The Looney Bin: “Interview Month (Pt. 3 of 4)”

WARNING:

This week’s TLB with Brian Azzarello features strong language, adult content, and something that might resemble a breast. Reader discretion is advised. The editors here at SBC feel that we should warn anyone before reading this interview. It’s vulgar, it’s disgusting, and it’s probably going to offend someone out there. If you’re afraid that person could be you, please go here instead. You’ve been warned.

[Ed's Note: This is a work of fiction. No creators participated in this interview.]

Hello, and welcome again to The Looney Bin. All this month I’ve been meeting up with top comic book creators and asking the questions most people wouldn’t. So far it’s been rather fun, and no one has been hurt. All that changed earlier today when I sat down with comic scribe Brian Azzarello. As I write this introduction, the kind Dr. Felshk is putting stitches in my eyebrow. Which, somehow, reminds me that I’ve got a reconstruction dentist appointment tomorrow. Okay, Dr. Felshk is going to try to open my left eye, so let’s get to the interview.

TLB: Good afternoon, Brian, and thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to join me.

BA: No problem. You did get the requested guidelines from DC, right?

TLB: Yeah, yeah I got that. Okay, so let’s start with a simple question, how excited are you to be working on Superman?

BA: I don’t know. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know Superman is a classic character that some people would die to write stories for, but that’s not me. I’m a writer, it’s my job to write. As long as I can tell a good story, I don’t really care who the character is.

TLB: So, you’re saying it’s all about the money?

BA: Watch it, you’re starting to get away from the guidelines.

TLB: A question that actually appears in your guidelines, how do you write “street” dialect so well?

BA: First, I don’t believe that question is on the guidelines, but whatever. It’s just something that comes natural to me. I actually get that question a lot. It’s from growing up in the ‘hood.

TLB: I think you might get asked that a lot, because it is in the guidelines from DC. Look.

BA: That must be a typo, just let it go.

TLB: Sorry. Continuing: you reached a very good status with your book 100 Bullets, how has that changed your life?

BA: Easy, I’m getting to work with high profile characters. Which means, I’m getting a lot more exposure than 100 Bullets alone could bring me. Exposure is good, it allows me to be myself on whatever I write. That’s what a writer dreams of.

TLB: I see. That exposure has allowed you, and your partner in crime Eduardo Risso, to work on Batman. When that announcement was made, a lot of your fans claimed you were selling out, because you were following Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee, the two most mainstream comic creators of our generation. Do you feel as though you’ve sold out the “underground” scene?

BA: No, I don’t. Batman is a dark character, which fits my writing style. Jeph and Jim had a great run, and ours will hopefully do just as well. I don’t consider writing Batman after those two selling out, I consider it a great chance to tell a good story for a good character.

TLB: Amazing how you kept a straight face during that. You rode their wave, which was an over rated wave anyway. Now, DC is taking the two best things to happen to Batman in years, and sending them over to Superman. I mean come on, you’re working with the biggest artist in comics and the biggest character in comics. You sold out.

BA: You need to watch your fucking mouth. I let you step off those guidelines, but you’ve taken it too fucking far.

TLB: I’m just saying, you are a great writer, but at least own up when you go mainstream.

BA: I’m not fucking mainstream, dick, I’m a writer. I write comics, there is no such thing as mainstream.

TLB: No need to get all tense, Brian. Superman isn’t a comic these days, he’s an icon. You are writing for a symbol of America, and you’re trying to play it off. Once Shaq puts the fucking S on everything he owns, it’s no longer a character, it’s a corporate symbol of greed! Admit it, you’re a corporate whore.

BA: Alright, bitch, I let this go on too long. One more stupid ass remark and you’re a dead man.

TLB: I’m just trying to help you come to terms with this. You try to act too cool for a web site, saying you’re just a writer not a salesman, then you work on Batman and Superman. Not only that, but who else needs their corporate sponsors to send over a set of guidelines for an interview. That’s something guilty celebrities do. Just give up the…OH GOD MY EYE!

BA: That’s right, keep running your mouth and I’ll knock your damn teeth in.

TLB: You want to fight now? Fine then, bring it, bitch!

SFX: THUDD! SPLAT!

TLB: Holy shit, you even make fucking sound effects when you hit!

BA: Shut your silly ass up!

SFX: CRACK!

TLB: Awright, dis intaview if ofa. Peas call an ambuence.

BA: Fuck off, call your own ambulance, you fucking fag!

As you can see, I got my ass beat royally. Oh well, it was a great interview. I’m just about done here at Mid-County Regional, and am under heavy medication. So, I’ll see you all next week to wrap up interview month. Peace.

The Looney Bin is a fictional column, and is intended for entertainment purposes only. Like you actually needed to be told that.

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