“Blue & Gold" (Conclusion: Holding Back the Years)
I’ve tried for months now to give this arc the benefit of the doubt, but…
Hell, forget it. Why should I write a whole new review when I have already written almost everything I need to say about this arc, and those comments apply doubly to this issue? Besides, isn’t it appropriate that, in a review of a time travel book, I go back in time to tag-review this thing with myself? Let’s do it! You did know I had a time bubble, didn’t you? I’m pretty sure I mentioned it before.*
So, anywho, let’s hop in the wayback machine and set the dial for January 2008. We’ll see of the Jon of seven months ago can help me write this review.
Jon hops into his stainless steel coated 1997 Geo Prism – you expected a Delorean, maybe? – and emerges to find himself, circa January 2008, in mid-mope.
July Jon: Hey, January Jon.
January Jon: Oh. Hi. And you are?
July Jon: Why, I’m you seven months ago!
January Jon (eyeing July Jon’s ample gut): Well I really stuck to that New Year’s resolution, didn’t I?
July Jon: Hardy-har-har. You’re a riot, Norton. At least I lost the five extra pounds you’re packing.
January Jon: Hey, the holidays just ended. What’s your excuse, tubby?
July Jon: I just had a birthday! There was ice cream cake! Don’t judge me!
January Jon: Whatever. Did you want something or can I go back to moping?
July Jon: What are you moping about?
January Jon: I don't really need to explain that to you, right? I’m sure I’m mostly mope-free in July.
July Jon: Oh, yeah. Sure. Absolutely. Ahem. Anyway, there is one thing I’m moping about. I have to write a review for Booster Gold 1,000,000, and I can’t think of anything new to say. Can you help me out a bit? What were your thoughts on January’s issue?
January Jon: Umm… let’s see… I’ll pull up my review… Here we go: “…there seems to be a clichéd attempt at a red herring to throw us off the track of guessing what that trouble will be. Minor spoiler, here: Johns et al. do their best to imply that Rip Hunter will serve as the villain in the next story arc, but logic dictates that this is to throw us off of suspecting the mysterious Blue-Beetle-of-the-future.”** Was I right on that one?
July Jon: Umm… no comment. What else you got?
January Jon: Well… “… as a fanboy for Ted Kord, I can’t help but dread what I assume is coming – that Ted will once again die, or that his original death will be restored, in order to preserve the space-time continuum, or some other such nonsense that is inherently contradictory to the entire point of a time travel comic book: The past can be changed.” Was I on the nose there?
July Jon: You don’t really want me to wander into spoilers, do you?
January Jon: I do if it will save me some cash. Look, if that’s the sort of crap they’re going to unload on me, tell me now before I spend $3 a pop on issues 0, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 1,000,000 in addition to the $3 I threw away on issue #6. That’s $21 in total I’ll be spending just to have an ending Ray Charles could see coming a mile away.
July Jon: You’re exaggerating. Ray Charles can’t see anything from any distance away. He’s dead.
January Jon: You’re not going to tell me, are you?
July Jon: Nope. Regretting the fat jokes now?
Jon hops back into the… ah, I’m tired of this crap already. Point is, he drops in on himself circa February to see what February Jon has to say.
February Jon: What, you again?
July Jon: Me again. What have you got there?
February Jon: Booster Gold #0.
July Jon: Yeah? What did you think of it?
February Jon: Let’s see…check my notes: “…this whole story arc comes off reading like fan fiction…Or the alternative is that the other shoe is going to drop -- that all this is going to come to a screeching halt and Ted will go back to being dead and the status quo will be maintained, in which case we will have spent months and lots of money following a story that goes nowhere and breaks our fanboy hearts again…Of course there is a third possibility…that this story arc will end up making sense and the Blue and Gold will become a team once again, only this time they will be treated right.”
July Jon: Wow. Such foresight.
February Jon: Yeah? Which of those possibilities actually happened?
July Jon: Umm… I gotta go. I accidentally kept my parents from falling in love, and now a whole platoon of divorce lawyers is disappearing from the space-time continuum.
February Jon: A whole platoon, eh? Well, it’s a start.
Jon heads to his yada yada machine and blah blah blah your mom is a slut.
March Jon: “Wow. Talk about history repeating.”
July Jon: Yeah, I know, this is getting old.
