“Seventy Eight Drunk Guys In A Bar…”

By Tony Lee

“Honest to god, this is us right now.”

So it’s gone 5pm in the Ramada Hotel bar and the 2007 Bristol Comic Expo has finally come to a close. We write this shattered, exhausted and other such words that mean exactly the same. We came, we saw, we drank (moderately), we took snuff (moderately), we mocked people (moderately) and we had a damned good weekend (moderately).

And if you believe that we took things in moderation, well you haven’t really noted the title of this column, have you?

The Bristol Expo is one of those weekends which either stay with you (or haunt you) forever. It’s where friendships are made and broken; networking is half heartedly attempted before beer is drunk and name dropping is practically a given aspect, as I was saying to David Lloyd as we drank in the bar on Saturday.

Actually, I did have a drink with David in the bar, and we discussed his absolutely amazingly excellent Dark Horse graphic novel Kickback. If you haven’t already gone and bought it, go and buy it. Now. Seriously.

Anyway, so this weekend was a landmark one, for we had our Golden Champagne Glass Awards. These started as a joke a couple of months back, but after an impassioned plea by Steven Saunders on ATR, we ended up having over seven hundred votes for the bloody things. But more later. Currently Lee “Budgie” Barnett is stopping me writing this incredibly important column talking some bollocks about something. We don’t usually listen to him. He’s the brains behind Hypotheticals with Dave Gibbons. This is their eighth year. He keeps saying I’m ‘The World Famous Tony Lee’. I think he wants me. If he’s lucky he’ll get me.

Anyway where were we? Oh yes, the con. To be honest this was a lot more relaxed than usual, there was no climbing of trees, there was no creators trying for a particular female and suddenly having a coronary at discovering her age (or who her father was) and of course there were no drunken shenanigans.

Bollocks. Of course there were. I myself managed to kick off a drunken, cider fuelled argument with someone for really no reason bar drunken twatness (I apologised later in a most unique of situations) and Dan managed to accidentally pull off a newspaper rack. Whoo. Rock and roll, baby.

On the Friday Dan arrived with the dodgiest Terry Thomas moustache possible, and this rapidly disappeared after countless tuggings by people absolutely convinced that it had to be fake. But it wasn’t. And neither was the Apricot snuff he brought which didn’t smell of apricots and in fact reminded us in a lot of bad ways of Vics menthol nasal spray.

Talking of the snuff, Jamie Boardman has just walked up, looking like an extra from Land Of The Dead. He’s had an utterly stellar weekend of ‘conventioning’ – he narrowly lost out the Hardest Drinker award to Mam Tor – and there’s twelve of them and they include Simon Bisley. He’s also mentioned that this bar had over twenty five barrels of beer drunk last night alone. That’s impressive. He’s just said a line we’re stealing for the title of this column.

I’m not making much sense and we know this, but we’ve been awake a long time and if we’ve had more than five hours sleep all weekend we’d be impressive. And Craig at Silver Bullet Comic Books is here as well, and can see we’re slacking on the column. Bugger. Better write come cobblers then.

So Friday was the usual ‘sit up til 4am talking shit about future projects’ game that all creators love and adore. There were a lot of tall stories being told and secrets that would even make Rich Johnston blush. This is one of the reasons I love conventions.

So on Saturday there was signings galore for Midnight Kiss and Starship Troopers, Tizzle Sisters for Dan, there was a Markosia Panel where we made Dan dance the ‘Emo Peter Parker’ dance due to his similar haircut and attitude, Bevis ‘Queen of Diamonds’ Musson sprinkled sparkly glitter around and drew us in his comic (issues 8 and 9) and I finally met Steve ‘Zen Intergalactic Ninja’ Stern, who’s doing Beowulf for Markosia – and Dave Lloyd. Did I mention that I met Dave Lloyd? I met Dave Lloyd. He did V for Vendetta. Budgie calls him ‘Dave-o’. I call him the Lloydster. Or sir.

