Falcon Presto. Alfonso Crept. Frances Ploot. Preston Falco. The four of them crack reporters in a cracked world. These people bring you the stories no one else dares to.
Presto - former Marvel employee, fired for knowing too much. Has a really big nose.
Crept - ex CIA agent and bullshit world record holder. Picks at his feet.
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Falco - one of the other three writing under a bad pseudonym.
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This news just in! Comic fans included in Bush’s list of ‘Alliance of Evil’.
It’s funny, but not so long ago a famous comics person said, “a well-placed strategic missile would rid us of these hopeless wank stains once and for all”. Of course that specific creator was talking about comics fans. However, the big drawback (and we’re not talking whales’ penises here) is that all the comics creators would be atomised at the same time, because frankly they’re just as bad…
It now appears that the above statement might not be as shocking, now the US has included comics fans in the list of potential aggressors to the free world. In fact, US intelligence has released information suggesting an attack at the height of convention season would be the optimum time to launch a counter-offensive. The Free World Alliance led by US President George U.U. Bush and UK Prime Minister Tony Blair is currently looking at a way of maximising its attacks. However, one source close to the President revealed to this reporter, “The US believe if it indiscriminately bombed US comics conventions, someone would probably notice a pattern and by the second one the effectiveness at ridding the world a large portion of the comics community would be lost and these stinky buggers would probably drive everything underground, making open attacks either by missiles or ground forces difficult.”
However, one prominent US general said, “If we were to bomb the San Diego Comics Convention and Wizardworld in Chicago, two major conventions with a huge turn out of people, we believes we can wipe out a big percentage of both fans and creators. The beauty is whatever havoc is wreaked at one, more will turn out at the other to praise, eulogise and generally fawn over their dead heroes, thus making the second strike as devastating, if not more so, than the first.” Allegedly Mustard Gas hasn't been ruled out as an alternative if comics people relocate to their original homes, believed to be the sewers.
The British government is deciding whether or not to bomb the Bristol comics convention in June. Geoff Hoon, the UK defence secretary said, “We’d have to target smart bombs to hit the local pubs to make sure we kill all the UK creators and their hangers on, and we could send in the SAS to take out the UK fans.”
As the situation escalated closer to the brink of war, The US government explained why comics fans and creators are such a threat to national security and rough plans on how they will rid the world of this unpopular scourge. The Surgeon General issued this statement: “Comics fans pose a threat on a number of fronts – not only do they have knowledge of weapons of mass destruction, they also pose a serious chemical, bacterial and biological weapon threat. They operate out of covert operational cells, exchanging information and tactics with other fans all over the world. These comics fans pose a serious threat and have to be stopped. Remember it is your duty as an American citizen to wipe out this scourge.”
The US is currently on DefCon 1 and one lesser General said, “We got a call from one comics creator who said we’d have an even bigger impact if we had a Defcon ½ or even a Defcon 0 with an embossed variant cover. Whatever happens, in the event of an attack, it doesn’t matter about the civilian casualties this is a strategic defence scenario. A kill or be bored to death scenario of the likes never seen before on this planet.”
One fan, taken into custody by the CIA, professed to have knowledge of a powerful and cosmically destructive weapon called The Ultimate Nullifier. It is said that President Bush wants this weapon and has asked for SG-1 to be deployed with Enterprise. The fan, a resident of southern California and believed to be in his 50s, has been sent to the US military’s secret base in Cuba.
Both governments are emphasising that the threat to civilian safety is very much a reality. “Even if the nucleus of these comics fans is destroyed, there are likely to be cells all over both countries,” said Bush in a forthright speech to the Chimpanzee Guild of America.
It is believed there are fundamental cells all over the globe, but only US and UK comics fans pose any real international threat. These cells can consist of up to 3 people, but rarely any more as these obsessive creatures tend to disagree over even the most fundamental elements of their religion. For instance, some cells shy away from those who feel Jack Kirby was the true king and God of all; while others worship the new generation of comics artists and writers, and there are the fans who prefer the work of more realistic artists, which of course is something of an oxymoron.
All of these cells are also capable of sustained chemical and bacterial warfare. The Surgeon General also said this, “If seen in the street, members of the general public are urged not to approach them. We do not know as of yet whether if they possess any members fanatical enough to become suicide bombers, but evidence from tests conducted by the FBI, on comics fans already in custody, suggests that exploding one of them could result in fall-out stretching a 60 mile radius – all of which could be fatal or seriously harmful to any living creature that comes in contact with the debris.
These fans are believed to be working for either Hydra or AIM – secret organisations the CIA are currently investigating thoroughly. The White House issued this statement: “If you have a neighbour or a tenant in your building that hasn’t been out for many weeks, has his food shipped in and/or spends hours typing or watching old episodes of Star Trek. Do not approach him even if he hasn’t paid the rent. Inform your local law enforcement agency and they will deal with the potential miscreant.” However, it is believed that 78% of all Americans have no idea what a ‘miscreant’ is.
Representatives of the French and Japanese governments were last night demanding the United Nations take action against the US and UK because of this unjust and bullying tactic aimed at a group of individuals with only mitigating evidence to suggest their involvement with weapons of mass destruction. French President Jacques Chirac said this, “Je pense les Anglais et les Américains sont un groupe de chattes effrayant.” And quite frankly this reporter agrees with him up to the point where he involves the British.
So with the world on the brink of war, we asked several well-known comics personalities how they felt about this attack on their industry.
Frank Miller said, “It’s about time! Have you seen my Robocop films?”
While Warren Ellis said, “Fuck me.”
Alan Moore ignored all of our e-mails, but apparently he hasn’t got an email address, so this is possibly the reason for this.
Bill Jemas said, “I look like a crooked Italian businessman, so I’m safe.”
While the independent circuit was unusually vocal: James Kochalka said, “Enough of this already, we need to talk about me and my problems NOW!”
Don Simpson said, “Why are you asking me, I haven’t had a decent comic out in years?” Fair point.
The ever-enigmatic Dave Sim was heard to comment something, but frankly no one really gave a toss.
It now looks like a conflict will not be averted. The President is adamant(ium) about his decision and his chiefs of staff are all spineless jellyfish. The comics industry is aware of the devastating effects this will have on the industry, that profit margins will drop through the floor and comics would no longer be a viable proposition. Nor would they have an audience devoted to Swimsuit Specials any more.
During a meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Donald Rumsvelt was heard to say, “Have you managed to get through an entire day without a gas mask around them? If we rid the world of this menace now, we can build for a better comics industry, with less smelly and socially unacceptable misanthropes involved. We’re planning on bringing a series of laws that will restrict comics creators to a maximum weight of 170lbs and all comics fans have to register a sexual partner. Preferably of the opposite sex, but we will consider very sexy lesbians, who are inclined to swing both ways, especially in illustrious company.”
However, the government is offering a regeneration package worth billions of dollars in aid to the stricken industry, just so long as it can bomb the shite out of it’s fans now.
This is Alfonso Crept reporting for Spoof Central reporting for Silver Bullet Comics reporting for the world.
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