Women in Comics: I Don't Get That Shit

A column article by: Dick Phallon

 

Dick Phallon likes two things: comics and bro'in out hard with a good group of bros. When given the opportunity to write about both, the column DudeBro Comics blasted right out of little Dick and into your face. Dick is going to teach all you kids what comics are really about on a weekly basis. Enjoy!


 

 

It wasn't too long ago that I was sitting in room 6DE at the San Diego Convention Center, listening to Dan (motherfucking) DiDio spout on about how the New 52 was going to revolutionize the industry, make a shit-ton of cash, be the greatest thing to happen to comics since Jack Kirby bought a pen, bullshit-bullshit-bullshit PR crap. I mean, what else was that asshole gonna say? Then, when he gave the mic over to the audience for questions, concerns and some much-expected shit-talking, some chick in a Batgirl outfit goes up and starts bitching at DiDio.

Frankly, I was just happy that DiDio was getting his ass handed to him at his own fucking event, but then I started listening to what the Batgirl had to say. She was talking about how few female comic creators DC had brought into the mix and how making Babs Gordon Batgirl again was a travesty and bullshit-bullshit-bullshit feminist propaganda. Then I thought (in the middle of her making her point because I totally lost interest), who the fuck wants more bitches in comics?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not sexist. I just think that women have a place in comics already and it belongs to those little indie comics that no one reads anyway. What could a woman bring to Superman that George Perez can't? A new look at the character, you say? A different spin on a tale that has aged quite a bit? Well, I'm sorry to let you all in on this, but if you are reading superhero comics for fresh stories and new takes on the same ol' characters, then you're doing it wrong! Superhero comics are like Linus' security blanket: it'll never change, but that shit will always keep the kid warm and safe. I don't want change in comics. I just want Kal-El, Bruce Wayne, Hal Jordan and Barry Allen to embrace me, hold me tight and never let go.

I, for one, don't get why it's a bad thing for Barbara Gordon to be Batgirl again. What was so great about being a hot redhead if you're also a paraplegic? Might as well have asked the Joker to shoot you in the head and end it all, if you ask me. As Batgirl, she can go out and be right under Bat-banner and take out some of those bad guys. As the Oracle, all she did was sit in a wheelchair (because what else could she do) and tell Batman and the Birds of Prey where the bad guys are. What a useless character! When I was playing Batman: Arkham Asylum, all I wanted was for Barbara to shut the fuck up! I'm Batman! I don't need you nagging me while Killer Croc is trying to bite my dick off!

And what of DC's "poor depictions of female characters"? Honestly, did anyone really care about Starfire in the DC Universe outside of Dick Grayson before she came out of the water in a skimpy bikini? I don't think so. From what I gathered, most people were surprised she was even in a book when they announced Red Hood and the Outlaws. Let me just say that I became a big fan of that orange chick. I got that page hung up on my wall right now! And who's going to argue with the fact that she is a pinnacle of feminism because she chooses to be sexually liberating? Answer: NO ONE (except those lesbians over at ComicsAlliance).

And Catwoman having sex with Batman is not a big deal! Catwoman has always been fucking Batdick. Did everyone just realize this? Seeing Catwoman's bra and Batman's rock-hard, eight-pack abs doesn't hurt anyone. Hell, I enjoyed it. And what did you think Catwoman was doing in Batman's hotel room in Batman, Incorporated? She wasn't there to steal his utility belt...

Plus, aren't we giving women too much power in comics nowadays? What about that book Fatale by Brubaker and Phillips? It's about this bitch that manages to pussy-whip every man she ever meets with magic and they just do her bidding. Whatever she wants them to do -- kill some dude she doesn't like, pay her rent, kill themselvesthey do, without question. You never see a man able to do that. And you know what, I want to. Why not? How come men can't get what they want in comics?! That never happens. Even now, Superman lost Lois Lane, Spider-Man lost Mary Jane, Dick Grayson lost Starfire to one of the other Robins and Red Arrow. When can we get a male character that can just bend a dude over and get him to do whatever the other wants? I wanna see that!

Now, let's get back to the number of female creators in comics. They're there. Gail Simone is writing over at DC. And she is the one that is bringing Babs back to Batgirl! Why are you bitches complaining?! Plus, don't dudes give us better comics? Y'all are complaining about the writing quality of Suicide Squad but what comic that a woman has written can compete with that?

I know that women in comics is important. I mean, what would Superman be without Lois Lane? But in all honesty, ladies, which comic book movie would you rather go see: Wonder Woman or The Man of Steel? Which Teen Titan do you like more: Starfire or Robin? Who rocks the wheelchair better: Oracle or Professor X? I know, if it came right down to it, I'd rather snuggle up in bed with Spider-Man than Spider-Woman. When I make my weekly trips to the Farmer's Market, I'd rather have Cyclops in-hand than Emma Frost. I just would. Wouldn't you? Especially considering Emma Frost is such a mean bitch. It's like that chick is constantly on-the-rag!



 

 

Dick Phallon has been reading comics for as long as he can remember (about a year-and-a-half ago). He likes crime comics, hentai and when Jim Lee draws Batman like he's a wrestler from the late-'80s. He believes strongly in the ruling by the honorable Dr. Dre in 1992 that "bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks" and that Venom is the greatest character the medium of comics has ever produced.

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