Who's Who In The CBU Update 2010
Who are... Park and Barb?
Barbara Lien-Cooper and Park Cooper, are the owners of Wicker Man Studios and of Gun Street Girl, its flagship project created by Barbara and artist Ryan Howe. Barbara has written for many websites, and served a one-year stint as Managing Editor of the multiple-Eisner-award-winning print magazine Comic Book Artist. Park is the Editor-in-Chief of indie comics company Septagon Studios, and of Comics Bulletin's sister-website MangaLife. Together, they also co-wrote the graphic novel Half Dead, published by Dabel Brothers Productions and Marvel Comics, and later picked up again by Desperado Publishing, and the New Media project The Hidden for manga publisher Tokyopop. They both also adapt manga and edit manga and comics for various companies.
League Of Extraordinary Gentlegoons
By Park Cooper
Okay, I've done something brilliant here, but it's a blend of two things and one of them most of SBC's American audience will simply not get at all. This one's more for our more global English-speaking community...
The Goon Show Meets The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
This being a site and a column about comics, I'm going to presume that you're familiar with the basic concept of the second. For the first, The Goon Show, I've tried to cue you into who's who beforehand in the following lines... The Goon Show was a comedy radio series in England with a young Peter Sellers starring as roughly 1/3rd of the characters.
Quatermain, the Adventurer -- Neddie Seagoon, the central figure of all the shows. Cheerful, likeable, gullible, but his greed regularly leads him astray.
Campion Bond, the Representative-- Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, a posh, educated voice based on that of English actor George Sanders, who often played the suave cad. Grytpype-Thynne is a crook and con man, and the basic plot of most shows revolves around the efforts of him and his henchman, Count Moriarty, to swindle Neddie Seagoon.
Moriarty, The Would-Be Mastermind -- Count Moriarty, French scrag and lackey to Grytpype-Thynne, who usually introduces him and attributes to him some outlandish title or record that he holds ("Has played the male lead in over 50 postcards").
Nemo, the Sea Captain -- Eccles, "the original goon," a voice combining Disney's Goofy character; Edgar Bergen's Mortimer Snerd; and Clifton Finnegan, the super-stupid regular customer at Duffy's Tavern. Jokes about his stupidity are a staple of the show, with Eccles himself cheerfully joining in.
Cabin Boy: Little Jim, a small child barely old enough to be understood most of the time.
London Urchin: Bluebottle, a squeaky-voiced young boy scout who usually reads his own stage directions.
Mina, the Bride of Dracula -- Miss Minnie Bannister, spinster, an oversexed senior citizen. She lives with Henry Crun.
Jekeel, the Doctor -- Major Dennis Bloodnok, a devout coward either retired or deserted from the British Army. He is afflicted with extreme gastric distress, and his introductory theme is usually followed by a bizarre series of explosions and bubbling noises that represent his guts rumbling.
Hyde, the Beast -- Henry Crun, crumbling, fumbling, very old man. Paramour of Minnie Bannister..
Griffin, The Invisible Man -- Willium "Mate" Cobblers, an elderly cockney who calls everybody "Mate." He most often appears as a constable, but really can pop up in almost any role.
Fu Manchu, The Master of the East-- one of the Thingh brothers. An East India stereotype.
Wallace Greenslade, announcer. He opened and closed each show, did continuities within them, and often took brief speaking parts. When not doing the Goon Show, he was in fact a news announcer at BBC.
Ray Ellington, drummer, singer whose quartet played one of the two musical interludes in each show.
Max Geldray, jazz harmonica player from Holland. Backed by the house band, he plays the first musical interlude in each show.
Wally Stott Orchestra, the house band.
If you still don't get it, but want to, try these links first:
http://www.goon.org/
http://www.residents.com/Goons/
Okay, now you're on your own...
LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEGOONS
Greenslade: This is the BBC.
