Son And/Or Daughter Of The Comic Book Cliche List

Well, one person took us up on the challenge from a couple of weeks ago, and did a fine job...

blackflak@aol.com says:

"You missed one of the most egregious:
'How can something so big move so fast?' Apparently no superhero worth his salt believes that large things have any agility whatsoever, as evinced by this remark, again and again and again."

Another reader, John C. Kirk, said the following:

"I liked your list of comic cliches, but I thought that the 'Bootstrap Rule' was a little harsh. What about Night Thrasher? You can pretty much sum up the character by saying 'A black version of Batman.'"

I, Park, bought this argument. However, in talking it over with John, we decided that Night Thrasher might well be an exception that proves the rule, and should be chalked up to the often-underestimated writing of Fabian. John and I couldn't really think of anyone else who discounted the rule except for the Black Panther, which I thought was fairly good thinking on John's part but John himself thought was kind of a gray area as African-Americans were sort of implied by my rule.

Other (new) Park and Barb cliches:

For every team there is an equal and opposite team: if you form a super-group, a villain group with exactly the same number of people will appear to oppose you, and they'll each have powers very similar to yours if not better suited to matching yours. you will pair up with your opposite numbers and get your asses handed to you until you realize oh yeah, we shouldn't match fire with fire like that and you'll switch partners and start being victorious

Barb's Old School Tie rule: if this was anyone else... and yet that's why you alone must stop him

The Most Dangerous Game: there's always someone who thinks it would be great to put the hero or heroine (happened to Buffy!) somewhere and hunt him/her... but what really gets Barb is that there's often a recorded message of hate that warns the player and tells them what the rules of the game are... and every time, the hero stands there and listens to it instead of starting to RUN RUN RUN... EXCEPT one time, and that was "The Deadliest Night of My Life!", a Daredevil story by Harlan Ellison, in which the second Daredevil understands that the end of the message will start the game up again, he's instantly trying to break out of the mansion again, not wasting time listening to the message prattle on and on... which is why Ellison is a respected writer instead of another phone-it-in hack... and why Daredevil, like Ellison, is still alive today...

Danger Room Dialogue: I, Barb, am sick of the Danger Room. But what really gets me about it is how it spawns taglines and cheesy dialogue

Wingwalking: you can't frikking stand on the wing of a JET unless you are a scary taloned monster that's trying to scare either Shatner or Lithgow. If your engine thrust is from jet propulsion instead of propellers, even a well-anchored strap will not keep you on that damn wing

Exploding in Space: people will not explode in space... they will freeze to death, but they won't actually explode...

How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You Aren't Anywhere At All: the villain kidnaps you, whom everyone knows is the buddy of the hero, so he can draw the hero into his trap, when actually you are the civilian secret identity of the hero in the first place. God forbid he should just ransom your ass for money...

Parent Trap: Does anyone in comics have two living parents? And in Marvel especially, does anyone ever have even one non-screwed-up parent? Why are Marvel parents always traitors or con men, or villains or in very poor health (yet never die) or abusive or nagging or... or... or aliens... or... I mean look, Vance Astrovik KILLED his father for god's sake... sure, it was after dad started wailing on him first, but dad had no telekinesis... this could have been avoided. Park's friend Nathan has always held that Cannonball's amazing mutant ability was having a nice mom that wasn't actually Ms. Sinister or anything (or is she?)

The Amazing "Black Pot Man": The vigilante who tells OTHER vigilantes in the city that their methods are too extreme... "I agree with your cause but not your methods." How much difference is there between Batman and Huntress, REALLY?

Children who MUST follow in their parent's (or parents') footsteps by becoming a supervillain. My example: The Mist, in Starman. When you see that your absentee dad has been in and out of jail most of your life... why would you want to go down that path? Most sane people would get some therapy, work on their issues, and go exactly the opposite way... And I suppose some do go EXACTLY the opposite way, like Brain Wave II or Brainiac 5 (I guess they've got brains), but why don't they become, like, plumbers or website editors or something?

Greentown: That title's ripped off from issue three of the klunky Iceman 4-part limited series so many, many years ago... in this cliche the hero is brainwashed, or not, and put into a town where, usually, everything is peaceful and people are kind and sweet and there's no crime or hatred or prejudice... or else the town is weird in some other way... I've seen it in Punisher War Zone, we've seen it in The Prisoner, we've seen it in Batman the Animated Series, we saw a twist on it in Star Trek on a Space Station, I've seen it in Richie Rich, I've seen it in The Trouble With Girls, I saw it happen to Arseface. Either it's a weird dream, or a weird brainwashing village or whatever, but it shows up over and over

Steal This Show!: It's okay to rip off anything from any episode of Twilight Zone or Outer Limits. See the current Hellblazer, see the Martian Manhunter, see Green Lantern: Mosaic, see Watchmen, see The Invisibles (to be fair, some of these have more to them than just ripping off the plot of one of the episodes [after all, The Invisibles was not only the title of an Outer Limits, but also the title of a book on voodoo])...

