There Shall Come A Great Column (But Not Today)

By Park Cooper

fanboy90: Dude waz up

parkcoopersbc: Gotta write a new column.

fanboy90: Do it on... uh... Marvel. No Ultimate Marvel.

parkcoopersbc: You make me feel old. ...Everyone's having babies nowdays. I think I'll do a children's book called BABY'S FIRST MARVEL.

parkcoopersbc: BABY'S FIRST MARVEL started because Barb likes playing solitare Scrabble. So all sorts of alphabet stuff comes up.

parkcoopersbc: BABY'S FIRST MARVEL will have pleasant pictures of various Marvel stuff....

parkcoopersbc: "P is for PHASE. Kitty PHASED through the wall."
parkcoopersbc: "V is for Voodoo. Everyone makes fun of the Marvel character, Brother Voodoo."

parkcoopersbc: I dunno why they do. They just do. As I recall, a guy's brother dies, and he can summon his ghost to help him fight evil. And when he does, fog rolls in and jungle drums start pounding. Hm. It was fine until the drums. I think that's what's holding him back.

fanboy90: Sounds good, let's do it. A is for... Adam Warlock.

parkcoopersbc: Nah.

fanboy90: A is for... uh... Atom, Children of the?

parkcoopersbc: No.

fanboy90: A is for... El Aguila?

parkcoopersbc: No. Using google to help you is cheating.

fanboy90: A is for Angel?

parkcoopersbc: Ehnh. They'll open the first page and think they wandered into a Christian Bookstore.

fanboy90: A is for Apocalypse?

parkcoopersbc: Yes, that's a good children's book. A is for Apocalypse. Now it's the book of Revelations for toddlers.

fanboy90: A is for Abomination?

parkcoopersbc: ...

parkcoopersbc: Oh yeah, that's it, A is for Abomination. Just call it A is for Antichrist.

fanboy90: You mean that Damon Hellstorm guy. The Son of Satan.

parkcoopersbc: ...You make me feel old. I can remember when his last name was spelled Hellstrom.

fanboy90: Dude, what do you want me to do. Maybe the Marvel Universe just isn't for kids.

parkcoopersbc: That's a brilliant soundbite -- we'll have to put it on the back cover. "Maybe the Marvel Universe just isn't for kids."

fanboy90: Uh-oh. I just remembered. They made this book already.

parkcoopersbc: They did?

fanboy90: Yeah, The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe.

parkcoopersbc: Oh yeah. TOHOTMU. Silly me.

parkcoopersbc: I first read it in the second edition, in 1989. It was amazing to have a mag about the Marvel Universe that took more than four or five minutes to read.

fanboy90: Dude I wasn't even born then

parkcoopersbc: ...You make me feel old.

fanboy90: Have you been following DC these days

parkcoopersbc: Uh, I read in Brandon's column that Catwoman's pregnant, and Dick proposed to Barbara Gordon...

fanboy90: Sounds like someone needs to propose to Selina Kyle ha ha

parkcoopersbc: Yeah, how dare she mock the importance of fathers

fanboy90: What?

parkcoopersbc: Murphy Brown reference, never mind

fanboy90: Before my time

parkcoopersbc: I KNOW

fanboy90: Here's something from Lying in the Gutters: "I hear that the second issue of the Small Gods miniseries has been canceled due to low sales."

fanboy90: And the Small Gods forum appears to have been removed…

parkcoopersbc: "Gee, good thing we aren't with that publisher, sounds like their sales are low. Wonder how long it'll be before that publisher goes the way of CrossGen or Speakeasy...?"

fanboy90: Dude... it was with Image

parkcoopersbc: I KNOW... that's my point... See, that's what people would say nowdays about almost any newish publisher. Which is crap. It shows that people seem to be expecting publishers to fail now, like "What's the next big Washington scandal gonna be?" Like they're really saying "you know it's gonna happen again any minute now."

fanboy90: Uh... so?

parkcoopersbc: ...

parkcoopersbc: So it's wrong because it suggests that the curse of Tutenkhamen is somehow on indie publishers, when the truth is that the way it's managed counts for something! And for that matter, what books they're putting out counts too!

fanboy90: So you're saying that Washington is putting out bad comics?

parkcoopersbc: In this analogy, yes. Except from what I've read, CrossGen was just about how everyone used the corporate credit card all they wanted, gettin' while the gettin' was good. That's an issue with, well, even being so big that you HAVE a corporate credit account, I guess. But that's surprisingly related to my point. It's like saying that since Enron was corrupt and crashed, that all American companies are corrupt and will crash.

fanboy90: Don't get me started.

parkcoopersbc: Oh, you. You've been reading too much Invisibles. Did I ever tell you about my Kids Next Door/Invisibles theory?

fanboy90: Yes

parkcoopersbc: Oh, heard that one, yes? It's just, there's a bald English leader with shades, a dorky blond kid, a tough African-American girl, a sweet natured one with long dark hair...

fanboy90: That's just silly man.

parkcoopersbc: I bet Warburton read Invisibles though.

fanboy90: You said that last time. I would like a pic of Numbah 1 as Spider Jerusalem though.

parkcoopersbc: Did you learn nothing from "Magical Truthseeking Spidey" or whatever that was? Speaking of DC, you know they package toys in Spanish too, sometimes, for sales near the border and doubtless south of the border. But did you know that in other countries, his name isn't Bruce Wayne?

fanboy90: It's not?

parkcoopersbc: No. In Mexico he's BRUNO DIAZ of CUIDAD GOTICA.

fanboy90: Dude that is a billion times better than Bruce Wayne

parkcoopersbc: I KNOW. Man, I wish I was Bruno Diaz of Cuidad Gotica.

fanboy90: Man, Bruno Diaz... you know he must get ALL the girls.

parkcoopersbc: Bruno Diaz can get all of whatever he might want, man. Cuidad Gotica is just that kind of Cuidad.

fanboy90: You were saying a while back that you couldn't make an OnStar joke in Batman because it would be too silly but Oracle made one in War Games.

parkcoopersbc: What? What a product placement. But did she really call it OnStar, or did they change the name a little?

fanboy90: OnStar. I've got it right here.

parkcoopersbc: You bought War Games?

fanboy90: No I found it at the library I got no War Games cooties...

parkcoopersbc: Oh okay. Yeah, there's no face lost in reading any comic you don't pay for.

fanboy90: There should be a funny joke in there about webcomics

parkcoopersbc: I see what you mean, but I dunno what it would be...

fanboy90: So you got nuthin for yer next column.

parkcoopersbc: Looks that way. Barb said a brilliant thing the other day about the Meiji Era in Rurouni Kenshin being just like Iraq... peace has supposedly been declared, but the country is crawling with insurgents... But I can't really make a whole column out of it. Guess I better go interview some more people...



































































































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