfonso Crept. Frances Ploot. Preston Falco. The four of them crack reporters in a cracked world. These people bring you the stories no one else dares to.
Presto - former Marvel employee, fired for knowing too much. Has a really big nose.
Crept - ex CIA agent and bullshit world record holder. Picks at his feet.
Ploot - sophisticated, buxom, an arse to kill for and an ability that we can only talk about on www.sexmeupbaby.com.
Falco - one of the other three writing under a bad pseudonym.
These are Spoof Central - be afraid or just piss off!
Spoof Central CEO Alfonso Crept declares, "They deserve it. They're all a bunch of humourless bastards!"
Once upon a time the only way to communicate with people on the other side of the planet was by using your local, often unreliable, postal service. Then with the advent of Alexander Graham Bell's dog and bone it became a trifle easier, if not exponentially more expensiver.
When the US Military invented the internet it (if indeed it could think independently) couldn't have been less aware that the people more likely to use it would be those misfits of society; the slightly ungainly, the very lonely, the decidedly spotty, the rather fat, the socially inept, the unusually horsefaced, the desperately ugly, the sexually retarded, the people most likely to become sex offenders, serial killers or just picked on because they are freaks. Yes, we're talking about comics fans and more importantly comics fans that hang out on the quaint but most definitely anachronistic Usenet (or AbUsenet as it has literally just this second been christened by my secretary Steve). Now. Right at this moment. There are two overweight geeks, biting the heads off chickens and performing self-love at each other's screens while squawking (metaphorically) about the two bulges in the front of Kitty Pryde's latest costume. The internet has given us this wonderful image and I want you all to burn that image into your brains right now. I want you all to imagine (metaphysically, of course) sitting in a chat room talking about the X-Men and the person who claims to be a 15-year-old schoolgirl of Japanese origin called Watanabe from Des Moines in Iowa is actually a 240lb hairy comics fan (male or female) sitting naked in front of his/her screen and fondling themselves in a vigorous and untrained manner.
If you are that image, think about some bulges in Kitty Pryde's costume or something while the rest of us talk about more important issues.
Isn't it time we returned comics to the people who don't cum in their pants at the sight of an Adam Hughes cover? Isn't it time those of us that care turned to the fat, the hairy, the ones covered in warts and moles, the smelly, the sweaty, the sad, the stupid, the obscene and the unbelievably fucking lifeless and said, 'FOR GOD'S SAKE GET A LIFE'?
We spoke to some of Usenet's most important people, the ones who have so little life they spend most of it on the Internet (and alt.binaries). Fortunately none of them gave us a reply that was even worth repeating. Well, I say none were worth repeating, all of them were worth repeating if only to show the rest of the world what an incredibly weird enclave has developed there, but I think of myself as a journalist of integrity and high satire and not some cheap shot merchant. Besides, if we want to be really honest about this, push all the crap to oneside and really get down to the old nitty gritty, then if we really got under the skin of Usenet, I think we'd find it would be cruel to spoof or satirize the Usenet users, in the same way it would be cruel to spoof or joke about the mentally retarded, those with AIDS or cancer or kids trapped down wells.
However, I do know a very very story about a mentally retarded kid with AIDS who is trapped down a well. Remind me to tell you it sometime.
One reknowned Spanish fan had this to say, "Mi pene es enorme y que palpita. Usted debe venir a mi website y mirarme masturbatios furiosamente en los cuadros de la mujer de la maravilla desnudos." And frankly we don't doubt what he says for a minute and this just exacerbates the situation. It is no longer just the USA and the UK that has what Bob Hope once famously called "sad little comics fuckers", they're appearing all over the world. In Macau someone had this to say, "Vontade você deixa-me sozinho, por favor. Eu sou velho e frágil e mim estão receoso de sua faca grande." We obviously did as we were asked.
The reason the rest of the world view comics fans as lower than the chewing gum stuck to the floor of the dirtiest shopping mall is because we have no self-esteem. Visit any piazza in Rome and there'll be cool guys in Armani suits and unbelievably expensive shades reading a comic and the women are having floods of orgasms over him. He's almost drowning in bodily fluids and he's reading A COMIC!!! In Michigan, Iowa (especially) Pennsylvania, Dagenham, Skegness and Manchester there are comic fans sitting in parks reading Superman and being showered in rotten food, having tramps piss on them and having the piss ripped out of them by mentally-retarded AIDS sufferers trapped down nearby wells. It could be Tom Cruise sitting there with a Spidey comic and some little old lady will walk passed him and spit, calling him 'a freak'.
We've examined many of the historic reasons for this derision in previous Spoof Central columns, but we now feel we have forensic and DNA evidence to stick the entire blame for the ridicule of comic fans solely on Usenet users. We'd like to be the first officially sanctioned internet body to declare war on Usenet.
Usenet 'net god' [bwah-ha-ha-ha] Tog Malloway said the declaration was unfair and unjust and lots of other words beginning with un [underwear?] and a complaint will be lodged with the doorman at Harrods. When asked what action Usenet will take against Spoof Central, Malloway said, "we'll dissect each post they make for bad spelling or grammar and then spend weeks laughing at their inadequacies. If that fails we'll just take words at random rearrange them to suit our needs and then be all self-righteous. Do I have to put something in square brackets first?"
There are marches and rallies being organised all over the planet and as many as 75 are expected in London's Hyde Park tomorrow.
We need name for the Spoofer's Message Board. Make your suggestions at Spoof Central HQ.
