Interview Me (Part 2)...

By Tony Lee

So last week I explained how I'd asked people in the comics industry to send me questions, things that I wouldn't usually be expected to answer in a normal interview. I expected some amusing ones, but not the extent of politically incorrect ones that turned up in my inbox from my deviant friends.

And so we've waded through half of them, and the second half is this week. Next week I answer a few questions from you, the fans before I move onto my pre- San Diego disciplines...

So. Let's get right to it, and pull this bandage off. It seemed like such a good idea at the time...

Kieron Gillen is the brains behind Busted Wonder, Phonogram, a Warhammer from BOOM! Studios and an upcoming Marvel Universal book. He's also a respected music and games journalist. And the last time I saw him, he had a beard that even Alan Moore should fear...

"Okay—I'm tempted to do a genuinely nasty one for any writer to answer, in a way which is mean: What job do you wish you'd never taken? But that's against the spirit of the exercise: What's the most pornographic pitch idea you've ever had for a major character?"

I'll answer both of these—because they're both worthy questions and I swore not to back down. The Job I wish that I'd never taken was a work for hire story for Markosia back in 2005 called Brothers—The Fall of Lucifer'. Sam Hart and I, fresh from Starship Troopers, were convinced that adapting this book by noted Christian Wendy Alec would be a great thing, would sell millions in Christian bookstores across the world and all that. And of course we'd get paid.

The book wasn't very good; apparently it was based on Wendy's own visions. Which is cool and all that. What wasn't cool was that Wendy and her husband Rory had no clue whatsoever on how to write a comic, and they kept micromanaging the book. As it was, we had to cut parts purely to keep to a 220 page 10 issue format, each one of course with a cliff-hanger, but no, we were constantly being told to tweak this, alter that, etc. And poor bloody Sam was getting edits even after colours were done that certain expressions were just not quite right, without any idea on why they weren't.

One issue came out. I think the second was drawn, I know that five were scripted before the comic was put on hold. Personally, I did a bloody good job on it, but I hated every minute of it.

Actually, I have to say that all that aside, this isn't really an answer to the question because as nightmare as it was, I'm glad I took it. Because it showed me that I was a better writer than I thought I was.

Now. What's the most pornographic pitch idea I've ever had for a major character? I once threw out an S&M Batman/Wonder Woman scene in a bar at San Diego a couple of years back in one of those drunken writer pissing contests that conventions encourage. It was pretty graphic, and pretty much word for word what I ended up using a couple of years later in MILF Magnet, the Moonstone parody that I wrote for Moonstone last year (out in January 09, kiddies). The thought of Batman being anally violated by Diana Prince wasn't one of my best moments...

Frazer Irving wears hats. A lot of them. He even told me the best place to get a hat last San Diego. He's also one of the most talented artists I know— and I know a lot of talented artists...

"Do you think that having a fifteen year old girlfriend is appropriate for a man of your years?"

Now this, once again is a scandalous rumour put across by the international press. I don't have a fifteen year old girlfriend—she's in her mid twenties, thank you very much.

I have a Thai Internet Bride called Phuku who's fifteen though. Or is it fourteen? You can't really tell to be honest; her birth certificate is made from leaves and crayon. She's a hard worker though. My car's never been so clean!*

Dean Haspiel is comics' Mister Sex. He oozes testosterone like other men breathe. He's one of the originators of Act-I-Vate, is doing The Alcoholic for Vertigo and Billy Dogma for Image among other things.

"If you could have sex with any female and male cartoonist, who would they be?"

I'm noting a theme here, guys.

Hmm. Any female cartoonist? I'm not sure. Mainly as there are so many beautiful women out there in comics these days, especially with the influx of so many female Manga artists out there. So I could never narrow it down to one. Apart from that Jazan Wild chick.

(This is also to save the embarrassment of various female cartoonists that I've drunkenly sharked at over the years...)