Sound Effect: Trumpet Fanfare of England's national anthem, suddenly cut off as Quatermain starts a brief coughing fit, as if he was playing all the trumpets at once which led to an asthma attack...
Campion Bond: This is the BBC.
Wild applause, until Moriarty shouts--
Moriarty: STOP! Didn't he already say that?
Campion: No.
Moriarty: Are you sure?
Campion: Yes, why just look over there if you don't believe me.
Moriarty: There's nothing over there.
Campion: Well you're way off your cue.
Moriarty: What?
Campion: This is the BBC.
Moriarty takes a long pause, then: Didn't you already say that?
Campion: No.
Moriarty: Yes you did, it's the third time.
Campion: If you don't believe me just look over there.
Moriarty: Ah hah! It's Quatermain breathing out hookah smoke-writing that reads "This is the BBC."
Campion: You see, I told you so.
Moriarty: But what's he doing here? I thought the plan involved him meeting Nemo in Brighton.
Campion: But he's out of body old chap.
Moriarty: I see! I'll just hide here in the decolletage of this pre-modernist statue of Britannia!
Campion, calmly: Hail Britannia.
Moriarty, muffled, breaks into a terrible rendition of the national anthem for about two and a half verses ("Hail, Britannia! Britannia rules the waves! We, shall, never never never something sommmmmmmmmthi-i-ing something-that-rhymes-with-waves.")
Quatermain: Hello there, Sabrina.
Campion: Quatermain, I'm not Sabrina.
Quatermain: Have you got a frog in your throat, Sabrina?
Campion: Quatermain, I'm not Sabrina.
Muffled Moriarty: Didn't you already say that?
Campion: No.
Quatermain: Well you certainly look like Sabrina.
Campion: No I don't.
Quatermain: You'd think you did if you were an opium fiend. How do I know you aren't Sabrina?
Campion: Ask me something only Sabrina would know.
Quatermain: All right... What's my first name?
Campion: Alan.
Quatermain: Well that's no good, I was trying to trick you. Sabrina wouldn't know that.
Campion: You see, I told you so.
Quatermain: Then who are you?
Muffled Moriarty: He's Campion Bond and he works for me, no matter what else you might hear!
Quatermain: Who was that?!?
Campion: That's the frog in Sabrina's throat. Allow me to introduce Count Amphibius Moriartus, Frog Prince of England's Dreaming, Opium branch.
Quatermain: Oh well that's all right then.
Muffled Moriarty: I'm not actually in her throat but I can see it from here.
Campion: Quatermain!
Quatermain: Hmmmmmm?
Campion: I have a job for you that concerns the fate of the British Empire.
Muffled Moriarty: Britannia forever!
Quatermain and Moriarty break into two and a half verses of the same song as earlier.
Campion: Quatermain, the British Empire is in danger and only you can save it.
Quatermain: Save it for what?
Muffled Moriarty: For Campion and myself!
Quatermain: Well then you do it then.
Campion: He's a frog old chap, he's not really interested in the best interests of Britain.
Quatermain: What is this danger exactly?
Campion: London is under threat from the Master of the East, the Bachelor of Northern Mongolia, Doctor Fu Manchu.
Quatermain: The Fiend! No, wait, that's me.
Campion: Yes. Doctor Fu Manchu has dire plans for all of London, Quatermain, and only you and a crack team of operatives can stop him.
Quatermain: What kind of team did you say?
Campion: Crack.
Quatermain: I'm on the job!
Campion: Very good.
Quatermain: This Doctor, though... what sort of doctor is he?
Campion: He has a Ph.D. in History. His plan is to steal the keys to the library at Cambridge and rewrite the official histories to make us think that we're all under his Emperorship and that Blackpool is on lease to us from Hong Kong.
Quatermain: The Fiend! No, wait, that's me.
Campion: Yes. Quatermain, the next member of your team is a cunning Sea-Captain who pilots an entirely new kind of secret water-craft, the cunning Captain Nemo of the Nautilus.
