[ Yes … ZERO BULLETS]
“Captain America Lives Again, Chapter 4”
Writer: Dave Gibbons
Artist: Lee Weeks (p), Tom Palmer (i)
Publisher: Marvel Knights
Thank whatever all-powerful tentacled thing in the sky you care to sacrifice your goats to that this steaming turd of a story is finally over. Not in the last five or ten years have I paid for a story that was so intellectually and imaginatively deficient as this one. Want a cliché? I’m sure it’s in here. Want hackneyed science fiction concepts that sound grand to a five year old – but ONLY to a five year old? It’s definitely in here. Want stereotypes and goofy caricatures instead of character development – or hell, character at all? It’s in here in spades. I can’t remember ever feeling slapped in the face like this. This is the worst writing I’ve read in a Marvel comic in years. And the art is ugly, drab, and boring.
For those lucky ones of you who haven’t been paying attention, what we have here is what “really” happened before Cap was plucked from the ice by the Avengers back in 1964. Seems with Cap out of the way, the Nazis won WWII and now (1964, that is) America is under Nazi rule. Of course, after twenty years of rule by the Red Skull (Hitler’s dead of something or other so trivial that I don’t remember, and I’ll be damned if I’m digging through this piece of crap story to remember the details of something that has no relevance to anything else), there’s an active underground peopled by noteworthy Marvel comics characters, but without any powers. Seems Nazis were much more in control of their science experimentation than regular Marvel universe scientists. So there’s no Hulk, no FF, no Spider-Man, no Thor, no Wasp, no Antman/Giant Man/etc. In fact there’s not much of anything but the occasional Nazi parade, and, oh yeah, public hangings in Time’s Square. And Bucky’s still alive! How bout that? Clever isn’t it? All the Marvel characters have to fight the Nazis without any super powers! How exciting! Damn, I can taste the bile rising up in my throat just pretending this is original or interesting.
Well, this issue finishes it all off, as Cap and the rebels take down the Skull and spark a nationwide uprising of good old American spirit. Let me make a list now of things that pissed me off and insulted my intelligence just in this issue:
1) Nick Fury’s first words this issue – “Darn machine gun’s”. This is Marvel Knights. I think he can say damn. This is just another example of the fact that this story is apparently for children or those with childlike tastes and sensibilities – simpletons, really. In other words, if you want serious, or even decent, examples of a world where the Nazis won WWII, this is NOT the place for it. This is going to be a meaningless exercise in packing clichés into the most simplistic package possible.
2) This is without a doubt the worst looking incarnation of Captain America I’ve ever seen. It’s as if Jack Kirby had been kidnapped, had his fingers broken and then told to stop being so expressive and draw him as if he were real. No. That’s not it. That would be better. If there was ever anyone trying to make the argument that all superheroes should ditch their costumes, this would be the artwork to support it. The Captain America uniform looks like a clown suit the way Weeks draws it. There’s nothing larger than life or heroic about it. It just looks like a guy in a bad Halloween costume. The guy in that old TV movie about Cap had a better look. And he was wearing a motorcycle helmet most of the time.
3) The riveting plot twist that Tony Stark isn’t really helping out the Nazis! As if this was going to be a surprise. As soon as Stark appeared with the Nazis we know, of course he’s a good guy! Because nothing in this book can be innovative enough to actually change some of the characters to make it interesting. Nope. Of course Stark’s really a rebel. Of course his heart kills him. Of course he’s built in a failsafe device in the Iron Man armor that the Nazi guards wear. If you didn’t any of that coming you must have had shit in your eye.
4) Cap yelling “Forward now! While we have surprise on our side!” They don’t have surprise on their side. They’ve been in a machine gun battle with the Nazis inside for pages and pages now. Sure, they’re probably surprised that their Iron Men are falling from the sky, but that shouldn’t keep them from gunning down the rebels as the run across open field to the front doors. Stupid shit, yet again.