As for men? It's you all the way, Dino. Mm mmm mmm.

(See what I did there? I made sure that my girlfriend (who I love lots, snuggles baby) doesn't beat the living shit out of me when she reads this. Go me!)

Andy Schmidt is an Ex-Marvel editor and now Marvel writer. He is also the newly appointed Senior Editor for IDW and runs a variety of comic writing courses throughout the year. He's also a great person to go for a beer with. Honestly, try it out. Go buy him a beer.

"Tony, how many hits of acid does it take to produce a Doctor Who script that reads like a Doctor Who script?"

Scarily, none at all. Of course now I know you're my new Doctor Who editor, I will make sure I take it at every opportunity.

The joys of writing a Doctor Who script are that you have to literally become the Doctor to make it work. You find yourself talking like him, adapting his mannerisms into the daily routine. You start things with 'Well...' lots. You never sit still.

I find when I write Doctor Who, I do it both seated and standing. I have to pace while dialoguing the Doctor. I drink Red Bull and eat chocolate and ramp myself up to do it. If you're relaxed and chilled? Don't even bother to write anything to do with Doctor Who. You have to work at it.

When I was a teenager I wrote fanfic Doctor Who stories. I was whacked out on E numbers and sugar and some of these things were some fucked up ideas. So of course I use them now. Because children get Doctor Who. Adults whine and bitch that there were major plot holes, but that's the point. It's not for us, it's for our kids. And as soon as we realise that, we'll realise that a good script doesn't need to answer everything.

Growing up with the Doctor was my LSD, baby.

Lee 'Budgie' Barnett is the brains behind Hypotheticals with Dave Gibbons. He's also a one-time writer in his own right, having written for Radio 4 andX-Men Unlimited...

"What lie would you like people to believe about you when they hear it? And what lie about you do most people believe about you when they hear it? And one absolute bastard of a question: if you pitch for a writing gig... and don't get it, what do you usually think is the reason?"

What lie would I like people to believe? That I'm the next big thing. What lie do most people believe about me? That I'm this brash arrogant media whore writer that would sell his mother for a pitch. I'm actually terribly shy in certain situations—I've become very adapt at places like SDCC of standing at a bar with a phone to my ear pretending to be on the phone, because I don't know anyone in the bar and the people I do recognise, I'm too shy to walk over and say hi. Seriously.

I learned at an early age that to get somewhere you have to get noticed. And to get noticed, you have to be noticed. And people who are noticeable? Are the louder, more visible ones.

And so the first few years of my comic's career, I pushed myself out there. The buzzword for me was 'Tony Lee—yeah I know him—never read any of his stuff, though.'

Of course, after a while this actually becomes detrimental to a writer, people start to believe the myth, you stop being considered as a seriously credible option and you become part of that 'yeah, he's fun at parties—but outside of that? Sheesh! ' gang.

A year ago I stopped the branding. I posted a long message about this and then changed my branding over the following months. And the bulk of the people out there now know me better for what I am, as this version of Tony Lee that writes these words right here still isn't the real me—we all wear masks and I have a fucking cupboard of them—but it's the closest to me that you'll see in a long time.

So if you see me on a phone, alone in a crowded bar? Come and say hi.

And if I don't get a writing gig? I usually believe it's because I wasn't good enough.

Larry Young IS comics. The publisher of AiT/PlanetLar and a writer in his own right, Larry has helped me with books countless times, and is the publisher (next year) of Dodge & Twist...

"Is it true you once killed two birds with one stone? And, if so, what did their boyfriends think of that?"

Nothing. I killed them both with the second one. I always carry two stones with me for that exact purpose.

It should be the law.

Michael Wright is an editor at DC, currently focusing more on the promotional side of things. A killer musician as well, his band Skelter often rock the rafters wherever they go.

"Isn't measuring one's weight in stones a bit inexact and, well, arbitrary?"

