The Chris Claremont (Mutant) Drinking Game

By Park Cooper

1. This is a drinking game! So play it at home so you don’t have to go drive anywhere later. For 1 to 4 players (yeah, like you’ve got more than 3 friends anyway).

2. Everyone chooses an issue of X-Men/New Mutants/other title with mutants for themselves, which must be written by Chris Claremont. You can choose them from a facedown pile, or just pick any one if you’re playing Solitaire.

3. Everyone takes turns reading their issue page by page. When one of the events on Table X shows up, you take one or more sips of the beverage of your choice.

Winning:

Vanilla Shirley Temple: Non-alcoholic version: Whomever runs out of beverage LAST will be the winner.

Vanilla Shirley Temple Solitaire: Just see how long before you drink all beverages in the house.

Alcoholic: Repeat choosing issues and playing until only one person remains lucid and coherent.

Solitaire Alcoholic: If you remember how your evening ended, I guess you win.

And now:

TABLE X

Take one sip of beverage if there’s a panel in which...:

Storm actively avoids using contractions (can’t becomes cannot or can not, won’t becomes will not, etc)
Madelyne Pryor bores you
Rogue moans about not being able to touch anyone
Scott seems tense
Wolvie mentions being the best there is at what he does
The Phoenix is around
A member of the Hellfire Club (not their minions, and not Worthington) appears, especially Selene
A sentinel appears
Doug feels sorry for himself
Longshot appears
Peter is painting, or trying to
Wolvie go >snikt<
Wolvie says “Bub”
Kurt speaks German
Kitty says “Gosh”, “Golly”, “Cripes”, “Gee”, “Yow”, “Holy Cow”, etc.
The Spelljammers appear
Storm picks a lock
The phrase “Fuzzy-Elf” is mentioned
Peter speaks Russian
It is explained that Wolvie’s bones are unbreakable
Kitty is telling a fairy tale
Karma appears
The psychic link between Rhane and Dani is mentioned
Rogue’s appearance changes as a result of stealing someone’s powers/whatever
Someone travels in time
The word “dimension” is used
Those black lines appear on Rachel’s face
The sound effect “Bamf” appears
Anyone apologizes for anything, even if they're not too sincere

Take two sips if there’s a panel in which...:

A Canadian besides Wolvie appears
Nimrod appears
Xavier wipes someone’s memory
Kulan Gath appears
Lila Cheney appears
Someone dies
Dark Phoenix is around
The Beyonder appears (with his perm)
Psylocke mentions that her Psychic Knife is the focused totality of her psychic powers
Illyana scares someone
Dr. Doom appears
Either of Kitty’s parents appear
Evil Rogue appears
Someone hits a Brood really hard
A New Mutant feels humiliated
Something bounces off of Blob
Someone says any variant of “I got better,” “We got better,” etc.
Someone uses Magneto’s name (Magnus)
The Silver Samurai cuts something
Banshee flies but there’s no sound effect
Someone quotes something
Someone is reading a sci-fi or fantasy novel
Kurt does something Swashbuckly
One or more characters have a moment of emotional bonding

Take three sips if there’s a panel in which...

A redheaded woman dies
Lockheed not only appears but speaks a word/noise
Juggernaut uses the word “unstoppable”
Mesmero is smiling
All five original X-Men appear, even if it’s just a photo
The word “Morlock” is used more than once (the plural, “Morlocks” counts too)
Longshot’s eye glows
Someone uses their superpowers in the same panel as the word “Genosha” is mentioned
Major-Domo gets a line
Catseye gets a line
We see Malice’s cameo
Arcade’s elevator shoes are visible
It is mentioned that X-Men don't kill
Someone currently considered to be an X-Man kills someone (for real, not just tries)
One or more characters have a moment of sexual tension

Take four sips if there’s a panel in which...

Illyana dies
The Micronauts appear
The phrase “Savage Land” appears with one or more exclamation marks behind it
A Dire Wraith appears
We see Kitty wearing her Star of David
A character is naked (includes the goodies covered by clouds, steam, limbs, camera angles, etc)
Any member of the Bratpack appears (you know, the Longshot fan club)
Jubilee actually looks Chinese to the point where no one could mistake her for caucasian
The phrase "hates and fears" appears (word for word)
The word "malcontent" appears

Everyone takes a drink whenever, in anyone’s issue...

The word “mutie” is used