Never be jealous of surfers. Do you know how stupid surfing is?

A column article by: Alison Stevenson


Kryptonite Got You Down? #5

Never be jealous of surfers. Do you know how stupid surfing is?


Dear Alison,

For most of my adult life I've suffered from an unenviable skin condition that has left my entire face red and bone dry. I used to be the epitome of the Aryan ideal, with gorgeous blonde locks and icy blue eyes, but now I can't even get the weak women of inferior stock to look my way.

I sought out power and riches thinking that would help the Nordic women I deserve to look the other way in regards to my unfortunate dermatological state and now I find myself at odds with a man who has everything I've lost – gorgeous blonde locks, icy blue eyes and Nordic women literally killing themselves for him! To make matters worse, he represents everything I'm against and is too concerned with truth and justice to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. Do you have any skincare regimens you could recommend to a man in my position? Or should I just resign myself to being this vanilla jock's ghastly wingman?


Skin is Killing my Unfortunate Love Life


Dear S.K.U.L.L,

Gross dude. I mean no offense but that shit sounds pretty ugly. Haha anyways, I feel for you. I really do. This reminds me of that one time I thought I had herpes but turns out it was just really bad razor burn. Wow, your face basically looks like weird razor burn all the time. That really sucks. Again, sorry.

Yes, let's face it (no pun intended). Being that ugly is an obstacle. Having power and riches, a smart move. That usually solves the problem for ugly guys. I mean come on, look at every rich guy ever that invented something to do with computers and/or video games.

What could it be that's setting you back? Does your personality suck? Believe it or not buddy, but that shit kind of matters to women. Maybe you're too busy obsessing over this nemesis of yours and women get turned off by it. Jealousy is very ugly, almost as ugly as your face.

Making this guy your wingman is not a bad idea!

Honestly, if you and him join forces he can help you out. You know what us women love? Wounded puppies. You have to be the wounded puppy that we want to nurture and play fetch with. This other guy, he's the cocky asshole which works for him but it can't work for you anymore. Go out to a bar, and let him beat the crap out of you. Whimper loudly, and maybe even cry and shout things like “no stop please ouch” until finally he does. There would have to be at least one woman after that who'll feel so sorry for you that she'll fall in love with you. That's how I met my first boyfriend. Also, have a tail. If there is any way you can get a cute tail on your butt that wags when you're happy that would be amazing. By the way, I might be a furry kind of just realizing this now.

If that doesn't work, well you should maybe meet my Aunt Rosie. She used to be a boxer, but is now in her mid-50s and eats so much spam that it's permanently made her breath smell like a Hawaiian. Also she wears a lot of muumuus, so that's even more exotic. Pretty sure she is DTF cause her ex-husband just left her and she's pretty desperate. Let me know! I'll give you her ICQ.


Dear Alison,

I consider myself to be a larger-than-life type of person. I'm well-traveled, hungry for new worlds, and I have the ability to change my size to nearly any dimension- which the ladies love btw. I'll admit my life isn't always that glamorous though. Let's just say my job is in acquisitions...of entire planets. It's what keeps me alive. But all this devouring, although it's made me the demi-god I am today, has taken a toll on my love life. I just don't think anybody is on my level.

I met this one guy who was pretty cool. He was a surfer which I was secretly jealous of. But he couldn't deal with my job - he thought it was "unethical'! Cut to fight after fight after fight.

Anyway, I'm hoping you can help. Should I consider turning my life around? Is there someone out there that I can actually feel equal to? If I'm so powerful, why do I spend so much time alone...weeping into the dark abyss of space?


Gigantic Arrogant Lover Actually CryingTo Uncaring Space


Sup G.A.L.A.C.T.U.S,

First of all, please never be jealous of surfers. Do you know how stupid surfing is? Yeah let's ride a giant wave that has the power to crush our skulls with this piece of foam that's got turtle wax all over it. Honestly, anyone who thinks they are better than the ocean pisses me off. The nerve of him to think your job is unethical, which I mean yeah it seems like it totally is, but still. However, I can't tell you who to love that's your business. One of those failing ones that will crumble in a bad economy but still, yours and yours only, idiot.

Turning your life around is not a bad idea. I'm pretty sure we're running out of planets for you to acquire anyways. Especially with the loss of Pluto. When you're practically a God, it's hard to find anyone equal to you (trust me I know). The only thing you can do is make yourself a less interesting and powerful person so you can finally be on the same level as most of the world. If love is what you're really looking for then that has to be the most important thing in your life. You can't waste your time “being productive” or “reaching personal goals.”

Quit your job, buy a shack on some island. and seduce this surfer loser to be your one and only.

He'll say yes I’m pretty sure since he probably doesn't have a real job and spends the little money he does have on pukka shell necklaces and band aids for shark bites. I think you'll be much happier. Get in contact with my Aunt Rosie. She's hooked up with a lot of 7-11 cashiers who could probably set you up with a sweet gig at one of their stores. Man, my Aunt Rosie is so cool. 

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