Merry Christmas From The Flying Fist Ranch

By Beau Smith

The big day is pretty much here depending on when you find time to read this. I’m talking about Christmas, of course.

As I write this, the snow is coming down and the winds are a blowing making everything look very Christmas-like. I took a long walk this morning and even though it was pretty cold, it felt really good. It’s even better when I take the dogs on patrol in the evenings because all the lights and town decorations are up.

I have to comment that this year I did a bang-up job decorating the tree here at the ranch. I’m not real sure what it was that I did to make it look good, but it worked. I’ve gotten lots of compliments on it and that’s a good thing for a big ego like me.

My shopping is almost done. Still a few things left, but nothing that I’ll have to rush around for. One of the really fun things for me is getting stuff to put in the boys stockings. Granted, they’re all grown men now, but they really look forward to all the goofy stuff I put in their stocking. Most of it is to amuse and some of it to torment them. I’m good at that.

The holiday season so far has been full of some fun stuff such as meeting buddies of mine for beers at local eateries and bars, my long suffering wife, Beth went with some of her friends and took tours of some of the noted houses in town that open their doors so show off their Martha Stewart style of decorating. I think that’s some sorta chick thing. I might partake if they were handing out free beer and some burgers, but I think it’s more of the wine and cheese crowd.

Speaking of Christmas Decorations, we have one here at the ranch that’s actually pretty creepy. VooDoo Santa.

VooDoo Santa is a wind up Santa Claus that we’ve had for well over twenty years. He has a shifty look in his beady eyes and you never know when he’s watching you and trying to creep you out. Example: Back in 1989 during the Christmas holidays I was laying on the couch late in the evening, in fact the clock read five minutes until midnight. I was lying there watching TV bathed in the light of the Christmas tree. All of a sudden, VooDoo Santa starts twisting and turning and playing his tinkling little Christmas song at the wrong speed and looking pretty weird as he does it. I looked up surprised and also saw that the clock was at exactly midnight.

Just as suddenly as he started up he stopped. I calmed down a bit and slid the 9mm pistol that I keep under the couch cushion back in place. (You never know who is gonna try and come down your chimney…) I worked up the courage to check VooDoo Santa out and made sure his wind up key was all the way down. Figured it was just jarred into action or something. While I was up I figured I might as well call it a night, so I turned out the lights and locked the doors and started walking down the hall. Then I heard it again.

I looked up on the shelf and there was the fat man in red doing his spooky little dance and playing that off key song again. He stopped as soon as I looked at him. He’s tricky like that. Needless to say I shoved him in a sack and he has been there ever since, until this Christmas. I figured that enough time had passed and the little turd had learned his lesson being in solitary for a few years. I was wrong.

The other night, late, as I was going to bed, he did it again. This time I swear he had more of an attitude about it. He was even creepier than before and his little song was even more “nails on a chalkboard-like”. What did I do?

I ran down the hall, locked the bedroom door and stayed there. I wasn’t gonna mess with the bearded little tormentor. After more than ten years in the hole he was badder than ever. So now he keeps his place on the shelf as his turf. He dances and casts his stink-eye whenever he wants and I do my best to stay out of his way. A strong man knows when to pick his battles. This one aint’ mine.

I’ve watched It’s A Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart as I have for many, many years. I still think it’s one of the best movies ever and really shows off the great acting of Jimmy Stewart and what a true master Director Frank Capra was. The camera work of that film is really great and something that anyone studying film should really look at.

My beloved Chicago Bears play on my birthday this year (12/17) on Monday Night Football. With our chances for the playoffs dead I hope they go balls to the wall all and really try some fun stuff and spoil the season for who ever they play the rest of the year.