5) The Time Machine Installation. From start to finish, the worst use of time travel in comics that I can remember. Hell, the whole “we can use the time machine to conquer all of history!” idea is so freaking stupid I don’t know what else to say. Sending Baron Strucker back in time where he killed a dinosaur and brought it back was dumb enough, but the idea of going back and conquering the world before their were Nazis or their superior weaponry is plain silly. I’m sure anyone interesting in science fiction can explain much better than I how crappy an idea this whole thing is. For one thing, going back to before the Nazi party had been formed would pretty much alter any kind of outcome of the war, like the Nazis winning. “Great plan, Herr Skull! Now we, um, waitaminute. Where’d Herr Skull go? Waitaminute, who’s Herr Skull? What was I doing anyway?” I feel like this whole story was squeezed out of some idiot-child’s ass. Hell, you can still see the corn.
6) Sue Storm using her feminine wiles to get the guards to drop the force field that keeps the rebels out of the Time Machine Installation. “Am I in the right place for the breeding program?” This may be the single worst piece of dialogue in the entire story. Not only is this whole ‘using her tits to catch the guards off guard’ one of the most obvious clichés in this piece of crap story, the artwork is so ugly and unpolished that Sue doesn’t even seem to actually be attractive. In fact, her seductive pose is quite possibly the least attractive picture of Sue Storm/Richards in Marvel history. She looks like a man, to be quite honest. When she grabs the machine gun from the guard she punches, there are also art issues with the strap of the rifle. In one panel it’s over the guard’s shoulder. As she’s grabbing it, it’s around his neck somehow.
7) “Sue! That was so risky. . .”
8) “Kill the rebels! Kill them all!”
9) Bruce Banner shouting “Just smash it! SMASH IT!” Wink wink.
10) Doom’s face is burnt up in the explosion. Surprise!!
11) The fact that the “uncontrolled temporal energy” is obviously the reset button for this story. Of course, as soon as a time machine was introduced we all knew what was going to happen, right? If you didn’t, then what the fuck is wrong with you?
12) The Skull threatening Bucky with a pistol. How the hell did he even walk up to the group of rebels and grab their leader without anyone noticing? The artwork clearly places the Skull in plain sight as the rebels go running over to the fallen Hank Pym. It’s just another sign of bad plotting and even shittier follow through.
13) “No! You won’t kill Bucky!”
14) Cap and the Skull disappearing into the time machine as if it were quicksand. And one of the great romances of comics is ended yet again, as, with their arms outstretched to each other, our heroes yell, “Caaaaaap!” and “Buuuckky!” Is it wrong of me that the only words that I can think of that do justice to this story are “shitty” and “retarded”? It probably is. Sorry.
15) Last one, I promise. Somehow, the time machine blowing up has fixed everything, and the Nazis lost the war and the Avengers pick up a frozen Cap in 1964. Not only is this the biggest cop-out of the entire story, it’s just plain stupid. If we had actually gone back to when Cap and Bucky were trying to stop the plane that started the whole Cap-in-the-ice scenario, and seen them do something then this would be easier to buy. But as it’s written, all that had to happen to reset everything to the way we all know it’s supposed to be, was the explosion of the time machine. So our heroes, their sacrifices and struggles, were pretty empty. The machine is the real hero of this story. The reset button is the hero.
You know? It really is.
Is there anyone over the age of twelve that finds any of this interesting or entertaining? Is this some sort of “refreshing” return to the simplistic comics of our youths? Or is just lazy bullshit, callously being used to grab more of our dollars as we wait for a new creative team? I’ve actually read reviews of this storyline that praise it for capturing some innocence that we’ve lost. All I can say to that is, if you liked this story, you were probably dropped on your head as a child and never developed intellectually or imaginatively past the age of five. If this is what you like then you should be sterilized. You are killing comics. You. You know who you are.
What did you think of this book?
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