In Which I Legally Change My Name To Radix

By By J Hues

“Wouldn’t it be neat if—“

“NO!”
--John Byrne pitching a new series to DC after the cancellation of Lab Rats.

ROUND 1

In honor of the final issues of Marvel Knights, Blade and Infinity Abyss, I’d like to thank Marvel Comics for the fact that I will never have to see these pieces of crap on my comic racks ever, ever again. At least until my retailer starts trying desperately to give away the few he did order by offering to let you get the whole run FREE if you buy… well absolutely anything at all in the store. Want a stick of gum? Well how about the six issue run of Marvel’s Infinity Abyss? Hey, kid where ya goin’? It’s Starlin! Come on. Damn. He forgot his gum.

“Can I have that.”

Thank you Marvel for clearing the plate a bit this week of some of that swill. Now if we could just get some more pointless appearances by Spider-Man then my collection will be complete. I think Spider-Man should make an appearance in the final issue of Apache Skies. He can swing in, crack a few jokes and then swing out. And we could have Venom too. And a multi-part crossover to herald his return in which he chases Spider-Man through everyone’s books. We’ll boost sales on the whole line. And we can have chromium covers too! Blue and red and gold and silver and…

…

Crap, nineties flashback. Sorry about that.


ROUND 2

So have you been wondering whatever happened to former Sigil wunderkinds the Lai Brothers. I know I have. Assuming Radix canceled I even stowed away the most recent issue and wrote off the whole series. But then all of a sudden word comes out yesterday that they’re in the middle of a huge shebang of a lawsuit with the geeks at MIT.

According to the Lais, it turns out that those MIT kids swiped some images from Radix and used those to hype up their proposal for a military suit of armor (I guess the Iron Man and Darth Vader pictures were just TOO obvious). The problem is that they didn’t give the Lais credit and in fact credited some punk girl (ew girls have cooties!). So it looks like the science nerds are stealing from the comics nerds now, but then haven’t they been finding inspiration for their technological advances in comics and science fiction for decades now. Well, anyway, aside from the rights of creators, and the rights they have over their own properties, the problem for the common schlubs like you and me is that until all this is solved and taken care of through the American court systems we won’t see another issue of Radix.

So look for Radix #4 to ship sometime in the latter part of 2098; which should have it appearing just a week or two after the Image Tenth Anniversary Hardcover.


ROUND 3

Those kooky kids at Acclaim have concocted a scheme to coincide with their release of the new all-platforms video game Turok: Evolution. The game drops on September 1, 2002 and in honor of it’s gory content and “mature” rating, Team Acclaim has dubbed that day “Turok Bloody Sunday.” Bono was going to sing the theme song until he realized that Turok was killing dinosaurs and not planting beautiful rain forests in the game.

The best part is, however, the marketing ploy that some Einstein developed (or rather ripped off from all the other failed attempts to do this). That’s right if you’re expecting and your baby is due right about now, stick a cork in her and tell her to wait until “Turok Bloody Sunday.” If you do, and if you name your baby Turok (after the title character – natch), and if you can certify it and prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt in the shady minds of the shady lawyers representing Acclaim (no I am not actually inferring that the specific lawyers working for Acclaim are shady inasmuch as I am simply making a pointed attempt to bring some levity to this very somber story so if you want to sue somebody, I’d suggest Todd McFarlane—he’s far more used to it than I am), then you get not 1, not 2, but $10,000 worth of savings bonds.

Then, after a year of calling your child by his middle name and never telling anyone about this ever at all, you can legally change your child’s name to what you really wanted it to be all along.


ROUND 4

And I didn’t even get a thank you. It looks like, according to the fine folks at Broadsword Comics, that Jim Balent’s latest comic 3 Kittens #1 is selling out across the country. If you read the column last week then you know I spent a great deal of time and compassion struggling with those poor addicts writhing in booby-withdrawal since the loss of Chaos! In my charity I made a series of recommendations, one of which was any of the beautifully drawn nekkid and partially nekkid chicks in Jim Balent’s books.

And now, here we are one week later and the very next book to come out from them is “selling out” across the country. Don’t worry fanboys, Broadsword assures us there’s more copies on the way. Tell your friends. We’ll all get through this together.

You’re welcome.


ROUND 5

Do you like reading column. Do you like comics. Then you need to be checking out the best-written and most thought out column on comics in this industry. He is the yin to my yang. The talent to my hack. The quality to my bag of crap. I’m talking about Silver Bullet’s own Brandon Thomas and Ambidextruous. Thomas recently spent three weeks laying out “The Blueprint” for the future of comics. This is a guy to watch out for.

If you enjoy reading good columns you might want to stop reading this one right now and head right on over there by clicking right here.