Quatermain: That Fiend?!?
Campion: No that's you.
Quatermain: Thank you. But how do I get from here to Brighton?
Campion: How did you know he was in Brighton?
Quatermain: Ah, sorry, got ahead in the script.
Campion: Quite all right then.
Quatermain: But how do I get from here to Brighton?
Muffled Moriarty: You said that already.
Quatermain: We're _trying_ to overlook it!
Muffled Moriarty: Thank you.
Campion: Quatermain, you're actually in Brighton now, in an opium shanty on the wharf.
Quatermain: No need to bark.
Campion: Just wake up and go outside and wait, you're only 20 metres from the water already. Go and look if you don't believe me.
Quatermain: Well I don't, frankly.
Sound effect: WHOOSH noise as Quatermain takes off.
Brief Pause, then WHOOSH again.
Quatermain: Od's bodkins!
Campion: You see, I told you so.
Quatermain: Right! I'm off! For Britannia!
Sound effect: WHOOSH!
Muffled Moriarty sings Rule Britannia.
Campion: He fell for it, Moriarty. My cunning plan has been set into action.
Muffled Moriarty: Didn't I mastermind it though?
Campion: No.
Muffled Moriarty: Not even a little?
Campion: Come out and see if you don't believe me.
Muffled Moriarty: I'm lost!
Wally Stott orchestra plays 'changing-scenes' type of music.
Quatermain: Well, here I am, don't see anything yet...
Sound effect: a huge tidal wave noise as Quatermain is washed off the wharf and into the ocean.
Quatermain: Od's bagpipes! What a fantastic water-craft! And you! You must be the cunning Captain Nemo!
Cabin Boy: He's fallen into the wa-tah!
Nemo: No, I'm Nemo, he's just me cabin boy, hurr hurr hurr!
Huge Applause.
Quatermain: Well have him throw me a line, I've fallen into the water.
Nemo: He's a bit small for that, I'll throw you a line.
Quartermain: Please do!
Nemo: 'Do you come here often, sir?'
Quatermain: Oh no that's no good!
Nemo: I'm sorry sir... how about 'What's your sign?'
Quatermain: No, no, I mean can't you throw me a rope?
Nemo: All right sir...
Sound effect: Splash...
Quatermain: I meant for you to hold on to one end, but that's all right, I'll lassooooo the sound effects of me climbing on board and pull myself up.
Appropriate sound effects as Quatermain climbs on board.
Quatermain: Hoorah!
Nemo: I had this card that Mister Campion Bond give me, Sir, to read to you with our next instructions as ter where ter go an what-not.
Quatermain: Right! Read it then, Captain.
Nemo: Well I lost it.
Quatermain: Blast! Well, it can't be helped, just read the impertinent information straight from the script then.
Nemo: It says here we're to proceed to the Transylvanian coast and find Miss Mina Harker and Doctor Henry Jeekle.
Quatermain: Very good!
Nemo: Thank yer, sir, it wasn't easy to pronounce all them words.
Quatermain: But does Transylvania actually HAVE a coast?
Nemo: I wouldn't know about such matters, sir, I've lived me whole life on ther sea.
Quatermain: Very well then! If it turns out that it doesn't have a coast, then I suppose anywhere in Transylvania we can sail to will have to do. Captain, let's get this ship underway!
Nemo: You mean pilot it, sir? You can't.
Quatermain: Well, certainly not, Captain, I wouldn't wish to intrude on your domain.
Nemo: No Sir, I mean neither of us can drive it. I invented it so's it was so easy a child could do it. But me cabin boy's too short to reach the controls!
Quatermain: You mean this ship has never left this pier? Why haven't I seen it before?
Nemo: Well I can do the submergin' and emergin' part meself, sir. That's a bit more complicated.
Quatermain: Hm! Still doesn't explain why I don't remember you building it, I think I've lived here for quite some time...
