Win Ben Grimm's Money

By Park

Win Ben Grimm's Money
by Park Cooper


BG: Hey dere. This is Ben Grimm, the ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing comin' atcha here with the Stanbot 3000. Say howdy, Stan.

Stanbot: Hey there, True Believers!

BG: Yeah. So's they wuz gonna make this cable channel, right? Superhero TV? Well axe-ually they allreddy done it, but it sucked. It was full of crappy shows like Starman: Lost In Space, The Rosie O'Ccult talk show, Superhero Family Feud, and so on. That's when they decided to let a whole other creative studio in charge of the programming. I was tapped to head th' project, so I decided to personally take a hand in the worst of th' shows--a game show called Win Professor Stein's Money. Let's take a look.

Stanbot: Excelsior!

Short clip-- Firestorm stands at a podium. We see the ghostly head of Martin Stein hovering over his head (must be an amazing camera). Contestants are John Constantine, Star-Spangled Kid and Arsenal. Firestorm says, "Uh, he says to ask you what's the chemical formula for plutonium." Arsenal shrugs. Star-Spangled Kid yawns. John gives Firestorm, then the camera, the two-fingered salute.

Stanbot: 'Nuff said!

BG: No kiddin'. Lotsa physics and chemistry questions. But I fixed alla dat and brought sum excitement ta th' proceed'ns. Let's roll the tape.

Stanbot: By the hoary hosts of Hoggath!

Clip begins:

Voiceover (Johnny Storm): That's right, it's Win Ben Grimm's Money That He Borrowed From Reed, with your host, Ben Grimm!

Ben Grimm, the Thing, emerges to applause.

BG: Spidey-Man, Spidey-Man, does whutever'a spidey can. But when's da last time ya seen a big pile o' orange rocks give away FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS o' his own money whut he borrowed from Reed? Annat's jus' whut I'm doin' today here on:

Audience: Win Ben Grimm's Money!!!

BG: Yer' darn right. So, Johnny, let's meet today's contestants.

Johnny: First up, from the Negative Zone, we've got the explosive wit and wisdom of Blastaar!

Blastaar: ARRRRGH! INDEED, TRULY SHALL I DESTROY YOU TODAY, ORANGE ONE... BUT BEFORE KILLING HALF OF THE ACCURSED FANTASTIC FOUR, I SHALL HUMILIATE YOU ON YOUR OWN NATIONAL VIEWSCREENS BY TAKING YOUR CURRENCY!

Johnny: Uh-huh. Next up, from the very bowels of the earth itself, we have his royal highness, king of the scrawny cave people, the Mole Man!

Mole Man: Moloids! They're called Moloids, Johnny Storm, and you know it... Why I ought to razzn frazzin blind frazzin stick razzin caves frazzin monsters razzin that ever walked the earth or darkened the skies mutter mutter reflexes mutter mutter the surface world mutter.

Johnny: Riiiiight. Finally, last but not rust, we have, the man who put the "terv" in Latervia, Doctor Von Doom!

Doom: Doctor Doom, whelp, just Doctor Doom.

Johnny: But your name IS Von Doom, right? I mean, that Von is part of your last name, right? Your MIDDLE name isn't Von, right?

Doom: Infuriating pup! You shall fall before the armored might... and superior intellect... that is Doom.

Johnny: Mm-hmm, good luck, Doomsie, you'll need it. Okay, Ben, o Rhapsody in Orange, let's go to our first question. As always, Ben will be the final judge of all answers.

Mole Man: He what?

Johnny: First question! Who is or are Ben's greatest foes?

Everyone clicks their buzzers frantically. Doom wins.

Doom: I am!

BG: Nope.

Blastaar: I AM!

BG: Nope.

Mole Man: Ah... ah... uh... Tyrannus?

BG: Sorry dere Moley, the correck answer wuz da Yancy Street Gang. They make youze guys look like chumps.

Blastaar: ARRRRRRRRGH!

Johnny: Next question: What's Ben's favorite brand of cigar?

Blastaar: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

Doom: Havana stogies!

BG: Well I'll be th' Man-Thing's uncle. How'd you do that?

Doom: Fool! Doom lets no detail of his enemies go unstudied.

BG: Well ya shur earned dat one, Doomsie... 50 dollar follow-up question... ya got any on ya?

Doom: Why I... I... well no.

BG: Ooops, ya could'a got 50 more dollars, but instead I'm'a gonna have ta penalize ya back down ta nuttin.

Doom: By Mephisto! The very gall!

BG: Yeah yeah. Hey Johnny it's almost post time fer da ponies at Tribeca... think you ken speed this up a little?

Johnny: Okay, last question--

Mole Man: LAST question?

Johnny: What is Ben's middle initial?

Blastaar clicks in first.

Blastaar: HARR HARRRR! I BEAT YOU TWO! HARRRRRR!

BG: Well, good fer you, Blasty. And... the answer?

Blastaar: ..................WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?

Buzz. The Mole Man manages to beat Doom.

Mole Man: I seem to recall that it's "J".

Doom: Misshappen cur!

BG: Heh heh, looks like Moley wuz too fast fer ya there, Doomsie, too bad.

The other villains walk off, shouting curses and shaking their fists.

BG: Okay, Johnny, you ask Moley th' questions, I'm gonna be in this li'l room over here.

Mole Man: What's that door, an isolation room?

Johnny: Naw, just the restroom.

Mole Man: DOES he NEED to use the restroom? I've always wondered...

Johnny: He goes in with the newspaper, he comes out. I've learned not to ask. You ready?

Mole Man: Yes.

Johnny: Okay. 6 questions, and Ben really doesn't know about these ahead of time. Let's begin. Spider-Man used to drive around in:

Mole Man: A dune buggy.

Johnny: We beat Galactus with:

Mole Man: Ultimate Nullifier.

Johnny: Adam Warlock is known for using:

Mole Man: Soul Gem.

Johnny: Venom's suit came from:

Mole Man: That Secret Wars planet the Beyonder created.

Johnny: Our costumes are made of:

Mole Man: Unstable molecules created by Reed Richards.

Johnny: We defeated Terminus in:

Mole Man: The Savage Land.

Ben emerges.

BG: I'm back. I heard most of it: dune buggy, Nullifier, Soul Gem, Secret Wars, unstable molecules...

Mole Man: Hey!

BG: ...but th' commode drowned out dat last answer. What wuz the question?

Johnny: We defeated Terminus in...

BG: Uh... that musta been when Skulkie took my place fer a while. What was the answer?

Johnny: Savage Land.

BG: Oh right.

Mole Man: Ha ha! I've won!

BG: Yeah, very good, you've won the first two rounds. But since ya only beat me by one point, AND since I'm not about ta let a runt like you walk off wit' Reed's money, I hereby invoke da all-important Clobberin' Round.

Mole Man: The what?

Ben brings a huge fist down on the Mole Man's head, knocking him out.

BG: An' at's alls I wrote. Tune in next time fer Win Ben Grimm's Money Whut He Got From Reed.

End of Clip.

Stanbot: By Ymir's firey beard!

BG: That's right, Stanbot. And that wuz jus' one o' der many fine shows we've got now here on the Superhero channel. We're also havin' Nick Fury at Nite, Illyana the Teenage Witch, Party Of X-Factor In Which X = 5, The X-Man Show and Rom the Dire Wraith Slayer.

Stanbot: Lo, there shall come a hero!

BG: Yeah, and th' Stanbot 3000 here is gonna host the whole shee-bang, I'm just here as a famous celebrity draw. So, tune in, er else. Got it?

Stanbot: Face Front, True Believers! 'Nuff said!