The Good, The Bad, And This Kid: "Life's Little Lessons"

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As I’m nearing two decades on this little place we call Earth, I can’t help but think of all the things I’ve learned along my way. Life is constructed of many minute moments that forever change one’s perspective on the world. Some moments in life; however, aren’t as little. They stick out at you as you walk down your memories, forever reminding you of the person you truly are. No matter what you do, you’ll never be able to completely free yourself from the absolute power that they hold over you. So, I was thinking, since I can’t set it and forget it, why not write them all down and psychoanalyze myself right here, for your viewing pleasure. I mean, what could be more fun? Okay, so there are a lot of things that hold more interest, but I don’t want to hear about those right now please. Thank you.

So, what follows is a list of things that I’ve learned the hard way. They are events that have either happened to myself or someone else. Also, one other note, these events are in no order, at all. They are merely written as they come to me, not chronological, not alphabetical, and not by importance. By doing this, I am breaking just about every idiom known to the American paragraph structure. That was my warning, if you are a grammar teacher, especially if you were my grammar teacher, don’t worry I do know how a paragraph should be set up, I’m just really lazy. Though, if you were not part of the American educational process, then you’ll have no probably with the way this goes. Without any further ado, I give to you, my list of lessons.

Just because you share many of the same personality traits as Colin Farrell, doesn’t mean you are Colin Farrell.

It’s never a good idea to try to pick up “chicks” at 2 in the morning in your ’94 Pontiac Sunbird. Nor is it a good idea to try to out run their boyfriends in you Sunbird while they drive anything else with wheels.

When someone says, “Stop talking with that fucking fake accent, or I’ll kick your ass,” it’s usually in your best interest to heed their request.

If you’re in trouble with the law, and the cop’s name is Officer Santa, do not make it a point to mention elves or reindeer at anytime during the questioning. Also, if the time comes when he has to read you your rights, when he asks if you understand, don’t turn the question around and ask him if he’d like some milk and cookies.

If you’re hanging out with the guys, and one of them giggles and you find yourself oddly comfortable with it, it’s all right. All it means is that you enjoy the sound of a giggle.

When you’re twelve and someone has you tied to a chair and is asking you for stock options, it’s acceptable to call them crazy, your parents will understand.

Sadly, there comes a time when you must stop wearing your Superman underwear on your head. That time is usually around the age of 8 or so, if you’re still doing this into your teen years, you should seek help. Spider-Man underwear is different.

If you find yourself having a Fiver-like vision, it’s best to keep it to yourself and not bog down your friends with it.

The old adage, “The early bird gets the worm,” is really just meant to make you feel bad for sleeping in. Don’t let it bother you if you sleep in and people get upset, they’re just jealous.

If you’re in bed late at night and you hear a noise followed my creepy danger music, leave it alone. Do not go investigate, and do not dress like a giant bat in an attempt to scare away the noise.

The girl scouts outside the drugstore trying to sell you cookies, are not out to steal your soul. Refrain from taking violent action against them, they really are just trying to raise money.

Those would have to be the most important lessons I could pass on to anyone. These are the things I someday hope to teach my kid, and then hope that child services doesn’t see it necessary to take my kid away. I hope this little list was helpful to some of you out there, if I can help just one person, then I know that there are some seriously messed up people in the world.

The Good

This will probably be the only time that my selection of a book worth reading ties in with the actually topic of the column. The other night myself and Mary went down to the local comic shop, this is one of the only times we’ve went when it wasn’t new comic day. Anyway, we were looking at all the Graphic Novels that the store carries, which is a lot, and something caught my eye. It’s a book by Jason, and published by Fantagraphics called, “SSHHHH!” After reading the reviews on the back, I was sucked in. It’s a “silent” comic that depicts the sad life of an anthropomorphic crow. Chapters 1 & 3 are, in my opinion, the most impactive. They deal with lost love and the parenthood process, and the simplistic art carries more emotion than any words could. Those are the two most straightforward chapters, then there are chapters like number two, which are very much open for debate. Mary and I both put our two cents in regarding number two, but the ending of the chapter just throws it completely. Anyway, “SSHHHH!” is a wonderful ode to the tribulations of life, and is definitely worth checking out.

That does it for me this week. Until next time…

-Josh Stone

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