My Pimp Hand Is Strong!

By Beau Smith

Well, it’s the New Year. We’ve put another 365 days behind us and we’re on our way to knocking some more. I hope the holidays were good for all of you. I had a very good time, a bit crazy and busy, but good.

The Christmas day gathering at my mom’s house was filled with around 30 family members plus various girlfriends, boyfriends and guests. There was lots of food, drink, little kids running around and my mom barking off commands whenever she felt the urge. With my mom that’s most of the time.

Ages in attendance went from 78 years old to 9 months. Looks like you get diapers and soft food at both ends of the age spectrum.

At one point during the afternoon the women folk made the mistake of letting me carry my grandson, Andrew (“Jethro”. They hate it when I call him that, but every kid gets a nickname) around while they were attending to other matters. Like I said, their mistake.

"Bad Santa" Beau And His Evil Elf, "Jethro"

I hauled the boy into the den where there was a pretty good crowd. That and a prop were all that we needed. I found the prop on the footstool. One of the nieces had left one of their baby dolls laying there unattended, their mistake.

The toy baby doll was about Andrew’s size so I figured it was even up odds. I proceeded to use Andrew as my own personal ventriloquist dummy. (I used to do this with my son, Nick when he was this age.)

With the baby doll lying there I placed Andrew straddling the chest of the baby doll. I then placed his little hands on the throat of the baby doll, then with my superior powers of ventriloquism, I had Andrew turn into his alter ego of “Jethro” and say:

“First day of school, eh? Well give up the lunch money. I’m Rick James, bitch!”

The younger relatives snickered and laughed enjoying my crude humor. Andrew also seemed to like it, as he didn’t remove his hands from the baby doll’s neck. The older crowd just rolled their eyes as they had seen and heard my crass act many times before in past decades. Just as I had Andrew throttling the baby doll really good, my wife came in and swooped the boy from my grasp telling me that I was terrible and should be ashamed. I reminded her that he was only 9 months old and would never remember it, to which she reminded ME that he would, because my crazy family would tell him over and over for the rest of his life.

She whisked him away into another room filled with women talking of China patterns and other such nonsense. I slinked into the kitchen for more food that I really shouldn’t have been eating.

Later in the evening I did get my revenge when once again I gained control of the boy and let him resume his role of “Jethro”. I carried him over by my wife and she smiled and cooed and made awful baby talk to him as I held him. I then raised his little hand like he was gonna back slap her and again using my fantastic powers of ventriloquism I had Andrew say:

“My pimp hand is strong. Fetch me a beer, House Frau!”

She and the other women groaned and tried to hurl shame at me that I easily repelled. This time me and the boy made our escape before any of Oprah’s acolytes could grab him and give him a debriefing.

So, yeah…my Christmas was good. I was Bad Santa and “Jethro” was my evil elf. Tis’ the season to be pleasin’.

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Busted Knuckles Manly Cover Of The Week

Luke Cage Hero For Hire #14 and #29
Marvel Comics




In the 1970s nobody’s pimp hand was as strong as that of Luke Cage-Hero For Hire. When you’ve got a gallery of bad guys like “Big Ben” and M. Fish” then you better come strong and you better come strapped. These two wonderful covers show that special time in comics when you could always hear the music of Isaac Hayes playing in the background as Luke Cage put the disturbin’ in urban.

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Busted Knuckles Babe Of The Week




Kate Vernon
- actress

Kate Vernon has always been one of my favorites. She can play anything from a dangerous vixen, tough as nails soldier to a soccer mom. She is one of the best actresses at using facial expressions to relay emotions and character that I’ve ever seen. You may know her from her roles in movies and TV like Battlestar Galactica, CSI, Soldier Of Fortune, The Outer Limits, and Nash Bridges. You may not know that her dad, The late John Vernon, was one of the best character actors to ever show up in film and TV. He is immortal as Dean Wormer in Animal House. He was also famous for always playing great bad guys. He had a commanding voice and a great presence of intimidation. He also had one hot daughter in Kate Vernon.

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The Roundup

I hope that 2008 is gonna be your best year ever. I’m gonna try and make it mine. I want to thank all the really nice Knuckleheads that sent me some extra fine gifts for Christmas. You didn’t have to, but I’ll keep em’ just the same. Thank you!


And This Is What Happens To You When You Are Beau's Sons At Christmas. (Notice VooDoo Santa in the background mocking the boys.)

I also want to thank all of you for making Busted Knuckles your weekly stop for all that is manly in pop culture. I hope to see you here in 2008 and I hope you bring friends.

Your amigo,

Beau Smith
The Flying Fist Ranch
P.O. Box 706
Ceredo, WV. 25507
http://www.flyingfistranch.com
beau@flyingfistranch.com

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Prove your manhood by visiting Beau at the Flying Fist Forum!

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