Writer: Alan Moore
Artists: Zander Cannon, Gene Ha
Publisher: DC/ABC
It's long, but it's all quotation, so settle down.
Sergeant Kemlo Caesar is dining with Annette, an elegant, middle-aged lady, looking down at her plate:
"That was a great meal and a great evening, Kemlo. Thank you... and don't worry. I won't spoil it by inviting myself home again."
"Annette, look, there's just stuff I have to be sure of..."
"Yeah? Like what?"
"Well... like that this isn't just some sex thing. I really like you, Annette. I just have to be sure."
"Okay. That's fair enough. See, I knew this other hooker once. She made it with her dog. Not like you. Ordinary dog."
"Jeez."
"Wait. It gets better. I asked her why she did it. Know what she said? "Because with him, I know he loves me.""
Sergeant Kemlo Caesar is a doberman. In an exoskeleton.
Welcome to the world of TOP TEN, a precinct of police officers who have to deal with the fact that in their world everyone has superpowers. As do the cats, and the mice. And infestations cause... complications:
"Well, look for yourself. See, ultramice, they behave sorta like regular science-guys. Get enough science animals together, it's a big event. Next thing, it escalates. You get a crisis-war crossover thing going... Inevitably cosmic powers get involved. You know how it is."
"Jeez..."
Cue insanely detailed Marvel/DC parody on the floor of Duane's apartment:
"It's difficult keeping up with the cross-continuity, but I think Cosmouse just gave the Saturnian Scraphunter his Ultimate Pacifier to use against Galactapuss..."
Okay, so only superhero buffs are going to get that one, and although there are hundreds of background jokes (Ghost Rider unicycling through a graveyard past Oscar Wilde and ASTRO CITY's Hanged Man), that's not really what this is about. It really is Hillstreet Blues in another dimension, with all the walk-throughs, banter, and oh yes, crime solving you'd expect. In this closing half of season one, after weeks of lengthy investigations, all the problems converge for a fatal blow-out which even the most gung-ho AUTHORITY fans will not feel cheated by:
"Oh god. She's got a hole through her. Dear god, that sweet girl..."
"Captain Traynor, sir? With all due respect, sir... permission to use extreme force."
"Break her £$%&ing neck, son."
But this is Alan Moore, I hear you braying, surely there's more to this than hitting things? Well, that's the shocking thing about that scene, it's a complete rarity. Moore's more interested in poking fun by mixing genres, and using the set-up to comment on whatever crops up. Lest we forget, it's the tenth anniversary this week of the racist murder of Stephen Lawrence, the investigation into which was condemned by Macpherson as hampered by institutional racism. The existence of which surprised absolutely no one that I'm acquainted with. In this futuristic city bigotry remains rife - it's just changed targets - so when an Artificial Intelligence joins the force he has a hard time from within, particularly at the hands of Officer Cheney, who's been making snide 'clicker' references throughout the series, much to his partner's irritation. Which brings us to one of my favourite put-down in comics, as Pete Cheney attempts to grab a candy bar from the public dispenser up against the wall:
"Hell, I ain't no clicker-licker. Lemme get my candy-bar, okay?"
"This is about the new guy?"
"Jacks, he was great. We're there three minutes, crime solved, perp in the car."
"Damn robots, man. Just after our jobs. Not only that, I hear they like, y'know, human women."
"Uh-huh. Yeah, well, I can see how you'd find that a bewildering concept."
"Pete, robots and women, that only happens in your porno collection...."
"Yeah? Well here's the tin man himself. Why don't I ask him?"
"Pete, don't be an asshole, man..."
"Hey, Officer Pie-Tin, is that right about you guys and human women? Y'know, how you can't keep your pincers off 'em?"
"Jesus, Cheney..."
"That's an interesting QUESTION, Officer Cheney. As far as I know, it's much more common for HUMANS to be sexually aroused by MACHINES than the other way round."
"Huh? That's a lot of crap! Where's your evidence?" asks Cheney, reaching into the dispenser slot.
"Well, with respect, I should point out that YOU'RE the one who's feeling up my retarded hillbilly cousin EMMY-SUE in public."
"Whaat?"
"Emmy-Sue, it breaks my clockwork heart to see you lowering yourself like this. Cover yourself up, girl, and we'll say no more about it."
"What? What's funny? Hey, screw you, Bodine! Think this is so goddam funny, laughin' like a little idiot kid! Damn, I gotta go wash my hand!"
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