The Looney Bin: “New Year’s Resolutions”

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In the spirit of the New Year and my new column, I've decided to post some of comics’ top creators’ resolutions. These are people who, month after month, deliver awe inspiring work. So, seeing what they want to do to improve is a bit of a shell shock. How could they get any better? Here's hoping for a Happy New Year.

Brian Michael Bendis: I resolve that this year, two thousand and four AD, I will completely take over Marvel Comics. Not just the "Ultimate Marvel" line, but to write - even draw - every comic Marvel will publish. I should probably have that accomplished by September, so then I can begin to take over the Marvel editorial staff. I'll start off editing my own books in the "Ultimate" line, then I'll branch out to all the other books. By the end of the year, I should be ready to become Stan Lee. Also, I know this is a bit much, but hear me out; I will stop making my dialogue so long. I will condense the amount of words I have my letterer shove into the little dialogue balloons. This will help not only the letterer, but the artist as well. Both of my resolutions should be fairly easy to accomplish. I've managed to actually shorten this written resolution from its original 8 pages. Happy New Year.

Chuck Austen: For the new year, my resolution is simple: to thwart Brian Michael Bendis's plan, and claim Marvel as my own. Unlike Brian, I don't wish to write every book at Marvel, just the X titles. By doing this, I can create the largest "soap opera" X-arc ever. That's all.

Mark Bagley: I resolve to stop making all the female characters in "Ultimate Spider-Man" look the same. In fact, to stop making everybody look the same.

Nick Barrucci: For this amazingly exciting year ahead of us, I resolve to stop going on the Home Shopping Network and making a total ass of myself and other comic book fans and professionals. However, this does not mean that DF is going to stop selling fantastic collectibles at incredible prices. I just won’t annoy the piss out of anyone on HSN. I’ll get Rich Johnston to do it instead.

Mark Millar: This year, I’ll try not to be such a bollock. I’ll try to get over myself, and maybe, if I feel up to it, I’ll meet some deadlines with “The Ultimates.” This, by no means, is a bloody promise. I’m far too educated a man for trivial nonsense like New Year’s Resolutions. So, piss off. BUY MY STUFF!

Paul Levitz: 2003 has been a great here for us at DC, so in the year to come we wish to continue that trend. However, for 2004, my resolution is to win over Marvel every month. Not just win, but beat them like they stole something.

Aaron McGruder: I’m not making a resolution ‘til B.E.T resolves to stop showing crap!

Joe Quesada: For the New Year, I’ll resolve to draw more. Now that Bill’s out, I don’t have to freak so much about being EIC, so now I’ll concentrate on my greatest asset, illustrating. Especially DD.

Dan Buckley: Not only is it a New Year, but a New Era for Marvel. I resolve to clean up the mess made by Jemas. I’ve already done a good job by giving Epic, Tsunami and Doran the deep six. That alone should hold me over for this year. Though, I’m sure I can find better ways to improve Marvel. For some reason, I feel that Brian Michael Bendis needs more writing chores. Strange.

Steve Niles: Try to regain my credibility after teaming with Rob Zombie to make comics. That, and maybe try to write something other than horror. I’ve always wanted to write a love triangle story featuring zombies. That’s not half bad.

Avi Arad: For the year ahead, I have resolved to ruin many more Marvel characters in the name of the dollar. You thought The Hulk and Daredevil were bad, wait until you see the sequels. Hey, Punisher comes out this year, I promise that one is good. Also, Spider-Man 2 opens, it will be just as awesome as the first one. No, better. No, better than better. Send more money!

Beau Smith: I resolve to continue to stomp the hell outta any silly pansy ass British writers who happen to cross my path.

Jeph Loeb: In the New Year, I resolve to stretch out my stories even further. Instead of taking a whole year or more to tell a half-ass tale, I’ll take three or four. This way, I’ll make bigger bank, and see my name in message boards more. Fans love long story arcs that don’t move for months at a time.

Garth Ennis: Bloody New Year’s resolutions. Fuck, I resolve to continue to piss on super-heroes and their pre-teen homoerotic fantasies. Punisher MAX will be the nail in the coffin for super heroes everywhere.

Igor Kordey: This New Year, I resolve to learn how to draw and to stop butchering the hell out of the X-Men. I’ll also give a formal lesson on how to break into comics when you obviously can’t draw.

Kevin Smith: For the superlative year that’s ahead, I promise to actually finish a…oooooh Ben Affleck and cake.

Well, that’ll wrap up the first installment of The Looney Bin, the only online comic column that can make you weak in the knees. If you’d like to receive an e-mail every week to remind you to check out this column, follow this link. How many other columns have their own mailing list? Huh? That’s what I thought. Alright, well I’m ‘bout to jet. Happy New Year everybody.

Zack S.
The Looney List

Any similarity between names referenced in this column and people living or dead is purely intentional…er…coincidental.

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