ROUND 6

In the spirit of Marvel’s Infinity Abyss, it looks like DC Comics is dipping back into the well of former sales successes. Coinciding in the same month as a Batman weekly event (Batman: Family for those who need to know), DC is taking a look back ten years later at the much publicized “Death of Superman.” In the four-issue weekly series (at $2.95 a pop) Dan Jurgens, who was involved in the original “Death of Superman” storyline ten years ago, is writing a series in which a Daily Planet news report is assigned to write a story for the anniversary of Superman’s death. Get it, it’s the tenth anniversary of the comics so he’s… oh never mind.

Anyway, this reporter goes around interviewing those where were there, starting with the more marquee players like Booster Gold and the Blue Beetle (hey these guys were Justice League at the time) and moving on to the more down-to-earth, post September 11, sensitive-type of storytelling in which we can herald the “true” heroes of any disaster, etc. etc., etc. Is it any wonder that this story is coming about fairly close to our national look back at the tragedy of 9/11 on the anniversary of that attack.

Not that I would ever accuse a comics company of attempting to cash in on the tragedy of 9/11.

No.

I won’t do it.

And besides, it actually looks pretty good anyway. And they’ve got Bill Sienkewicz inking Jurgens on the covers. That’s an eclectic mix I’d pay $2.95 to see!


ROUND 7

Just for fun I would like to spotlight my recommended picks from this month’s Previews in their entirety! Order these books liberally!

CHAOS! COMICS

LADY DEATH/EVIL ERNIE #1
by Pulido, Molenaar & Wong, & Broeker
Because the fans demanded it, Chaos!'s two icons meet for the first time in over two years! In fact, this is the first time since the fateful Armageddon event! Will they meet as friend or foe? In this story, for once and for all, creator Brian Pulido will resolve the question fans have wanted to know for years: Was Evil Ernie Lady Death's pawn? Was it true love? The answer may surprise you! A not-to-be-missed issue! This issue takes place in continuity and picks up after Lady Death: Dark Alliance #5.
FC, 40pg $3.50

LADY DEATH/EVIL ERNIE #1 PREMIUM EDITION
Cover by Steven Hughes & Jason Jensen
Gear up Chaos! fans — this is the landmark crossover you've been begging for as Lady Death meets up with Evil Ernie! Collect this timeless primo cover by the great duo from years past featuring artist Steven Hughes and colorist Jason Jensen. Limited to 3,000 copies, and printed on cardstock.
FC, 40pg $9.99

LADY DEATH/EVIL ERNIE #1 SUPER PREMIUM EDITION
Cover by Steven Hughes & Jason Jensen
Own this super premium featuring a classic image of the Diva of Death and the "Evil" one by fan-favorites Steven Hughes and Jason Jensen. Originally used as a Chaos! Fiend Club image — it captures the excitement this crossover will offer! Limited to just 1,000 copies and printed on cardstock.
FC, 40pg $20.00

LADY DEATH/EVIL ERNIE #1 FOIL EDITION
Cover by Steven Hughes & Jason Jensen
Like your comic covers with foil to give it some zest? Then own this edition, which features the Lady Death/Evil Ernie #1 Premium cover with foil application! Limited to only 200 copies worldwide.
FC, 40pg $20.00

EVIL ERNIE: MANHATTAN DEATH TRIP #1
by Brian Pulido & Gerardo Sandoval
Evil Ernie, the most anti-social, anti-authoritative, and politically incorrect horror character returns in this all new, untold tale! This important, extra-long story details Evil Ernie's apocalyptic conquest of New York City. Can the biker gang leader Jake lead his crew out of the city — and rescue his socialite Mother — before the city crumbles? Recommended for mature readers… and the insane! Not for the squeamish. You have been warned! Cover by Steven Hughes and Jason Jensen. 28 pages of story & art.
MATURE READERS
b&w, 40pg $3.50

EVIL ERNIE: MANHATTAN DEATH TRIP PREMIUM EDITION #1
Cover by Justiniano & Brett Smith
Chaos! fan-favorite artist Justiniano (Chastity: Theater of Pain, The Omen) illustrates this wild premium cover for the untold tale of the "Evil" one's Manhattan Death Trip! Limited to 3,000 copies. Cardstock cover.
MATURE READERS
b&w, 40pg $9.99

EVIL ERNIE: MANHATTAN DEATH TRIP SUPER PREMIUM EDITION #1
Cover by Justiniano & Jason Jensen
For the discerning Evil Ernie fiend, Chaos! presents this super premium cover edition by Justiniano and Jason Jensen! Features a quintessential image of Evil Ernie that's limited to just 500 copies worldwide and printed on cardstock.
MATURE READERS
b&w, 40pg $20.00

EVIL ERNIE: MANHATTAN DEATH TRIP SCRIPT #1
by Brian Pulido
Exclusive Cover! Eager to know what goes into writing a psychotic story like Evil Ernie: Manhattan Death Trip #1? Explore the script from the mind of writer and creator Brian Pulido as Black Label presents every nail-biting page of Manhattan Death Trip #1! You can't get any more detailed about the story than this! Recommended for mature readers and ideal for aspiring horror writers. Limited to 1,000 copies.
MATURE READERS
b&w, 40pg $4.99