Age Regression/Advancing: Whether physically or mentally/emotionally, someone makes the heroes into teens or little kids. Seen it in LSH, seen it with X-Babies, seen it with JSA/JLA, seen it on Buffy. Seen the rapidly-aging-bodies thing on Star Trek, seen it in YJ, seen it on Dexter's Lab, etc

Imaginary Fairy Tale: Someone takes the whole concept of the comic etc and casts it in a fairy tale, or Christmas Carol/It's A Wonderful Life, Wizard of Oz, other plug-ins. Seen it with a ton of DC annuals, seen it with Kitty Pryde and the X-Men, seen it a bunch of other places. Other plug-ins are a Film Noir Detective Novel rip off (the Vision's limited series, Duckman, etc)

Mass Brainwashing-- everyone but the hero has been brainwashed and no one believes the hero when he or she insists the world is different. Done BEST in Marvel's Emperor Doom, but also done more recently in Gen 13, etc etc

The Real Heroes are Busy: Something's happened to the star heroes and the losers must save us. Bouncing Boy, the Substitute Legionnaires, but (shudder) Mystery Men (and perhaps The Specials-- is that movie EVER comic out)?

Dead Non-Ringers: Some stupid aliens or robots or whatever want the hero but they've mistaken his identity for someone else (or worse, they've guessed RIGHT) so someone else has to impersonate the hero. Classic example is when someone says "Oh I see why Superman always shows up when Jimmy finds trouble-- Superman IS Jimmy!" And so to save Lois, Jimmy has to pretend to be Superman, Doiby Dickles has to pretend he's Green Lantern, Wesley has to pretend to be Angel, etc...

Rashomons: At some point in every serially-told story, the writers must rip off Akira Kurosawa's film Rashomon, the first to tell a story by giving three or four different characters' very different versions of the same occurence, especially when they make themselves into the cool calm and collected heroes of the hour in their own version

Retcon Meetings: When it turns out that two characters' first meeting wasn't REALLY what we all think it was, but actually happened at an earlier time... "Oh, sure, that was our first official meeting when we started hanging out with each other, but we actually first met once before that, though you may not remember it..." Worst example ever: Superman/Batman: Generations

Disposable Buddies: Old buddies that we've never seen or even heard of before that turn up needing help, and we'll never see them again-- it's clear to the reader that they're just there to provide a new obstacle for the character to solve that month

Leela of the Sevateem: When you show up on a new planet or dimension or whatever, it turns out that you or one of your team or everyone on the team are worshipped like gods (or hated as devils) there even though (as far as you know) you've never been there before... the crowning touch is a big giant statue or stone bust/face roughly in your likeness... see Dr. Who, Excalibur, Flash... hell, now that we think about it, MOST of these cliches have turned up in Flash at one time or another... Thank you, Mark Waid, of Okeefenokee, FLA!

Parallel Evolution My Ass: Okay, the gods have decreed that 70 percent of all aliens will stand upright with two arms and two legs and one head and two eyes and one mouth. But why the hell does Krypton have funky Glass-Eaters and other wildlife yet their cats, dogs AND MONKEYS look like earth-standard?

Park's bud Nathan Baker's cliches:

The Professional/Daddy's-little-girl Syndrome: The jaded, world-weary,
incredibly lethal almost-anti-hero with no sense of humor and serious control issues who would otherwise have no meaniful human relationships will instantly bond with the tough, spunky, teen-age girl...who for her part, will (after displaying a token amount of attitude) accept this low-yield sociopath as role model and father-figure. The two will demonstrate their affection and familial concern by beating the mortal crap out of people together

Looking for Love on all the Wrong Roof-tops: the closest the cold, distant, hard-bitten dedicated lone avenger will come to any kind of long term romantic relationship will be double-entendrees with and suppressed desire for the sexy, almost-but-not-quite-equally lethal villaness with a heart of gold. Sub-rule: if they ever get together she will either die or turn away from a life of crime...and then die

Safe Sex: The hero's powers and/or not-quite-human physiology will never be an issue in bed. Sub-rule: all species and sub species of basicly humanoid physiognomy can successfully interbreed. Any child of a human-superhero/mutant/alien/ god coupling will be a human with superpowers....as opposed to merely human or hideously deformed

Drug of Choice: only anti-heros smoke. Those characters that smoke may not always have cigarettes, but will always have a light. Said light will always be either a Zippo or matches (paper or wood)...no disposables. Said Zippo will always have fresh flints and fluid, said matches or lighter will always light on the first try and burn long enough to light the cigarette/cigar/pipe despite local environmental/atmospheric conditions. Cigars are always half-smoked... a new one is never just started. The character will never burn anything with his/her smoke of choice accidently (ie: clothes, apolstery, self). Characters who use matches will never strike it normally, but instead use some cool, one-handed trick, and when doing so, will never get the burning match head stuck under their thumbnail or have it fly off and hit someone or some other equally embarrassing/painful accident. No one ever tries to light the filter. No one ever, if unable to smoke, goes into withdrawl. No matter where the character is, on or off earth, he/she can always find his/her brand. Heros are, by unspoken concensus, allowed to ash anywhere they want

Hero names: if the hero uses a secret identity or code name, the hero's real name will either be A)incredibly fey...Bruce Wayne, Bruce Banner, B) will in some way sound like or reference their superhero name ...Stephen Strange, Damon Hellstrom C) first and last names will be alliterated... Peter Parker, Clark Kent or D) all three