No, you luddite Americans just don't get the joy that we have working out a system for weights that goes totally against our decimal monetary system. Pounds, Stones, they sound much better than Kilos or Grams. And if you're say thirteen STONE? You feel solid, as if you're really there.

Pah. Americans and your sensible weight measuring ideas.

Emma Vieceli is Manga's Mrs Sex. An incredibly talented writer and artist and ex-television presenter, her booth at conventions always has a queue. Of teenage boys, all red faced and embarrassed...

"Rumours have been abounding for years that your creative abilities are actually the fortunate side effect of experiments run on you during an alien abduction in your youth. Is it true? And if so—are the aliens available to hire?"

They say that they were aliens, but I don't know—do three teenagers in rubber Admiral Ackbar masks count as alien abduction? I'm not sure. They were very nice though, they gave me lemonade.

Can you hire them? I believe they can be found at most bondage sites online.

Neil Kleid is an annoyingly talented writer whose recent works include Ursa Minors (now available as a trade) and the incredible Brownsville, which I shall pimp until the day I die...

"Remember that time in Brooklyn? A certain shoe store... a certain salesman? Any idea what we did with that guy's wallet and shoes because I went back and had to dig him up and for the life of me, I have no idea where we put them!"

You wore the shoes as you thought that spats on leather winkle-pickers made you look more manly.

You used the wallet to buy hookers and booze. I think you dumped it in the same bin that you were throwing up in that night.

I think we're safe. Just dump the shoes. They really don't make you look more manly, you know.

Lee Nordling is the President of The Pack and was the Executive Editor of the Platinum Studios Comic Book Department for six years. Before that, he's worked at both Disney publishing and DC Comics. He's also worked in the industry as an art director, writer, cartoonist and packager as well as writing the 1995 book Your Career in the Comics. He's been around a while.

"Why do our best known creators come from work-made-for-hire, when the best known creators of music, prose, fine art, and playwriting come from personal authorship?"

Actually, I'd argue this point. Many of our greatest composers, writers and artists were work for hire—they just called them commissions. A playwright had to have a patron, someone who they effectively wrote for, so even when they were writing amazing things, they never really owned them at the time.

Remember Mozart? Died a pauper.

Artists, writers, creators of any type need to eat. And as such they will take corporate commissions, whether it's for royalty, Kings, Queens, whatever—or a company. Many of our greatest artists started off in studios doing grunt work, many of our finest novelists started as journalists or PR merchants, writing pieces for other companies. Advertising boards, TV and radio adverts, all these things add up. Andy Warhol was a magazine illustrations artist before he hit the big time. Alfons Mucha's most famous Art Nouveau prints were posters for Sarah Bernhardt's theatre performances.

I think the difference in comics is that we see the work for hire as well as the creator owned. It's all in the same shop, side by side on the same shelf. There are a lot of people that come into comics this route, they start writing for characters on a work for hire basis, but then they'll have the story they've always wanted to write finally come out elsewhere. But that said, many people these days are going the other route, self promoting their own product, taking personal ownership and gaining such a cult response that they find themselves breaking into the work for hire arena by these items.

But—why do the best known creators come from work for hire? Because nobody buys the personal stuff.

And I don't mean that literally nobody buys it, of course people do—but when a large chunk of small press, even Image creators make no money from their print properties and are lucky to break 4, 5k in sales figures while a Marvel or DC big name book is hitting the hundreds of thousands? Of course people are going to know those latter names better. But it's a sliding scale as well, it's not just a known or not known.

Hope Falls didn't break 4k at all in its run. But you know what? It's still the best five parter I ever wrote. And that's why I wrote it. Not to see it do great (although that would have been nice)—but to get it out there. Get it read.

But simply? In comics? Work for hire creators are better known because more people read their books.

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And that's the end of this week's column—over two and a half thousand words! Next week I promise to talk more about San Diego and, well, comics and stuff. Until next week!

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© 2008, Tony Lee

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