March Jon: Huh? Oh, no, I was just reading over my review for Booster Gold #7: “Wow. Talk about history repeating. I…I’m trying to think of something new to say about this book, and I just can’t. My feelings for the last issue pretty much summarize my feelings for this issue, and all indications are that they will apply to next issue as well. Case in point: Just as all signs indicated would happen, we learn in this issue that the act of saving Ted Kord from a nonsensical death at the hands of Maxwell Lord created a new timeline where Max controls Superman and is taking over the world. Oh. So what’s the point of a series about a guy who runs around the timestream fixing stuff if some stuff simply can be fixed and other stuff, for reasons that are vague at best, simply can’t? My other running complaint, particularly about this storyline, has been how predictable it has beem. Of course, the surprises might still be to come -- it might be that Johns et al are setting us up to expect a story-by-the-numbers only to pull the rug out from under us at the end. I can’t get past this sense of dread as I read this storyline: They’re going to kill Ted again, my heart tells me, and they’re going to milk me for about twenty bucks before they do.”
July Jon: Wow.
March Jon: You think it’s good?
July Jon: No, I mean, “Wow. This mopey bastard never shuts up.”
March Jon: Whatever. You’re the one who thought a stupid scenario like this would make for an amusing review.
July Jon: Well, to be fair, I was mostly interested in amusing myself. I just couldn’t stand the thought of simply repeating myself again, so I thought I’d try to have some fun with it. Also, in my defense, it was after one in the morning when I started on it, so maybe I wasn’t thinking straight when I thought it would be fun.
March Jon: So you’re not having fun?
July Jon: Not in the least. And it’s after two now.
March Jon: So why don’t you just scrap it and do a straight review if you’re so sure this sucks that bad?
July Jon: Why are you going to buy the next four months worth of Booster Gold?
March Jon: Touché.
You think you know what happens next, don’t you? You think Jon moves ahead to April, right? WRONG! Ha! You think you’re so clever! Jon didn’t review issues 8, 9, or 10 of Booster Gold!***
Instead, Jon goes back to December to talk with himself about Booster Gold #5.
July Jon: Hey there, Jon. I’m July Jon.
December Jon: Great. I see my upcoming New Year’s res…
July Jon: Save it. Not funny in a month, not funny now.
December Jon: Oh. OK. What can I do you for?
July Jon: Refresh my memory. What did you think of Booster Gold #5.
December Jon: Well, I’m a little disturbed by it. I don’t think it was a smart decision to invoke The Killing Joke, and I’m kind of nervous about this whole idea that some events can be changed and some can’t. It makes me afraid that they’re going to milk me for a wad of cash before leaving Ted Kord dead. Still, I guess they had to do it. How did I put it in my review? Ah, here we go: “If the book is going to be about Booster playing Dr. Sam Beckett and fixing mistakes in the space-time continuum, what’s to keep him from bouncing around setting everything right, saving his sister after he saves Ted Kord?” So, you know, makes sense. They want to leave Ted dead, I’m sure, so they have to leave everyone dead, like his sister…
July Jon: Uh, yeah. About that.
December Jon: What? WHAT?!?
July Jon: Turns out Ted couldn’t be saved, but Michael’s sister could be.
December Jon: What?!? That… that makes no sense!
July Jon: Nope.
December: So, what, they just jerked out chains for several months?
July Jon: Pretty much. And it ruined the whole experience for me. Take Booster Gold 1,000,000, for example. Not a bad read on its own merits, but the fact that DC and Johns and Jurgens and company spent several months taking my money and playing with my fanboy heart only to give me a story with an ending that was obvious from the start and that made no sense…well…let’s just say I can’t give Booster Gold 1,000,000 a very good rating.
December Jon: So is that it? Are you finally going to drop this book from your pull list?
July Jon: Oh, yeah. I’m done with this book once and for all.
At this moment, another time bubble appears, from which emerges a Jon that weighs well over 300 pounds.
December Jon: Good lord!
July Jon: What… what happened to you?
July 2008 Jon: I went on a massive eating binge because I was so depressed after reading Booster Gold #23.
FADE TO BLACK.
DECEMBER JON AND MARCH JON WILL RETURN IN DOGMA.
*He did indeed mention that, Bulletteers, way back in his review of Booster Gold #0! But for some reason, he called it a “time sphere.” A No-Prize to the first reader who can explain it! – Editor
**All quoted material comes straight from Jon’s old reviews! Honest! I checked ‘em all myself! – Editor
***I wish I hadn’t assigned issue 1,000,000 to him, either. – Editor
What did you think of this book?
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