Falcon Presto. Alfonso Crept. Frances Ploot. Preston Falco. The four of them crack reporters in a cracked world. These people bring you the stories no one else dares to.
Presto - former Marvel employee, fired for knowing too much. Has a really big nose.
Crept - ex CIA agent and bullshit world record holder. Picks at his feet.
Ploot - sophisticated, buxom, an arse to kill for and an ability that we can only talk about on www.sexmeupbaby.com.
Falco - one of the other three writing under a bad pseudonym.
These are Spoof Central - be afraid or just piss off!
When Falcon Presto isn't pestering Frances Ploot for sex behind the bike sheds, he is the editor of Guppy Distro's Forthcoming Comics. In a blatant attempt to infiltrate Spoof Central with a thinly disguised advert for the comics his boss is peddling this month, we allowed him to talk about his Hot Picks!
Marvel Is Brilliant #1 Marvel Comics 24 pages of white paper!
Marvel scoured the world for the whitest, most brilliant, paper known to man and are presenting it to you behind a cover using George Perez's stock of half-up. We've even removed the blue lines! Only $9.99.
Falcon Says: This is high art and with a 90% profit margin, Marvel only needs to sell 6.
The Geek #1 Dark Horse Comics
It’s part horrible, part amateurish… it’s The Geek! Dark Horse's latest attempt at grabbing a corner of the superhero market by giving Keith Giffen probably his last ever job in mainstream comics before someone finally catches on.
Falcon Says: I think I'd rather get anal warts than suffer another Keith Giffen comic. In fact I have anal warts because of Dominion.
Insiders #1 DC Comics
From the ashes of umpteen previous events in The Titans/Young Justice; Graduation Day arises for an edgy new super-team! Who are the Insiders? And why do they only work under the cover of four walls and a roof? Why don't they ever go out? Why do they have to invite villains to their house? What happens when they go outside? Who cares - 6 issues at best.
Falcon Says: As much as it pains me, I am going to continue sticking acid on my eyeballs.
The Tossers #1 DC Comics
A hard-hitting crime/espionage series that goes behind the veil of the U.S. Intelligence community and is written by a Brit who puts unfeasible words into the mouths of USA's finest lumbering men in black! They'll come in your house. They'll come in your garden? They'll even come in your mouth! What if some of the toughest secret agents in American history doubled up as gay porn stars?
Falcon Says: Buy this comic or my rendezvous with the handsome Mr Diggle at Max's Sex Palace is looking doubtful.
G.I. Joe: Transvestite #1 Image Comics
The most anticipated outing of the year begins! A dress in found in one of the team's lockers. Does it really belong to Snake Eyes or is this asinister plot to shame one of the boys? What happens when one of your own is found in women's knickers?
Falcon Says: I showed this to my mother and she stood up, walked into the kitchen, took a knife and cut her stomach open spilling her intestines onto the smoothly polished floor. She then started singing 'Aladdin Sane' while making me some chips. All in all quite a positive reaction apart from the intestines.
Ultimate Sex-Fiend #1 Marvel Comics
If you thought Ultimate Perv-O was a blockbuster, watch Brian Bendis & David Finch raise the ante! There's a villain with a 12inch wanger impaling all the female superheroes in the Ultimates Universe. What is his mission and why is this Dirk Diggler of the comics world on a mission in the first place?
Falcon Says: I love the cover line - Wank Till You Drop. However someone should tell David Finch that women only have two nipples and that legs don't just merge into ribcages.
Wizard: A Comics Magazine #Umpteen Dull Entertainment
Get the scoop on Michael Turner’s next project - painting his bathroom! Get a look at the Bendis and Finch’s Ultimate Sex-Fiend! We preview all the latest publisher hyperbole without question, and much more!
Falcon Says: I've been told, under the threat of death, not to give my verdict on this because I'm infringing on one of Frances' projects.
How To Draw Hentai Manga #1 Antarctic Press
Learn sequential storytelling with all the bodily fluids and alien sex you can muster. Sharpen your art skills on different nipple angles, and find work in the sex comics field with this essential guide!
Falcon Says: It amazes me how such quality products as these are ignored by the mainstream comic fan. I mean, not only are there at least seven pairs of tits on each page, but you get some bizarre anatomy lessons and alien sex as well!
Michael Turner Presents A String of Scantilly Clad Females with Unfeasibly Long Legs #1 Imakemoremoneypublishingmyself Publishing
Aspen Matthews is back in 48 different outfits and poses! Features an all-new Swimsuit, pin-ups, a mini poster, and very little of any substance! Comes with tissues.
Falcon Says: I just got a memo from Steen Guppy, the head post boy, pointing out that there appears to be a thread running through this and that it is in my best interests that I stop pushing the masturbatory material and concentrate on something more traditional.
Alan Moore’s Writing For Comics GN Avalarf Press
The master of comic book writing draws his thoughts on how to deliver a top-notch script! Includes etchings and love potions.
Falcon Says: Oh yawn. Alan-bloody-Moore could take a dump and sell his arsewipings at the moment, you'd think he was talented or something.
What if the turtles were really cute looking marsupials?
Falcon Says: Is this OK, Mr Guppy, sir? Whatever happened to Kevin Eastman? We heard a rumour that he was auditioning for the stage version of 'Beauty and the Beast' with his censored wife. This latest revamp of a tired, sad and lonely concept is aimed specifically at six-year-old girls from Milwaukee because pressure groups in the Mid-West believe there are too many comics aimed at Hispanics and Afro-Americans and not enough at God-fearing, gun-totin' law abiding citizens of the US of A. So... why wombats?
Walt Disney’s Frozen Body Parts #319 Bemstone Publishing
The world’s coldest testicle, a blue finger, and crystalised blood!
Falcon Says: Anyone buying this for their six-year-old is probably one seriously warped puppy. However, saying that, my six-year-old thought it was really good, especially the part where Unca Scrooge dissects Goofy's frozen penis (It's true what they say about dogs).
Vampirella/Witchblade #1 Harries Comics
A typical day as two completely unrelated characters from different comics companies attempt to fleece a wee bit more money out of each other's core fan-base with the resurrection of the bane of the late 1990s - the crossover book.
Falcon Says: If there was one thing missing from comics at the moment it's intercompany crossovers between marginal characters in need of a sales boost. Harries Comics really do whore out poor old Vampi, don't they? They'd pair her up with anyone if it actually meant they'd sell more than 60 copies of a comic. Of course, the secret is just let her get naked all the time; the stories can be artistic interpretations of Mark Miller's shopping list as long as she gets her baps out. I mean, it is what all discerning comic fan has been waiting for since 1967 - Vampi in some full-on girl-on-girl action with crutch shots and filth. If this comic was 24 pages of hot, doggy-style sex rather than some apocalyptic, end-of-the-world scenario then perhaps more people would buy her comics. Witchblade would get it.
Yitzi Yabushi: The Mountains Inside Petrie Dish Volume 1 GN Tokyoplop
A mystical tale of a young girl, her pet fish, Lionel, a talking barrel of monkeys and the ghost of a chance!
Falcon Says: Unfortunately my contract has been terminated by Forthcoming Comics therefore I can't tell you that this comic is possibly the greatest thing ever to be placed on paper by a human being.
Falcon Presto is now solely employed by Spoof Central and they pay him with the scrapings from the bottom of Jason B. Rice's exotic birdcage.
We need name for the Spoofer's Message Board. Make your suggestions at Spoof Central HQ.
