Even Non-Humans Hunger for Lovin'... Ask Mario Lopez.

A column article by: Alison Stevenson

Kryptonite Got You Down? #3-

"Even Non-Humans Hunger for Lovin'...Ask Mario Lopez.


Yo Alison,

I'ma sexy ass bitch who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. I just go up to bros and say "Yo, you wants to have sex with me?"And then BAM! They do! Works every time! ButI don't remember none of thems names.

This one guy with this sweet lil' soul patch, he even knows some of them boos I be with before. He straight up list off a roll call of poles I been on and I don't remember a one. Should I feel bad about that shit?


SexyTamaranean Against Remembering

Hello S.T.A.R,

Well, first off I have to say that I love your take charge attitude. Not enough women take advantage of the fact that they can make the first move when it comes to sex and more importantly that it's not wrong to have a sexual appetite. I mean come on, it is the 21st century, and it will be for a while i'm pretty sure. We are living in an age where gender norms are being redefined and DVDs are realesed in Blu-ray. This is exactly what our ancestors dreamed of! After all, it is called a libido not a libidon't! With that, I must say that the whole memory loss thing is taking me for a loop. I mean, I lose my memory a lot when getting crunk (industry term) but it seems to me your memory loss is not of the alcohol variety. Are you perhaps choosing not to remember these men? Repressing the memory of them because deep down you don't like what you're doing? Or maybe they're ugly?

Ugh a soul patch, really? Let me fill you in on something. Do you know why soul patches exist? Because God is a lie and exisistence is futile. That's why. I would never, ever trust anyone with a soul patch. I wouldn't even let him do soul-patchy things to me like make me an espresso drink or give me free salsa lessons. So naturally, my first reaction is that this guy is a creep. Plain and simple. You know, like he wants to jump your bones so bad and is perhaps even madly in love with you but you refuse to reciprocate these feelings so now he stalks you at all hours to watch you bone these other dudes and maybe that's the only thing that gets him off now other than pictures of Dave Matthews.

In his defense though, it might be a good thing that he has these names for you at hand. Not being able to remember any of them at all is super weird. Maybe he's like your personal Memento, which is good cause you don't want a bunch of dude's names tattoed all over your body. This guy could be your skeazy guardian angel for what it's worth. I say take advantage. You shouldn't feel bad necessarily but you should maybe go to a therapist, or doctor or something and get your brain checked out. Until then, let the creepy dude - regardless of his soul patch - watch over your activity. You never know when you're going to get knocked up, or get herpes, or something.

Hey Alison,

I'm a big hunkin'...pile o'rocks. You need someone clobbered, I'm your guy, but I got some issues when it comes to the ol' boudoir. I ain't got flesh anymore, just rocks, and rocks, and more rocks. I once had a woman who loved me, but she was a blind sculptor and I always thought she was just thinking of what kind of statue she could make out of me. I woke up one night and she was standing over me with a ball peen hammer and that's when I had to call it quits, even though she swore she was just trying to file down a callous I had that was scratching her. I don't think rocks even get callouses.

The thing is, I'm horny as all hell. Before I got turned into this stony mess, I was quite the ladies' man, if you can believe it. But now, I mean, how the hell would it even work? I've seen they sell some of those "marital aids" that are made out of polished stone. Is that something I should look into? Because lube just ain't gonna cut it when I'm all lumpy and misshapen. Or there's this lady I used to see around who was just like me. But then she got turned back into a beautiful broad. I know this guy, he's kind of a creep and he always dresses up in this stupid iron mask, but he turned her back into a stone lady once before. Would it be wrong of me to ask if he could do it again?

Please help,

Thinking of Hiring an Insane Genius



Look, I've run into guys like you before. At one point you were hot shit, able to get any lady you wanted and then the years go by. Suddenly your luck is changing. You're not as attractive as you once were, the younger girls start finding you creepy, and also you're a pile of rocks.

The one lady you did manage to hold down was a blind sculptor eh? I always warn people to stay away from those people. Not the blind, but artists. The worst kind of person is the kind who thinks things like sculptures or paintings are still relevant. Do you really think if Michelangelo had the technology we had today he would waste his time sculpting naked dudes? Not at all bro. Dude would be getting shit faced in his living room playing WoW and maybe occasionally photoshopping a horse face onto Sarah Jessica Parker's body. You did the right thing in dumping this backwards heathen woman!


I understand being horny as hell. You may be all rocks but you're still human deep down. Actually, no you're not at all, but even non-humans hunger for lovin. Ask Mario Lopez.

This is quite a predicament you're in. I mean, you could try going the polished stone route, and see if any ladies are dtf that way but in all honesty, that most likely won't work out. Hiring an insane genius to turn a woman into a fellow stoneperson will be of great benefit to you. I mean, even if she doesn't have any attraction to you, she'll have to once she realizes there is no one else on earth she could possibly be with. See, this is really how loving couples are formed, through deceit and manipulation. Ask Mario Lopez.

The question is, are you going to feel guilty for doing this? You might not at first but later on this might haunt you. Then you'll admit it to her in a fit of guilt laden rage and she'll hate you forever. Maybe even take legal action, sue your hard rock ass, and--wait a minute. Wait one goddamn minute, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE THIS INSANE GENIUS TURN YOU BACK INTO A HUMAN MAN INSTEAD OF HAVING HIM TURN HER INTO A STONE PERSON AGAIN OH MY GOD YOU DUMB FUCK IT'S SO SIMPLE JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE WASTING MY FUCKING TIME UGH GO AWAY NOW!!!

Unless that's not possible in that case, ruin her life. It's something a lot of people do. Ask Mario Lopez.

Send all your super love and sex questions to Alison and maybe she'll answer them! More like she'll create a fake OKCupid profile for you and include pics of genital mutilation instead of your face, but whatevs, same difference really. 


Alison Stevenson is a stand-up comic and writer living in Oakland, CA. She performs all over the bay area. She is also the creator of a soon to be released zine titled Neuropuddy. You can see clips of her performing, read other articles she's written, or contact her for some reason by visiting her website, nodancing.tumblr.com


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