Buy and read Kickback. It’s f*cking brilliant.

I also sat on a panel with David Hine. I like David. It’s a tradition that we do panels. It means that we can continue our love that dare not speak its name with no repercussion.

Have I mentioned that I haven’t slept? And Dan got in an hour after me.

Dan keeps saying ‘Yeah boiiiii’. I don’t know what he means. Mam Tor keep showing me their award. The paint’s already coming off. Only the best from us.

So anyway, last night were the Eagle Awards. Now, I’m sure that there are blogs galore who will be talking about the Eagles and the award winners – but we haven’t got a bloody clue who won what or where or why. We were in the bar watching the Eurovision Song Contest. We managed to steal an entire section of the bar and hijacked a TV and turned the volume on full. Bevis led the cheering. We wanted Ukraine and their fat Christopher Biggins look-a-like in their silver disco ball dress to win. They didn’t. But we started with a few watching and by the end half the bar was watching and apparently (and this hasn’t been confirmed) the Eagles were delayed because they didn’t want to clash.

U.S celebrity chum Christian Beranek was introduced to Eurovision for the first time by Mario Boon. Mario Boon is an evil man.

Cher has just said something wacky.

And then came the Golden Champagne Glass Awards. The Crème of the convention in our eyes. A piss take awards that morphed into a f**king monster. Dan, his manservant/batman Skinner and I wore our best Sunday best and brought joy and happiness to the masses – well, a dozen people in our bar, who, following much cheering once more turned into half the bar, with most of the rest watching in confusion. We have some pictures.

“Dan and Tony introduce awards.”

“The first nomination is read.”

So the winners of the awards –


THE GOLDEN CHAMPAGNE GLASS AWARDS


1) Favourite Comic Written By Friends Award

Phonogram (Gillen / McKelvie)
Queen Of Diamonds (Bevis Musson)
Testament (Rudikoff / Sharp)

Winner - Phonogram (Gillen / McKelvie)

Not really a surprise here, but Bevis Musson’s Queen of Diamonds did push them to the finish line. Unfortunately Gillen and McKitten were outside doing an interview and missed the excitement.


2) Favourite Comic Villain Award

Skeets (DC)
Iron Man (Marvel)
Kieron Gillen (Image)

Winner - Kieron Gillen (Image)

Again, Gillen wasn’t there. He hates us. We love him. The fans love him. He hates us. I’m going to cry. Well, maybe have another drink.


3) Scariest Fan Award

Cher
Derek Hartley
Phil, that guy who follows Dan about

Winner – Cher

Was there really any doubt she would win this? We were originally calling this ‘Scariest Stalker’, but we thought that it’d be rude. But she is. Really. She scares us.


4) Gayest Gay Man In Comics* Award

Bevis Musson
Richard Emms
Kev F. Sutherland

Winner – Bevis Musson

Bevis was neck and neck with Kev Sutherland for ages, but in the end edged forwards to take the prestigious title. Which is lucky as I think he was the only one nominated who actually fitted the award.

“Bevis Musson with trophy.”

5) Small Press Superstar Award – (fastest riser in a year)

Emma Vieceli
Stan Lee
Trevor Landolt / Praxis Comics

Winner – Emma Vieceli

There was a lot of controversy with this award when we were forced to disqualify Stan Lee after conflicting reports that he had actually worked in comics before 2006.

Nevertheless, SelfMadeHero’s own Manga Hamlet artist Emma Vieceli pounced on the award like a love sick vulture when she realised that this made her queen of the world.

We love Emma. You should buy Hamlet.

“Emma Viecelli with trophy and weird pink furry thing. But she’s, like, into manga, so I suppose it’s expected.”

