The Vampire Diaries 5.13 "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

A tv review article by: Shawn Hill

It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, and that means Caroline throws a party. Since, however, she and Tyler are more kaput than ever (he would have come crawling back, until he found out she slept with Klaus), it’s going to be a “Bitter Ball.”

Jeremy and Bonnie hardly want to go, happy couple that they are, and really they should have stayed away. When he was a Hunter and she was a witch, they could at least defend themselves from the vamp-heavy environs of Mystic Falls. Unhelpful Stefan has apparently not clued anyone in on Damon’s renewed evil, so he and Enzo push Bonnie and Jeremy around, and they’re all too defenseless. It’s gross, and another example of how out-of-balance this show has become.

Seriously, the only character who’s fun to watch right now is Katherine (no, not Damon, since he’s so clearly going to regret all his mistakes), and even that grows tiresome. How many times can she do something Elena wouldn’t and then smirk about it when she turns her back? How dumb are these people not to see through her ruse? When she revives Jeremy (from being asphyxiated, kinky show!) Dobrev conveys how saving anyone’s life is so antithetical to Katherine’s world-view, but I’m not into watching Bonnie and Jeremy suffer. They’ve both died and come back to life, they deserve better.

Enzo and Damon are on a tear searching for Dr. Maxfield, as they strive to destroy all signs of the Augustine Vampire we never actually met. Dr. Max is abusing a new victim (just as he did Jesse, though this time he’s picking on the Hispanic community rather than the black one) with his “vampire-eating-vampire” drugs, until he’s interrupted by some Travelers who offer sponsorship. It’s not clear what they’re up to, but they leave him all too well prepared when Enzo and Damon do show up, and Damon is given the evil potion himself. Serves them right, and if Damon kills Enzo, big loss.

Anything else? There’s a new witch, who is strangely white, and feels cursed by her powers. She takes pretty well to being bullied into using them, though. And Nadia continues to screw with Matt and Tyler, though she doesn’t feel great about it and is really shit out of luck if she still expects anything resembling love, or even consideration, from Katherine.

Stefan, get it together, man! Elena left you for real: she wouldn’t suddenly be flinging herself at your feet like this tramp. On some level you know that.


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Shawn Hill knows two things: comics and art history. Somehow that led to him writing the Harvey Kurtzman entry for Icons of the American Comic Book: from Captain America to Wonder Woman (2013). He also writes for Art New England and is a member of the International Association of Art Critics (AICA), an NGO of UNESCO.

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