EVIL ERNIE: MANHATTAN DEATH TRIP SCRIPT PREMIUM EDITION #1
by Brian Pulido
All-New Premium Cover! Brian Pulido signs his very own script for the "Evil" one! Strictly limited to only 250 copies worldwide, be one of a select few to add this to your treasured collection, 'cause its been certified by its creator! Only from Pulido's Black Label!
MATURE READERS
b&w, 40pg $20.00

EVIL ERNIE: THE HORROR #1 SUPER PREMIUM
Cover by Tim Vigil
Tim Vigil (Faust) illustrates this gore-fueled cover as mutilated heads surround Evil Ernie. Just who do these heads belong to? If you haven't caught "The Horror" — find out! Limited to 500 copies and printed on cardstock.
b&w, 40pg $20.00

PURGATORI: SANCTIFIED #1
by Brian Pulido & Fabiano Neves
In the heated aftermath of the Trick or Treat storyline, Purgatori, the demonic Vampire Goddess, finds herself at odds with the world. She is being hunted-down by House Danton, while she is pursuing the mysterious blood sect. It's a dark, roller-coaster race to a mysterious artifact that can control all vampires! Who will get it? It's not to be missed — see for yourself! Cover by Steven Hughes and Jason Jensen.
FC, 32pg $2.99

PURGATORI: SANCTIFIED PREMIUM EDITION #1
Cover by Jack Jadson, Rob Lean, & Blond
As writer Brian Pulido sanctifies Purgatori in an all-new story, make sure to own this classic, exclusive premium cover by Jack Jadson! Limited to 3,000 copies and printed on cardstock.
FC, 32pg $9.99

I am so pumped about these offerings, I’m probably gonna order ten of each of the Special Premium Editions. Hell, at $10.00 per I’m gonna wallpaper my kid’s room in them. Didja see that “Foil Edition?” It features the Premium cover “with foil application.” Cardstock covers. $10.00. How is this company out of business? It’s beyond me I’ll tell you. $20.00 for a signed script with a Premium cover too! I swear it’s like I’m at Wal-Mart. So much good stuff I just gotta have it all. I told Brian that he should go with nude variants but he said no. Something about being a man of integrity. Boy, I guess he really proved me wrong!

Loot at all those names that aren’t Brian Pulido. Did they produce this work yet? If so, did they get paid? If they didn’t you can bet they’ll be getting a piece of the tasty and lucrative pie that was Chaos! Comics. Super Premium Foil Editions and all!

Check them all out, coming NEVER to a comics shop near you!

K.O.


POST-MATCH PRESS CONFERENCE

You can’t hold me down. You can’t contain me. I’m exploding out all over the place. That’s a posturing way of saying that the column is spilling out all over the place. Well, actually it’s just spilling over into the Message Board. I call them “Addendums.” It’s a way for me to talk about other things related to comics or life or whatever that don’t fit the flow of this column. Some features will be regular down there, others will be sporadic, as the muse strikes.

Specifically, the “Weekly Rewinders” feature has already begun. Each week, after I’m finished reading my stack (and believe me it’s a stack) of comics, I’ll be providing a new installment of “Weekly Rewinders” on the message boards. These will always come out sometime between the Friday you’re reading this and the Tuesday of the following week. Last week’s “Weekly Rewinders” hit on Monday; you can check it out http://www.silverbulletcomicbooks.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2208”>here to see what I’m talking about.

The next regular feature will be “Hues Reviews Previews” in which I will take a look at the bible of comics each month and tell you what’s worth reading (and no I won’t be recommending everything I read). I know, I know everybody does this, but it’s me. If you’ve read this column then trust me it won’t be like everyone else does it. The first one of these should go up in the next couple of days so look for it. The next “Weekly Rewinders” will be up by Tuesday, as always.

As for the other stuff, let’s face it. This column has a pretty specific tone and attitude that I love. But maybe I’ll get a bugaboo up my ass to rant about something else or say something serious. Well I’m not gonna screw up my beautiful soufflé of nuttery with nonsense like that so I’ll drop it on the Boards and drop you a link or a warning to look for it. Sound like a deal? Great. See you around.


disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.

Rolling With The Punches, and all contents herein are ™ and © 2002 j.hues AKA Jason J. Hughes, all rights reserved. Any reproduction or reprinting without the expressed written permission of j.hues is strictly prohibited (so I can sue you) except for review purposes. Now if you want to quote me and drop a link right back here I’ll be your best friend for life but you know how it is. I don’t want to end up fighting Todd McFarlane and Neil Gaiman in court over the rights to Marvelman/Miracleman so I’m just covering mine here. Thanks for reading all the way to the bitter end.