Why I Am Awesome...

By Tony Lee

[Comics Bulletin Editor's note – The words, thoughts, impressions and opinions stated in this week's column are purely those of the columnist and not those of Comics Bulletin. Believe us, we wouldn't write the things said in this week's column. And we're sure as hell not taking credit for Tony's deranged ramblings this week. I mean, we thought he was doing fine, that the meds had kicked in – the last few columns have been almost lucid, for crying out loud – but this week he's totally gone off the rails. He was always a few eggs short of a box? But this week he's taken that box and thrown it out of the pram. Anyway, I'm rambling. Hi, how are you. I'm Ricky, the Comics Bulletin intern. They make me read this for death threats against editors and such like before passing it to Jason Sacks and Jason Brice for final decisions on whether it's child friendly enough to be printed. Often we have to edit. An average two thousand word column? Stars as FIVE. I shit you not. Much of it is all ‘All work and no play makes Jack a fucked up psychopath' repeated constantly, but occasionally Tony has a few moments where he actually makes sense. Anyway, this week? All bets are off. We're sorry. But we're making damned sure we're distancing ourselves. You've been warned.]

I am AWESOME.

No really, I am. And I mean that I am awesome in the full sense of the word, that I inspire awe in those around me. For I am a Golden God of Awesomeness and the world will bow before my feet.

I know, the word awesome has been diluted recently – in the olden days something that inspired awe would be something of great magnitude, like a lightning storm above your head, an incredibly designed cathedral, or me, if I had lived back then. And now? It's become slang, mainly American for most things that are great. Like ‘that's an awesome hot dog'. Nevertheless it still fits me, for I am indeed great. I am indeed an ‘awesome hotdog' of writing greatness.

I wouldn't say something crass like ‘I am the greatest writer of comics ever in the world ever', because that would be crass. I mean, there have been some incredible greats out there in the last however many years comics have been going. I don't know how many years comics have been going, that involves research and I'm too awesome to bother doing that. So let's say that comics have been around for what, fifty years? Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, nobody's going to have read Batman that long ago. I seen the television and the movies – everything was in black and white anyway back then, and comics? They would have been dull in greyscale. You don't believe me? Look at old war footage. Sure, sometimes it's in colour, but that's because all film back then was colour film, it was just that the entire world was black and white. And don't even get me started about the old Chaplin movies. How grainy was the world back then?

Anyway. I am so awesome I managed to talk about an entirely different subject while talking about how awesome I am. See? That's because I'm modest. Awesome and modest. An incredibly brilliant combination.

So. I'm not the greatest writer in the world ever. As I've just shown, I'm incredibly humble and modest, and as amazing as I am, even I couldn't knock Chuck Austen from that divine spot. But I will say that I'm most likely in the top three bestest writers ever in the world ever and I'm not lying to you oh no sir.

But I'm not deranged, of course – I had my days of wondering whether I really was awesome, or whether I was mistaken, foolishly believing the world's press when thy said how I was a guiding light in the world of comics, a golden shooting star of yummy goodness that was sure to blind children if they looked at it for too long, but luckily for me? I had other people who believed that it was true, too.

Editors, for example. There are editors in both DC and Marvel who love me so much that they will call me up at insane hours of the day just to hear my voice. Of course, the moment I speak, they have been so mesmerised by my awesome deep baritones that they pause, suddenly shy, unable to offer me that Batman or Wolverine gig, feeling that such an offer is too small for my magnitude. Instead, in a vague attempt to save face they will actually, (and I shit you not) they will actually pretend to be an Indian call centre and try to sell me a new phone contract, or a new mortgage. God bless them. They try so hard to pretend to be something else, but I can tell. Often I'll go along with the joke and then, at some point I'll yell ‘I know it's you, Mike Marts! Now give me the Batman book! Morrison's killing him off? I'll bring him back to life in a twelve part opus called Batman Reborn Again And This Time It's For Keeps where the Indiana Jones space aliens return to Earth and bring Bruce Wayne back as an intergalactic ninja with LASER BEAMS out of his fingers! Yes! And he's fifty feet tall! And can speak Mandarin! '

Yes. Just as you are now reading this, sat back in your chair in awe of this incredible high concept, they do the same on the phone. Some will try to pretend some more, obviously these are the Marvel Editors – but often they will be so emotionally wrought that they will quickly place the phone down without another word.

