Who's Who in the CBU 2009

Name: Regie Rigby

Regie is a strange, almost ethereal creature. Who can plumb the hidden mysteries of his dark and murky past - a past which contains a terrible secret. A secret that taught him that with great power comes great responsibility, that criminals are a cowardly superstitious lot and just who exactly knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

By day, he assumes the appearance of a mild mannered teacher, bringing the joy of literature and the English Language to classes of enthralled and enthusiastic students. But by night?

By night he goes home and writes lesson plans. Sorry. That's as interesting as he gets. Really.

The rumours about rooftop struggles with underworld uberfiends, the gossip about the hidden cave filled with hi-tec equipment and the suggestion that his car might be fitted with turbo lasers are all nonsense.

When he's not teaching he reads comics. Sometimes he combines the two activities. When he's not doing that he's either playing computer games or asleep.

Who Wants To Be A Superhero?

By Regie Rigby

Every so often you hear the roar of a powerful engine accompanied by the vaguely discordant notes of an incongruous bandwagon starting up. If you listen carefully, you can hear one now as unlikely news from the world of game show rides triumphantly into Fool Central.

Reality game shows are all the rage right now. It seems that we want to see real people on T.V. – I can’t imagine why, after all we can see real people just by looking out of our windows, but nobody seems to worry about that kind of thing. Last summer Britain was desperate to know whether Big Brother contestant X had or had not given Big Brother contestant Y a blowjob during thier under the covers frolics. This from a nation internationally famed for its reserve! Stuff it – we were hooked on the reality bug! Admittedly nobody in the UK watched Survivor, but that was only because it was rubbish.

Better still though, we love the reality quiz. Real people playing for real money being made to squirm under the camera. Whether it’s the Phone a Friend, is that your final answer hothouse of Who wants to be a Millionaire? (stupid question really – who doesn’t?!) or the ritual humiliation that is The Weakest Link we like to see regular folks look stupid.

And now according to Hollywood Reporter the experience is coming to comics!

Oh yes, my foolish friends! Who cares who wants to be a Millionaire? What we really want to know is “Who wants to be a Superhero?” I suspect I’ll never see this show, since I can’t imagine it making the trip over the Atlantic (I speak here as a man who has never seen an episode of Static Shock because I can’t find a UK Terrestrial channel that carries it and I refuse to fork out for Digital TV, so I don’t fancy my chances with this) but Warner T.V. have a plan to give regular people a chance to be the Superhero they always dreamed of being.

You have to admit – it’s a masterstroke. I mean, even non-comics readers must indulge themselves in the occasional “I wish I could fly, beat up bad guys and put right injustices” style fantasy. I guarantee you that if this show ever makes it to this side of the pond I for one will be queuing up to be a contestant.

The format is simple. A bunch of “normal people” (not that I’m sure there is any such thing of course, but hey…) will be allowed to dress up in their idea of a Superhero costume. (And I don’t care wha Robin says – they’re costumes not uniforms. To be a uniform you need a whole bunch of people wearing the same clothes.) Once suited up in figure hugging spandex (y’know, with my ever expanding beer gut I might have to pass on this after all…) contestants will have to “complete tasks that one might find a comic book character engaged in”, whatever that means.

I mean really! What sort of tasks are we talking about here? Are contestants to be expected to outrun bullets? Leap tall buildings with a single bound? Looking back over the Spandex books I’ve read over the last couple of months I’ve seen Spider-Man fight a supernatural wasp monster, Batman take on a shadowy government agency and Green Arrow try to come to terms with his betrayal of his son. Somehow I can’t see any of that cropping up on WB!

What else is there?

Alien invasions? Terrorist threats? Crazed super villains holding up banks and threatening the general populous? Do me a favour!
I have a horrible image in my head of portly people in ill advised skin tight outfits looking very very silly while swinging through the air on cables pretending to fly, having a go at a low velocity version of that thing Wonder Woman used to do in the TV show with the bullet repellent wrist bands and possibly even walking up the side of a building on the end of a Bat Rope.

Doesn’t bode well, does it?

I may be showing my lack of media savvy here, but the knowledge that this show comes from the same mind that brought the world such prime time classics as When Good Pets go Bad and Stupid Behaviour: Caught on Tape doesn’t exactly fill me with joy either. In the interests of balance I should point out that these are also shows I have not had the pleasure of viewing, but you’ll forgive me if I assume that they don’t tax the cerebellum of the viewer all that much.

You see, I can’t help worrying that this is another example of comics related stuff getting into the mainstream media simply to make us look stupid. I for one don’t see much need for this – it’s not as though the world doesn’t think we’re pretty damned stupid anyway. I suppose that being the case this show won’t actually make things worse, but it sure as shoot won’t help.

Still – there are two causes for optimism. The first is the prize, or at least the suggested prize. The winner (and presumably their superheroic creation) stand a chance of getting into their own comic. Assuming the show catches on any such comic tie in would sell by the bucket load. This might just stimulate some newsstand demand and therefore go some way to convincing non-specialist retailers to take a punt on stocking a wider variety of comics in their inventory.

Well, you never know…

The second cause for optimism is the identity of the host. Just think for a second. You’re launching a game show based around Superheroes. In an ideal world who would you get to host it? Who is the most recognisable face of Comics? Who has the most experience of Superhero creation? I suppose in an ideal world, now that Jack Kirby is no longer with us, you’d have to try and get Stan Lee.

Guess what?

They did.

Odd in many ways, at least to an oldie like me. It’s not so long ago that Marvel’s guiding light wouldn’t have been seen shining anywhere near a company in the same stable as DC Comics. How things change.
But whether you fall into the camp that says Lee is the greatest genius comics have ever produced, the camp that says he robbed it all off’ve Kirby and Ditko, or the camp that says he was great in the sixties, you have to admit that he really cares about Superheroes. (I’m assuming at this point that Ravage 2099 was a temporary aberration…) Lee is a showman, and if anyone could pull this idea off without looking like a prat, it would be him.

So, in line with my new found positive attitude I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed on this one. Due to air in the 2003-4 season (which I’m guessing means the end of this year) I’d be grateful if anyone out there who gets to see it could let me know how it all turns out.

And if anyone can persuade the BBC to carry Static Shock, I’ll be eternally grateful…