Nemo: I should think you'd remember, sir, I live in the shanty right next to yours, just look over there if you don't believe me...
Quatermain: I don't wish to know that! So what we need is a child, but one larger than the cabin boy, that shouldn't be hard. We could hold him up to the controls, I suppose, but that seems a lot of trouble...
Nemo: This is an orferly bad neighborhood of the pier, sir; there's not many a youngster foolish enough to come down here...
London Urchin: Hello.
Wild applause, until Quatermain shouts: STOP!
--at which point it cuts off instantly.
London Urchin:"Reads: I am a London Urchin, an impoverished and forgotten creature of London's cruel and dirty streets. Thinks: If only I could throw in my luck with some fellow blighters more cunning and resourceful than myself."
Quatermain: You there boy! How would you like to come and have an exciting adventure working for me?
London Urchin: "Thinks: I must not let this fine gentleman know that he is the answer to my prayers. Speaks: Pardon me gentle sir, but what might my wages be for such a cunning task that is sure to smack of danger and death at every turn?"
Quatermain: Why, the safety and preservation of the British Crown, lad! Britannia forever!!
He and Nemo launch into the first two lines as earlier. Cabin Boy hums along quietly.
London Urchin: Anything else?
Quatermain: How about, urm... half a thruppence every other year and three-fourths of a bob on St. Swithin's Day?
London Urchin: Sir, you flatter me.
Quatermain: I've only one question-- shouldn't you be in London? I thought this was Brighton, not the coast of London... Could that suspicious gentleman and his frog in my dream have been lying to me? That would be almost unbelievable!
London Urchin: But you see I'm having an out-of-London experience sir!
Quatermain: Ah that's all right then! Well then my lad, leap aboard ship! There's no time to waste! The safety of Queen and Country is in peril! Leap! Leap!
Sound Effect: SPLASH!
Cabin Boy: He has fallen into the wa-tah!
Quatermain: Od's hairbrushes! It'll take time to fish that boy out! We'd better step lively with a ditty from Max Geldray on the ship's huge mouth-pipe organ!
Jaunty harmonica interlude, backed up by band.
Sound Effect: Lots of running footsteps.
Quatermain: STOP! Od's boomerangs, we've only got two out of five crack operatives and it's already Act Two! We'd better step a bit livelier than that!
Nemo: The script says that this is the right Transylvanian castle, sir!
Quatermain: RIGHT! I think I hear some voices! This way, quick, into the un-living room!
Lots of running footsteps
Quatermain: STOP!
Mina: Why, hello there, you vital and heart-pumping young man, you!
Wild applause.
Quatermain: I don't wish to know that! Are you Mina Harker, Bride of the Count?
Mina: Why, yes...
Quatermain: And are you Doctor Henry Jeekle?
Sound effect-- a huge cannon explosion.
Jeckyl: Excuse me.
Wild applause.
Jeckyl: I am indeed Major Henry Jeekle.
Quatermain: Doctor?
Jeckyl: Army Doctor, yes.
Quatermain: Oh, well, that's all right then. Er... what war were you in?
Jeckyl: I served in the bloody Zulu wars, my son, cunningly entrenched deep within the protection of our friendly British lines.
Quatermain: Oh, well, that's all right then.
Mina: Didn't you already say that?
Quatermain: Sorry, got lost in the script. Here we go-- "I can tell that our team of crack operatives need have no worry about your qualifications, then, sir!"
Mina: What kind of operatives?
Quatermain: And yourself, madam, I see that you make your home here, in this drafty dreadful castle in which any manner of unspeakable horrors may lurk...
Mina: Yes...
Quatermain: And that your shadow is making rude gestures at me from on the wall...
Mina: No it's not!
Quatermain: Just look over there if you don't believe me! And I can't see your reflection in that mirror on the other side of the room...
Mina: That's not a mirror, it's a painting of you three standing just where you are in this room only everything's reversed.
Nemo: It is?