6) Best Journo Scum (UK) Award

Lying In The Gutters
Down The Tubes
Fool Britannia

Winner – Lying In The Gutters

No contest here, Rich won hands down. And had one of the biggest cheers of the awards when he stated that he wasn’t Journo Scum, as he wasn’t a journalist…


7) Best Journo Scum (US) Award

Newsarama
Wizard Universe
All The Rage

Winner – All The Rage

Again, no contest, mainly as Steve Saunders put it on his column. I mean, really. That guy will pimp his granny for a nomination.


8) Best Online Podcast Award

Comic Geek Speak
Quiet! Panelologists At Work
Fanboy Radio

Winner - Quiet! Panelologists At Work

This was close – Fanboy and the Panelologists were again up to the wire – it was a last minute bribe and a sudden flurry of last minute email nominations for the Panelologists from a lot of mysteriously unknown people meant that they indeed won the day.

“The panelologists achieve their greatest dreams.”

9) Best Convention Panel That Starts With A ‘H’ And Is Written By An Accountant Award

HDC Nation
HCuppa Joe
Hypotheticals

Winner – Hypotheticals

No contest. The highlight of the convention. And he’s available, girls.


10) Fan Most Likely To Commit Murder In Our Name Award

Derek Hartley
Cher
Those Dodgy Goths From Down South (and you know who you are)

Winner - Derek Hartley

There’s nothing funny here. Derek Hartley f**king scares us.

Seriously though, Derek wanted this so badly and just pipped Cher. And then got drunk and left the award in the bar. Muppet.


11) Hardest Drinkers Award

Jamie Boardman
Andy Diggle / Jock
Mam Tor

Winner – Mam Tor

They have Bisley. ‘Nuff said.

“They brought the ROCK all night. Liam Sharp wins the trophy.”

12) ‘You Look Like A Wookie’ Award

Len O’Grady
Ian Sharman
Alan Moore

Winner – Ian Sharman

Alan Moore seemed to be the winner on this – but with a wedding on the same night and with Ian Sharman actually going so far as to place a picture of himself on the Internet in Toys R Us wearing a Chewbacca mask the tables quickly turned… Well done, Ian.


13) Favourite Website Award

Silver Bullet Comic Books
Newsarama
The Pulse

Winner - Silver Bullet Comic Books

F*ck you, Eagle awards. We know who the true winner is. (Sorry Matt and Jen – but this is on their website… They kinda had to win…)

“Craig Johnson shows sheer joy for SBCB.”

14) Lifetime Achievement Award

Dez Skinn
Phil Barnett
Dan Boultwood’s Mum

Winner – Phil Barnett

Anyone who’s read Finland, Finland, Finland will understand exactly why. He makes Bob Wayne scared.

“Budgie with both his and son’s awards. Did I mention that he’s available?”

15) Best Publisher In The Entire World Award

Walker Books
AiT/Planet Lar
AAM/Markosia

Winner – AAM/Markosia

What a complete and utter shock. *wink*

Apparently there was rumours that there were people in the Eagles who, after our awards (which ran after theirs) were seriously pushing to get us to host them next year.

If so, sorry guys – but we already have an award ceremony to do – and these will return.

God, is it still daylight? Can I sleep yet? Can Dan go home?

Thank god. Goodnight, readership. We love you all.

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Tony Lee is the award-nominated writer of things including The Tizzle Sisters with G.P Taylor and Dan Boultwood, Starship Troopers, Doctor Who, X-Men, Midnight Kiss, Wallace & Gromit and Robin Hood – Outlaw’s Pride with Sam Hart. Michael Moorcock says that ‘Tony Lee is one of the best story-tellers working in comics today’. He drinks, though.

Dan Boultwood is the critically acclaimed artist of things including The Tizzle Sisters with G.P Taylor and Tony Lee, and both Monster Club and Comicana for APC.

Together they have written and drawn The Gloom (out later this year as a collected edition) and the upcoming Hope Falls, out in November from AAM/Markosia.

Tony’s website is www.tonylee.co.uk. Feel free to email him and interrupt his day.

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© 2008, Tony Lee

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