My pitches are the stuff of legend. I've won Eisner Awards for my pitches. Well, that is to say that I haven't, but if they did an Eisner award for pitches? I'd win. Hands down. For I am awesome.

Yes, these do exist...

And it's not just the editors who think that I'm awesome. My fellow creators do as well. Some will show their respect and awe by lightly mocking me, calling me a talentless media whore who shouldn't be in the business, in that oh, so familiar way that we do in what we call ‘the business', some will be too awe struck to even speak to me, instead leaving the bar in shyness and fear every time I enter, some will shake my hand and tell me of their undying love for me and all that I do and some even star tunderground churches aimed purely at worshiping me. Which, to be honest is totally understandable. And I allow them to do so. And yes, I'm looking at you, Oeming.

I was talking just the other day to The Queen, Neil Gaiman and the Spice Girls about fame, and they were all agreeing that (apart from the fact that I was obviously awesome) I had been very good at (on the surface) not being too famous yet. Because although I am awesome, I don't want to be too awesome too quickly. For then, I might stop being awesome at my peak, and that just wouldn't do.

Ha ha ha – sorry, I'm crying with laughter too much to type, now. The thought of me ever not being awesome is so ludicrous, it's unthinkable.

Of course, there are those out there who believe that I'm not awesome, a small amount of misguided folk who spread heresy and lies. It's okay, don't fear – when I find them? I kill them. It's humane, well actually it's not, really. But they do die, eventually, and that is the entire deterrent I need to keep my throne in the clouds.

Fuck it. I'm too humble for my own good. I really am the greatest writer in the world, ever. And I'm probably the best artist in the world, ever, too. The fact that I've never tried drawing? That's not an obstacle. Maybe I will start drawing my own work. Then I don't even have to share the credit of my most awesome books with anyone else, someone who might not be as awesome as me, and therefore dilute my work of awesomeness.

I should end this soon; I know that you're crying in fear, scared that once this ends, the grey darkness of your humdrum everyday life will return while I return to my mansion in the sky, but deal with it. You are allowed to have these fears.

Because I am awesome—and you're not.

The above piece was dedicated to all the naysayers and critics who claim that I'm nothing than a self pimping internet whore. Trust me, guys – if I wanted to say how great I was? As you can see, I could have done a whole lot better...

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And so, back in the world of Normal Tony (trademarked), I've had a remarkably chilled week. Of course, this was started by the fact that I was in Prague for the first three days of it. And, surprisingly, I didn't write a single word while I was there, including the flight out and back. I only looked at my emails on the Monday, too – something almost unheard of.

Tony and Tracy, Charles Bridge...

In fact, the only work I actually did was about an hours worth of brainstorming with my better half Tracy on the Tuesday night, while working out a kink in my Steampunk story pitch. Apart from that it was what many people call... a vacation. It was most concerning. I don't know if I'll do it again. That said, my next visit abroad is the San Diego Comic Con, and I'll definitely have my laptop there, as I'll be working throughout the week. Most likely beside the pool, but we gloss over that point.

As I mentioned last week, Spider Man Family #9 came out to a modicum of a fanfare, mainly myself on a kazoo, but we ignore that. Wizard Universe had a poll on it on their forums and it seemed unanimous (at the time of writing) that it was a 100% four star winner, with one poster saying ‘Personally? I thought it was brilliant. Five stars! '

Why, thanks. And, if you go and look for it, you'll see why this is an amusing marketing soundbite...

It's still in shops, go buy it.

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And so we end another week of well, whatever shit I decide to write this week, to be honest. This week, work wise? I'm writing like a demon, once more juggling about five projects while trying to gain a sixth. I'm also deciding whether I should stay at the gym or say sod it and buy a bike instead, start jogging in the local park... But I'll still be here, bright eyed and bushy tailed in seven, which just so happens to be my girlfriend's birthday – so perhaps I'll talk about anniversaries, birthdays, romance. You know, chick stuff.

Apparently this is like the second most read column on the site, yet nobody ever comments in my forum. Don't be a wussbag, reader—post in there. Tell me what you think, and more importantly, tell me what you'd like me to write about. Otherwise, all you get is more shit like this from me. Which of course you will love, because I am, after all utterly awesome...

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Discuss this column at the Only A Forum forum.
© 2008, Tony Lee

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