Mina: Yes, stand still and you'll see.
Nemo, after a pause: You're right miss!!!
Quatermain: AND I ALSO OBSERVE, Miss Harker, that you are not only pale, not only have you not touched your own tea-biscuits, but that you also wear a scarf around your neck as if to hide something! Would you remove it, please!
Mina: I don't see why I should.
Quatermain: Then will you at this time inform me, MISS Harker, of why it is that you have been asked to join this cunning team of crack operatives?
Mina: There's really no special reason.
Long Pause.
Quatermain: ...RIGHT! You're in! Now all that's left is to find our fifth crack member, Griffin, the Invisible Man!
Griffin: I'm right here, mate, you mean the chair with the half-digested tea-biscuit hoverin' over it didn't tip you off?
Quatermain: EXCELLENT! Back to the ship everyone! We're off to the coast of Cambridge!
Sound effects: Lots of running footsteps.
Wally Stott orchestra plays 'changing-scenes' type of music.
Sound effects: Lots of running footsteps.
Quatermain: STOP! Just in time! Drop that Official History, you fiend!
Fu Manchu: I am obliged to remind you that the person in question is most unquestionably yourself, sir.
Quatermain: Thank you! Nevertheless, you must hand over that history at once I say!
Long pause.
Fu Manchu: Might I then enquire how is it sir that you might be planning on making me do as you request?
Quatermain: Crack operatives, attack!
Long pause.
Quatermain: Griffin, are you attacking?
Griffin: Right behind you, mate!
Quatermain: Well then you'd better stop your attack, I'm standing right in front of you. Isn't there anything any of you can do?
Henry: I do have one trick up my sleeve, but I can't be held responsible for the consequences.
Quatermain: Od's barracuda! What might this cunning trick be?!?
Henry: I am the inventor of Doctor Jeekle's Elderly Gentlemen's Get Fit Hormones British Patent number One Trillion and Two, Patented 1888. I can take some, but you'd better be ready to spring into action when I do...
Quatermain: Our time is now! Do your worst, sir!
Sound Effects: Glug glug glug of Henry swallowing.
Henry gives a horrible screech, then...
Hyde: Min! Min! It's me, Min!
Mina: Oh, you old rascal you!
Hyde: Ohhhhh, Min!
Sound effects: lots of loud kissing noises.
London Urchin: This is a very naughty thing!
Nemo: Oh, I kin hardly stand to watch the mushiness, sir!
Quatermain: Ho ho! And the same goes for Fu Manchu! He's averted his eyes to such an extent that he's blinded by good old British woo-pitching! Hail Britainnia!
Everyone, including Fu Manchu, sings the first couple of lines as earlier.
Quatermain: And I've GRABBED THE BOOK! Run, cunning crack team of operatives! Ray Ellington will further baffle the senses of Fu Manchu with his rendition of "Me and My Shadow!"
Sound of lots of running footsteps.
Lively musical Interlude with singer Ray Ellington and the band, which finally fades out to--
Campion: We've done it, Moriarty, Quatermain has delivered unto us the Official History. With a few strokes of my pen, I can make it so that you and I conquered all of Britain and all of its colonies, which as we know covers pretty much everything but Northern Mongolia, in the Spring of 1889, and as long as I keep this book under lock and key here in my office, there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Moriarty: All we'll need do is sit back and wait as it's taught in all the schools, and soon no one will know the difference!
Campion: Needle noddle noo. So, hand me the book, Moriarty.
Moriarty: Which book might that be, Campion?
Campion: The Official History, man, it was here just a moment ago. Did you see where it went?
Moriarty, slowly: Well, I'm not precisely sure about this part, Campion, but I think it might have left with that half-digested Shepard's Pie that left here just a moment or so ago.
Long pause.
Campion: Well, it's curses for us, Moriarty. It would appear that we've been foiled again.
Orchestra: theme song up and under, fading for the announcer--
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Park Cooper, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton.