Buddy Scalera is a comic book writer and self-publisher.
He is best know for his co-writing work on Deadpool and his solo story in Weapon X. He has contributed to X-Men Millennial Visions, X-Men Unlimited and other comics. He co-wrote and self-published Necrotic: Dead Flesh on a Living Body. He also recently published a multimedia CD-Rom titled Visual Reference for Comic Artists. Currently Buddy has a two-issue arc of Agent X in stores.
Scalera worked at Wizard Online for many years as the original Online Editor.
A November 7, 2002 news story from Reuters reported: "The club drug Ecstasy may damage a broader range of brain cells than most research has suggested, according to a new study in monkeys."
Let's focus on the last part "according to a new study in monkeys."
Folks, scientists have officially run out of things to research. They are now throwing rave parties for monkeys.
Picture this. A team of geeky scientists in long, white lab coats going to an all night rave. The music is pounding, bodies are bumping, and half the crowd is under 16. Doctor Vincent Wastingmoney is talking to a pimply-faced brat in a knit hat.
"I need 400 hits of Methylenedioxymethamphetamine," shouts Dr. Wastingmoney.
"What? How many? I can't hear you!" shouts Pimply Brat.
"E. I need 400 hits of E," Dr. Wastingmoney repeats. "And some Glo-Sticks."
"That's what I thought you said, Why do you need 400 hits of E?"
"It's for my monkey."
Long pause.
"Oh. I'll be right back."
The kid goes into his mother's Ford Aerostar and comes out with 400 hits of Ecstasy and a box of green Glo-Sticks. The docs insist that the monkeys prefer red, but the Pimply Brat says he gave all the red ones to some scientists giving Ecstasy to elephants.
The scientists race back to the lab, careful not to exceed the speed limit. Nobody wants to explain to the cops why they're going to give Ecstasy to monkeys.
Safely back in the lab, the scientists split up to manage different elements of the experiment. One team preps the animals, another administers the doses. One lone scientist, DJ Master Test-Tube, is the madman on the turntable. He spins a lot of Moby, the new Christina song, and a remixes from his research retreat to Ibiza.
The monkeys freak out because they think it's another one of those Revlon experiments where the scientists squirt glops of concentrated cosmetics into their eyeballs "to observe possible adverse effects." The monkeys hate this despite the free makeover.
Pretty soon, twenty horny monkeys are rolling on E. They tear off their clothes and dance until they drop from exhaustion. The scientists distribute bottles of Water Joe and pacifiers. The beat pounds, the lights dim, and dozens of green Glo-Sticks twinkle like fireflies.
Of course, someone forgets to hook the monkeys up to EKG machines, and they miss all of their key measurements on heart rate and brain waves. They'll have to throw another rave again tomorrow night. Darn.
This entire experiment is designed to…mmmm, hold on, I forget… Oh yeah! To prove that club drugs are bad for monkeys. And since most teens have the mental capacity of small, furry animals from the jungle… that means Ecstasy is bad for teens.
Other findings of note: The pimply-faced brat actually had red Glo-Sticks. But he was saving them for some Canadian scientists doing a heroin experiment with crocodiles.
