Figure shit out. Stop being an ass. Send me nude pics.

A column article by: Alison Stevenson

 

Kryptonite Got You Down? #4

"Figure shit out. Stop being an ass. Send me nude pics."

Hi Alison,

I have a delicate matter to discuss. You see, I'm a debonair playboy billionaire trying to give back to his community by beating the crap out of less privileged individuals who have taken to a life of crime. To aid me in this, I've recently taken on a young ward who tragically lost his family. We're a great team, even though I prefer outfits that help me blend into the darkness and my ward likes to dress, well, like some kind of color blind pageboy. But our problem isn't fashion oriented. Our problem is that people seem to be under the impression that we're engaging in a Greek style apprenticeship. You know, the kind that involves a different sort of "hands on" tutelage. 

 

It's become quite embarrassing. Not because I'm homophobic (trust me, I've given more than my fair share to GLAAD over the years), but I already have enough issues with the law and all I need is to be placed on some kind of sex offender register. Worse, it seems to be all the media latches onto now. They don't care about the work I'm doing to rid the streets of the mentally ill and aggressively impoverished, all they talk about is my "boy toy wonder." Even that local journalist who's obsessed with some kind of tiger woman blathers on about it. What can I do to make it obvious that there's nothing going on here? And should I discuss this with the boy? Maybe encourage him to dress less...provocatively?

Yours,

Billionaire in Awkward, Tricky Situation


 

Yo Dude,

A pretty tricky situation indeed. You know, I usually don't care to solve the problems of spoiled billionaire one-percent-er assholes like yourself but you do fight crime and help the community and all so I guess just this once I'll waive the "no helping rich assholes" rule. Consider yourself lucky! Oh wait, you already do! Anyways, rich boss types who take on a young, cute "assistant" or "intern" or "student to mentor" are often accused of having sexual relations with them. I believe most people think this because it is absolutely true. At least 95% of the time it is. Cause I mean seriously, what sort of creative writing professor really needs a student assistant three times a week to work with him in his office and help him "brainstorm?" It's total bullshit! It's really just an excuse to hit on a young, impressionable, horny college girl who idolizes older men with creative writing degrees because she doesn't know what it means to be a real adult. On that note, Professor Marx if you're reading this, this is not about you! ;). 

However, I see that in your case you really aren't engaging in any sexy times with your sidekick. Mainly just being accused of it and yeah, that is totally different I guess. Dude, fucking duh the media doesn't care about your stupid accomplishments. Since when do we rely on the news to give us actual news? What is this, the '70s?! Ha, don't be an idiot. No, see, if you want the media to shut up about you and this guy how about doing something drastic so the media knows to quickly dispel all their rumors? It would have to be bigger than telling your buddy to dress less colorful. Maybe one of you should get married like Tom Cruise did, or fake your own death like Michael Jackson did. It’s a very quick way to dispel gay rumors, and all of a sudden have everyone forget what a shitty person you are (in case you also happen to be a shitty person). If that's too drastic for you, then I say just wait it out. You'll have to suffer a bit longer, but trust me, you will be boring once another celebrity rises with some new juicy gossip like how they've been lying about their age the past ten years, or like to stick animals up their butts or some shit like that. 

Honestly, you're rich and I just can't feel very sorry for you because of it. I mean, can't you just buy the media and make it say whatever you want it to? Like, you could seriously buy every major newspaper and make all the stories about cottage cheese. That's how fucking amazing your life is. What I would give to have that power. Damn...I have to go be sad now.  


 

Dear Alison,

 

I hate to get all "first world problems" on you here and everything, but I work on a team that's mostly men, with a few women and for whatever reason, the women on the team come to work dressed in outfits that look like something you'd see in a shady internet pop-up ad. I mean, sure, our work allows us guys to wear some crazy outfits, but pretty much all of our skin is covered up and even though the skin tight outfits we have on (don't ask) show off our abs and pecs, it's not like we're prancing around in codpieces and speedos (well, there is that one guy...but he's been around forever and honestly, I think he's just afraid of change). Meanwhile, the women are practically falling out of their clothes or their outfits are so revealing they may as well just be nude.

 

Personally, I think it's irresponsible, for one, since our work is pretty active and dangerous. Am I wrong for thinking their attire is inappropriate? Do you think they're doing this for show, or do you think it's some kind of power trip for them? What's the deal?

Yours,

Teased and Annoyed


 

Hahaha, so many other dudebros reading this hate you so much right now. If I was a hetero-dude-bro I totally would. Luckily for you, I’m a hetero-dude-girl (well except for that one time in college, and that other time last week) who is not getting a boner at the thought of practically naked women running around your office all day. So, I can be understanding and supportive and not refer to you as a whiny idiot. Yay!

Here’s the thing, are the women working with you choosing to wear these outfits or is it their assigned uniform? Big difference! I mean, how exactly does it work that all of them are dressing the same sexy way? Did they have a private meeting with no boys allowed and decide to wear practically nothing as a team? Women have the right to choose! Our body, our temple (even if we’re atheists, hehe). 

On the other hand, if this dress code is being forced on them, well, that’s a whole other story! One of those stories that’s really misogynist and unfair to women. You know, like The Notebook. Have you tried having a talk with these ladies? Maybe sit down over a cup of coffee and be a real galpal. Let them open up to you about their feelings, and find out exactly why they dress the way they do. I mean sure, this will permanently put you in the friend zone but it might be worth it in the long run. If corporate is forcing these women to be so scantily clad then I say take some sort of legal action and demand uniforms be changed.

If these outfits are to the women’s choosing however, well then…I don’t know, maybe stop being a thirteen year old boy and get over it you whiny idiot. Oops, sorry. I know I said I wouldn’t do that but…I mean, come on. You’re totally being a whiny idiot.

Also, don’t be such hypocrite! You admitted that you walk around all day showing off your rock hard abs through those skin tight uniforms. Believe it or not, women get horny too. I’m sure if I was working in your office I’d be rubbing one out to each and every one of you. Ever think that you might be just as much of a tease? Just as distracting? Just as metaphorically boner inducing? You don’t see the women at your work writing anonymous letters to brilliant advice givers on the issue though do you? Grow some maturity balls and stop your complaining, you whiny idiot (last time, I promise). 
So basically, figure shit out. Stop being an ass (didn’t say whiny idiot!). Also, send me nude pics.  

Hope this helps!! 

Hey supernerds! Send all your super love and sex questions to Alison and maybe she'll answer them! More like she'll create a fake OKCupid profile for you and include pics of genital mutilation instead of your face, but whatevs, same difference really. 


 

Alison Stevenson is a stand-up comic and writer living in Oakland, CA. She performs all over the bay area. She is also the creator of a soon to be released zine titled Neuropuddy. You can see clips of her performing, read other articles she's written, or contact her for some reason by visiting her website, nodancing.tumblr.com

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