Falcon Presto. Alfonso Crept. Frances Ploot. Preston Falco. The four of them crack reporters in a cracked world. These people bring you the stories no one else dares to.
Presto - former Marvel employee, fired for knowing too much. Has a really big nose.
Crept - ex CIA agent and bullshit world record holder. Picks at his feet.
Ploot - sophisticated, buxom, an arse to kill for and an ability that we can only talk about on www.sexmeupbaby.com.
Falco - one of the other three writing under a bad pseudonym.
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Putting an end to what must be the most frequently-asked question in contemporary comics, Cerebus creator Dave Sim has outlined his plans for after the 300-issue series reaches its end in 2004.
"Of all the things I've said and done since I started Cerebus, the most interesting have been the most recent," said Sim in an interview with The Kitchener Courier, a local newspaper in his home town of Kitchener, Ontario. The newspaper has made a point of periodically "catching up with Dave" since he first came to their attention as a leader of the late 1980s self-publication movement.
"It seems that the feminist-homosexualist movement has rather taken against me and my opinions," continued Sim. "But then they would, wouldn"t they? Well, I've read Sun Tzu and although my interpretation of his words is filtered through what to me are the more important writings seen in The Bible and The Koran, one phrase keeps coming back to me. 'Know Thine Enemy.'
"So, in order to further understand the feminist-homosexualist axis' standpoint - a standpoint which I freely admit has always hitherto seemed thoroughly and unimpeachably impenetrable, which is fairly apt a word, to me - I have chosen the following path of action.
"Sometime in the next year, depending on outside variables, or 'ceteris paribus' as the Latin has it although some wags would maintain 'Cerebus paribus' would be more apt - thus exposing both their ignorance of the romance languages and their lamentable attempts at wordplay - Gerhard [Sim's co-artist and horse fetishist] and I will finish Cerebus, just as I have always maintained. After that, in an attempt to penetrate that previously-mentioned impenetrability, I intend to spend one year living as a feminist woman. Following that period, I intend to spend one year as a homosexualist man.
"Obviously I also intend to continue my creative endeavours. Although Cerebus will end, further projects will follow. One of these is dependent on the outcome of my experimentation with perverse lifestyles: although it currently is planned to be a series of illustrated storybooks - similar in format and execution to the Big Little Books of blessed memory - the final result may differ, although the likelihood of this is slim to say the least.
"Notwithstanding any outside interference or other such swerving from the planned path, these books will feature short but effective fables which I intend should be read by parents to their daughters and which, if effectively utilised, should help to dissuade any burgeoning and nascent feminist leanings in the child."
Dipping further into Sim's plans, Kitchener Courier reporter John LeBoncouerse asked Sim if these books would be in comics form or otherwise. Sim's reply: "Although the comics form is, has been and will remain my preferred medium, the next project will be a mixture of illustrations and text, allowing for greater ease of translation - I have always been disappointed that even here in my homeland of Canada, the lack of translation of the initial material from one of our two official languages to the other has led to a lesser appreciation of Cerebus among those who speak French or Quebecois as their first language."
Although LeBoncoeurse's interview tried to obtain more details of Sim's plans regarding this new work, the respected writer/artist/letterer/publisher preferred to return to his intentions for his lifestyle: "My year as a feminist woman shall begin at midnight, 1st January 2005 and end at midnight 31st December of that year. During the intervening period I shall dress as a feminist woman, act as feminist women seem to and, as much as is possible for a man to do so, I shall attempt to mould my thoughts into a form more like those of a feminist woman's. At the end of this time, I shall take the whole of the year 2006 reviewing my experiences, providing they are of sufficient interest to myself. Then, in the year 2007, I shall live as, dress as, and attempt to think as a homosexualist man. This may change: I may instead, as a result of my experiences as a feminist woman, choose to live as a feminist woman homosexualist or 'lesbian.'
"Virtually every feminist and homosexualist, and those heterosexualists brainwashed by them, will tell me that I cannot succeed in these plans. I cannot see how I can fail. Although I may live in a feminist or homosexualist manner, this will not change my personal life in any way. I shall still answer to the name Dave, and cannot see why a feminist woman should not have an 'equality of names' with men. I shall still insist on strict observance of a sabbath and shall still read the holy books that have formed - or rather verified - my opinions."
Rather than pursue Sim's line of thought, LaBonquerse asked if there was anything Sim wished he had done differently during the seventeen-plus years he has worked on Cerebus.
"I wish for nothing to be different. No man can say that his life or his actions are or were perfect, but Cerebus would be a fitting memorial. I now maintain that there are new avenues to explore both in my art and in my personal life, and I shall take the time that each of these avenues needs in order to explore them fully. Although I would have liked to won the art competition at my junior high school.
"After that, I think I'll talk to Joey Da Q about this Spider-Man story I've had kicking around my head".
This is Alfonso Crept reporting for someone somewhere in Canada.
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