Stay in Love, Keep Banging Your Tiger Woman and Stay Away from Death CabA column article, Kryptonite Got You Down? by: Alison Stevenson
I'm an ambitious female reporter with an extremely busy, chaotic life so as you can surely understand, I have trouble meeting worthwhile men. Which is why my love life has centered around a guy that even I recognize has some issues. The biggest issue is that he's leading a double life. No, he's not a drug dealer or criminal, quite the opposite. You see, he insists on masquerading as a socially awkward and clumsy reporter despite the fact that I know he's really an immensely powerful alien who protects humanity on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong, the fact that he pretends to be two different people, while silly, is frankly a bit of a turn on. I've got my chaste, bookish boytoy who waits on me hand and foot and then I've also got my big, bulky man's man, who could throw me halfway across the planet if he wanted to. But what bothers me is that he hides that double life by humiliating me at every turn, setting up elaborate pranks to show everyone that I'm wrong about his secret identity or otherwise "teaching me a lesson" by making a fool of me, whether it's through complicated alien devices that turn me into, say, a pegasus or drugging me with alien rocks and plants. He's smart, hot and famous but I'm tired of being embarrassed and manipulated. Will he ever change? Or should I DTMFA?
Searching for Uncomplicated, Practical, Easy Relationship
Well first of all, you mention he’s an alien? You mean like he’s Mexican or something? Make sure this guy isn’t just using you for a green card! If you’re pretty sure that’s not the case, then let me say double lives can be totally hot. I was dating this guy once who had a multiple personality disorder. He was a lot like your man in the sense that one minute he was Tim, the quiet librarian, then the next he was Marty, an ex-boxing champ from Illinois who killed a firefighter once for staring at him funny. His third personality was Jerry, a zombie firefighter who had a lazy eye. Sure it was confusing, but also exciting. It was like dating three men at the same time! That’s exactly what’s going on with you. You’re dating two men, in one body. It’s hard to dump a guy who’s got fame, looks, and the ability to transform you into mythical creatures but the whole public humiliation thing is so not worth it. Have you tried talking to him about it? Have you told him he is being a selfish dick for not letting you expose his secret identity? I mean you do have your own career to think about after all!
Listen, men hardly ever change. If men were a diaper they would be completely covered in shit and piss for years. Do you really feel like you can change this guys stinky, diarrhea filled personality? From my experience, the answer is no. I say dump his ass, and maybe hit up some mental wards or psychiatrist offices and pick up a man with more personalities and less baggage!
I'm so confused. There's this guy that just showed up one day at my work, begging for help. Being a do gooder, I obliged, but the next thing I know, I wake up, I'm in some random place in the future and suddenly I'm married to him and I'm the mother of his kid...who turns out to be him?? Of course I dumped the asshole, but when I returned home, all my friends just act like nothing weird happened and claim I looked happy when he took me away! WTF?! Am I wrong to think they should have done something? Since he's from an alternate reality in an indeterminate future, can I take any legal action against him? What do I do??
Married to an Alternate Reality Villain, Eager to Leave
Whoa whoa whoa! This guy sounds like an asshole! This is one of those things that in theory sounds super romantic. You know, someone you just met takes you away on an exotic vacation to some alternate reality, first class. It’s a rare occurrence, but one I know I’ve imagined in my mind plenty of times. But the whole, “now we’re married, and I’m also your son” thing, that’s where shit stops being romantic. I mean sure, girls appreciate a guy who is into commitment but you didn’t even have a say in the matter! This guy just assumed you’d be down to marry him and now raise his younger self? Bullshit! You made the right decision to leave him.
Look, friends are stupid. Never rely on your friends to do anything for you. I asked my friend Louis once to watch my hamsters for me one weekend and when I came back to pick them up they were extremely vicious and looked like a car had run over them. Not until a week later did Louis finally admit to me that he accidentally ran over them with his car, then buried them in some magical Native American burial ground so they’d live again. Sounds like a nice gesture, but he failed to mention that these pets come back to life evil spirited! So now I have two evil hamsters in my room that smell like ten different kinds of ass and will only eat other hamsters. Do you know how expensive it is to buy at least five hamsters a day? Anyways, my point is, friends are shitty. Never rely on them to protect you, unless they’re secretly in love with you.
As for legal action, I’m no lawyer but I’ve been watching a lot of Ally McBeal lately. I'm pretty sure if you find yourself a quirky, romantic female lawyer she can persuade an entire court to force this douche to give you a lot of money. Maybe even your own computer generated dancing baby!
If money is not what you're after (which is stupid, but okay) then it sounds like the best thing to do is quit that job, move to another place and no more trips to alternate realities! Start over and try to forget this ever happened, maybe live somewhere near a beach. I don’t know. Seriously, just sue the guy.
I'm obsessed with a fierce tiger woman. No, really, she's part tiger, part woman and all love. But my friends mock me and say I'm trying to commit bestiality. I say she's basically human, but with yummy fur on top. Is my love so wrong? If I had an operation to cover myself in fur too, would that make it okay? I need to know.
Alright, I totally see where you’re coming from. Tigers are the sexier of the creatures in the animal kingdom and she is half human after all. I’m really into Middle-Eastern guys so I totally get where you’re coming from on the fur thing ;) As long as things work out anatomically I say go for it. Does she read books? Does she drive a car? Does she own an iPod? These are things that no full-tiger could ever do. Maybe have her make a sweet playlist for your friends to listen to as proof that she is a person too. Make sure she doesn’t put Death Cab For Cutie on it though because that is a shitty band and no real person in their right mind would ever want to listen to them. It would almost be like she is mocking humanity.
As for surgery, no need, man. If your lady loves you as is, then stay as is. Also it’d probably look really fake, like a full body toupee. What happens if you guys break up? You’ll become some faux-furry jackass who isn’t getting laid anymore.
As I mentioned earlier, friends suck. Stay in love, keep banging your tiger woman, and stay away from Death Cab.
If you have questions for Alison, e-mail us! Otherwise, tune in next Friday as Alison answers even more superpowered romantic dilemmas!
Alison Stevenson is a stand-up comic and writer living in Oakland, CA. She performs all over the bay area. She is also the creator of a soon to be released zine titled Neuropuddy. You can see clips of her performing, read other articles she's written, or contact her for some reason by visiting her website, nodancing.tumblr.com