"Freedom Ring": Part Two
Writer: Robert Kirkman
Artists: Andy Kuhn, Studio F's Marte Gracia(c)
Will somebody rid me of this damn story? Freedom Ring is a stupid super-hero. His life--gay or not--is completely boring, and though Spider-Man shows up in this issue of Marvel Team-Up, he wears--oh, cosmos, no. It's that damn costume again.
Kirkman dooms his readers by devoting six pages to the utterly mind-numbing Curtis Doyle. Kirkman spends a page of tedious wording out of those six that tells as opposed to shows the reader the rules of the magic ring Doyle now possesses:
"Rule number two: I don't need to know anything about what I'm creating. Like, if I wanted a giraffe to appear right now, but I didn't know how to build a giraffe--like how tall they are or whatever--It'd still appear."
First, I didn't ask. Second, you don't build giraffes, you moron, and third, all Curtis does the majority of the issue is wish for concrete blocks. Idiot.
Kirkman gives up two pages of those six for Doyle's date with Jeffrey:
"Hey, Jeffrey, so anxious you just had to wait for me outside. Huh? I like that."
Oh friggin' great. It's the gay version of Hal Jordan. Nobody talks like this, and the unrealistic dialogue continues:
"Ah. I see. Well, I'm just going to go ahead and get this out of the way. It's been awhile since I've been out on a date...So if this is awkward at any point. That's why. Also I thought about bringing you flowers, but I never really liked flowers."
What I get from this dialogue is that the hero of the story is an insensitive, egomaniacal cretin. One, he talks about himself way too much. Two, he assumes because he doesn't like flowers, Jeffrey won't like flowers. Three, his dialogue tells rather than shows.
The annoying character returns after some unfunny expository dialogue from Spider-Man interrupts the ever so interesting life of Curtis Doyle. Doyle's next dialogue idiocy is directed at Jeffrey his date:
"You work in a diner, right? How do you even know about this place?"
This place refers to a restaurant. The assumption is just insulting to Jeffrey's intelligence. Actually, what's worse is that Kirkman's Curtis Doyle dialogue is an insult to the reader's intelligence. Yes, Jeffrey only eats in his diner. He never has a hankering for something different. Dumbass.
Things don't become much better when Curtis Doyle turns into--sigh--Freedom Ring. Sadly for the reader Spider-Man saves Doyles' sorry buttocks from getting pulverized by the Abomination. Kirkman apparently sensing the reader's hatred of Curtis Doyle finally lets the Abomination tag him and gives the reader hope with the Abomination's stirring piece:
"It is time for me to end your life, little one."
Oh, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
Andy Kuhn's artwork is butt ugly. This is especially apparent when he has the audacity to draw the X-Men. When John Cassaday illustrates luscious page after page of Astonishing X-Men, it's unwise to follow his footfalls. Every one of these characters in Kuhn's style looks horrible, and since these are Cassaday's X-Men, it's difficult not to contrast. The elegant Emma Frost has schnoz that threatens to start vibrating like Ralph Dibney's nose.
There's nothing in Marvel Team-Up to recommend.
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