The Looney Bin: “Dark Knight Speaks”
By Zach S.
Whether you care to believe it or not, I am real. Many of this city’s cops and politicians are already aware of this, yet I still remain some what of an urban legend. This has worked out quite well for me for the past several years, that I am a tad reluctant to even write this letter. However, due to rumors that have been circulating for awhile now, I am forced to take time out from protecting innocent citizens, to protect another innocent. It has been said in every faucet of the media, that there is something more between myself, Batman, and my sidekick Robin. Something more than the desire to clean up the city of Gotham; something more than the dedication to serve the people of Gotham where they have been failed so many times before. There is not. My young companion and I only wish to rectify the city of Gotham, so that its citizen’s may live a life without fear. It seems that our efforts have been met with nothing but spite and ill content. The city of Gotham has turned us from the dedicated crime fighters we are, into the front page of the city’s gossip paper. It is neither our desire nor our wish to be made into celebrities. We do not dawn our costumes night after night for fame and the decadence that it brings. No, we struggle through the hardships of being this city’s protectors so that you, the people, may sleep easier. Yet, we are mocked. Not only by the media machine, but by the very people we wish to save.
I pride myself on being a well-educated man, but I fail to see the reasoning behind our negative treatment. I am in no way saying that being homosexual is wrong, but one’s sexual preference should not come into the work place. That said, the only reason I take the time to write this letter, is because of what this rumor is doing to the effect we have on criminals. They find us less intimidating, and take us less serious. Still, the sight of a giant bat swooping down from the rooftops scares the hell out of them, but then the initial fear wilts and they begin to believe they can fight me. This is where I wish to apologize to the local hospitals. I am terribly sorry for the increased amounts of broken and bruised criminals that myself and Robin have sent to you. If not for this asinine rumor, hospitals wouldn’t be so crowded, and more criminals would be where they belong: the jail rather than the emergency room. This rumor doesn’t just hurt the criminals, it hurts us as well. I’d like to believe that we are doing the city good, then I turn on my television and I see cartoons that portray us as sexually confused dullards.
Further following the path of destruction this rumor is creating, we wind up with Robin. As those who believe we exist know, Robin is a teenager. He’s at a very sensitive time in his life, and hearing these rumors from every angle is detrimental to the boy. Many may say that allowing Robin to be Robin is detrimental to him, but he holds his own quite well. However, if I cannot understand why we are mocked, how can he? Robin has a hard enough time getting close to people without the media telling him he’s homosexual. Like many boys his age, he is still confused about who he is and what he will become. The only thing he knows for certain is that he loves to help make Gotham a safer place for now and for our future. He sees and hears the same things I do, and for him it hurts just a little more because of his age. Robin is like a son to me, and hearing people talk negatively of one’s child is the worse thing any parent could experience. Imagine how Robin’s real parents must feel. Not only must they worry whether or not their boy is coming home at night, but while he’s out and they watch the news, they must bear witness to false statements of the man they entrust their child with.
I like to be perceived as a monster, it helps scare criminals, but you turn me into the same monsters I try to take off the streets. You, the media, would have the people of Gotham think of me as a pedophile, which I am not. I have no sexual feelings for Robin, or any other child. That goes for Robin as well. Our relationship is parallel to that of cops. We are partners in the war against crime. We are not romantic partners moonlighting as crime fighters. We are citizens just like you, who wish to take back the streets of Gotham. Nothing more, and certainly, nothing less. Again, this letter is not meant to discredit the homosexual community of Gotham. Your sexual preferences are your business, and we try to protect you the same as we try to protect everyone. Batman and Robin are equal opportunity crime fighters. I bid you good night, and to the criminals, beware my wrath. Know that I am real, and that I see all.
P.S. If you happen to see me, please refrain from saying “Pow” and “Bam.” I really don’t understand this at all.
Batman created by Bob Kane. All characters are property of DC Comics. This column is intended as a spoof, and nothing more. So, please don’t sue me DC.
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