The Astonishingly Dismal X-Men

By Tim Hartnett

Take the creator of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer, combine it with John Cassaday, and hype it as the next big thing in comics. The result?

Absolute bollocks.

I have never in my life seen such a derivative piece of comic book literature that’s been hailed as “perfect.” Sure, it looks pretty, no doubt, but beauty’s only skin deep. Let’s forget the book itself though; take a look at the cover.

Wow! It’s a picture of Wolverine’s claws! Now there’s a jolly way of showing off John Cassaday’s abilities! It’s quite a hook, too.

And somewhere, up in the left-hand corner, in small lettering, it says, “Joss Whedon.” So wait a minute…you spend all this money to get this guy on the book, and you don’t even put his name big enough? What about the start of ReLoad? Shouldn't that be indicated? Remember, this was the same company that had a way of measuring a Retailers, “IQ.” They can't seem to make us care very much. Maybe they should turn the test on themselves.

I guess I should’ve stopped there, but no, I was tempted to open it up. Hell, I didn’t pay for it, I borrowed it.

Do you use the word, “gushingly” in everyday speech? Especially when it’s alliteration? Evidently, Emma Frost does! But wait, they don’t tolerate any violence, but Ms. Frost has no problem putting the students in panic on their first day, and the X-Men react…with violence. There’s quite a few kids in that Danger Room (although they miraculously end up in a hallway?)…seems a bit risky. But Emma’s speech, while rather obvious, is also very questionable. I was especially interested in the line, “they will always hate us.” I thought Professor X’s dream was for humans to realize that mutants are really no different than them except for a gene? If I tell someone that someone else hates them, I’d think they’d become a bit defensive about that individual. I think that’s the last thing the X-men want to impart on these students. And didn’t we see the same "cure for mutant gene" concept recently in X-Statix? Shouldn’t Pete Milligan be in the credits?

Then we have Logan jumping on top of Scott and Emma in bed. I never knew Logan’s emotions were so fluctuant, especially since he meditates. And just because the Beast points out that Scott and Logan’s fight is “nonsense” doesn’t make it any better.

Perhaps the worst aspect of this book though, is Cyclops’ reasons for going back to costumes. I think people are more "afraid" of the colourful costumes than they are the leather uniforms. And the X-Men are not characterized as superheroes, which makes this a very weak justification for returning to the tights. If you wanna give them tights, make them sound ridiculous like superheroes. But don’t put them back in the costumes and make it sound serious.

So I guess this story will be lauded as groundbreaking and beautiful. It may even break recent sales records, for all I know. But this is an overhyped, underwritten, poorly paced, out-of-character collection of recycled ideas, and a horrible excuse for a replacement to Grant Morrison. Somehow, I’m not astonished. And Christ, does the Beast look awful…

My rating: ONE SILVER BULLET

Other things I've been reading…

Simpsons' Comics #94

This month, Simpsons' Comics goes from traditional to glossy paper, which makes the art seem a bit simplistic. However, Ian Boothby's marvelous scripting makes this another perfect Simpsons' story. This time, business in Springfield is tanking, mostly due to early closing hours, and when the mayor signs a bill that requires stores to stay open twenty-four hours, everyone becomes sleep-deprived. Boothby is an absolute master of wit and intricate plotting, and the real crime is that this book doesn't sell more copies. And what more, it's not even a book that's plugged much. Buy Simpsons' Comics damn it! 27 pages of a self-contained story each month.

My Rating: FIVE SILVER BULLETS

Excalibur #1

Well this is interesting. The background of this story is Charles Xavier wants to rebuild Genosha. The main plot is that Charles travels about twenty meters and then the thing is over. This is mostly a talking heads affair, but I'm shocked that there's no thought balloons or third person captions. This is a Claremont comic for Chrissake! Some of the dialogue and new characters are reminiscent of Claremont's recent style (that's not a good thing), but the overall narrative is quite nice. In fact, nice enough to overshadow this issue's big flaws. Aaron Lopresti's art is very good, too, it's just that Claremont certainly didn't write this issue to his strength. Just forget you've seen this all before, and it should work out quite nicely…

Oh, and Magneto shows up on the last page.

My rating: TWO AND A HALF SILVER BULLETS

Weapon X #23

New readers will be lost, but Frank Tieri brilliantly, somehow, some way, ties up a lot of continuity regarding the Weapon X/Weapons Plus program. Tom Mandrake has never looked better either. The ending's a bit of a stretch though, as well as the non-subtle Roanoke connection. This should be pretty good though.

My rating: FOUR SILVER BULLETS

Uncanny X-Men #444

Oh God. Well at least Alan Davis is back. His style has been criticized for being outdated, but that's a shame, because the look of his art is certainly something that hasn't been seen in awhile, and uses simple lines to evict big scenes. I rather like the costumes, too. But come on. Baseball games? Cookie-cutter villains? Sudden cliffhangers? Brother rivalry? The plot sucks but the scripting is decent, although still written by Claremont. Oh and by the way, that's not the classic logo.

My rating: TWO SILVER BULLETS

Spider-Girl #74

This book has officially broken its promise. Tom DeFalco said in a recent letters page that upcoming Spider-Girl stories would be no more than two issues long, but we've been in the current storyline for oh, eight bloody issues? And DeFalco better have some horrifically good explanation as to why this hasn't gotten over with yet. Lady Octopus or Spider-Girl should be dead. DeFalco also can't get me concerned about May Parker's issues. Shake it up a bit! Pat Olliffe jumps on board for this one, but he's still inked by Sal Buscema, who takes a creative dump all over the art. It's mostly a rehash of things we've seen in this title before; the quality has really come down from the early days.

My rating: ONE AND A HALF SILVER BULLETS

Action Comics #815

Chuck Austen puts the Action back in Action Comics, and that's a good thing. But he doesn't allow enough time for his characters to shine. I love the new (although it’s the Golden Age) characterization of Clark Kent/Superman, but Austen makes this one go by too quickly to flesh it out. It's still the best Superman book in God knows how long. And the art is just lovely too. Just detailthe stories a bit more, Chuck, and all will be right.

My rating: FOUR SILVER BULLETS

JLA #99

Oooh, we got a nice one going here! Awesome artwork (come on, it's John Byrne, what'd you expect?) and a pretty cool story, but oh. my. God. The dialog! Please…can destroy a good book. The joke at the end with Batman is cute though…you just don't see that everyday. Shame about the words though.

My rating: THREE SILVER BULLETS

On Wednesday, we'll return to our discussion about ratings. Hope to see you there!

---Tim