Michael Deeley has been reading comics since he was 12 years old. His first book was an issue of Silver Surfer by Jim Starlin, leading him to see all comics as ideological conflicts with big-ass fight scenes. At the very least, he expects a comic to be entertaining in some fashion, which is why he thinks Secret Wars II is better than Dark Knight Strikes Back. He has never work in the comics field, but he does have a belligerent attitude and a lot of free time.
During his brief intervals in the real world, Michael looks for a paying job that should, (theoretically) lead to a better life involving more comics, privacy, and women.
He currently lives between Pittsburgh, PA, and the Pittsburgh International Airport, in a suburb so new, it only has one McDonalds.
“Why start something if it’s just going to end badly?” -Tom Welling, “Smallville” 3rd Season Premiere
“How can they do a show based on Superman if he doesn’t have any powers?” -Me, when “Smallville” first aired.
This week, I was going to review several TV shows inspired by comic books. Nearly every comics-based show on TV today is a cartoon. “Spider-Man”, “Teen Titans”, “Justice League”, and “X-Men: Evolution” are the most prominent examples. But I started the week by watching the one live-action series based on a comic book: “Smallville”.
Suddenly, I saw a way to write an entire column on this series.
There was so much to hate.
“Smallville” first went on the air in October of 2001. It’s been a solid ratings winner for its network, the WB. The first season is now available on DVD and is being repeated Sunday nights. I, personally, saw two episodes of this series before watching it last week. I saw the series premiere, and a later episode about a kid who “Hulked out” in the sunlight. I wasn’t impressed by either one. But I knew TV shows changed and evolved over time. Perhaps “Smallville” would appeal to me now. “Third time’s the charm”, as they say.
They also say “three strikes you’re out”.
The third season premiere has Clark Kent wearing a red Kryptonite ring which turns him into a “bad boy”. Kent leaves Smallville and moves to Metropolis where he steals money and knocks guys around. His displays of power catch the attention of crime boss Morgan Edge, (played by Rutger Hauer), who wants Clark to work for him.
Meanwhile, in Smallville, the Kents are going to lose their farm, and many local businesses are threatened by the presence of Lexcorp. (No specifics on how or why that is.) Chloe knows where Clark is hiding, but is keeping it a secret from an increasingly worried Lana Lang. Chloe has also been giving information about Clark to Lionel Luthor to help her career as a reporter. There’s also a ring of stones that somehow contains the mind and/or power of Jor-El that might have had something to do with Clark accidentally blowing up half the farm and putting his mom in the hospital.
Last season ended with Lex Luthor, Lionel’s son, marrying Dr. Helen Bryce, whom Lionel hired to spy on Lex. While flying to the honeymoon, Bryce and the pilot bail out, leaving Lex to crash on a desert island. Here, Lex lives with another castaway who tries to convince Lex Bryce tried to kill him. Lex refuses to believe he was betrayed by his new wife. Back at the Luthor home, the new “widow” Luthor starts butting heads with Lionel who’s determined to destroy Bryce for killing his son.
By the episode’s end, Chloe tells Lana where Clark is hiding. Lana goes to him and calls the Kents. John Kent bargains with Jor-El’s ghost for power to retrieve his son. He and Clark are last seen falling out of a high rise building. Lex’s friend turns out to be imaginary and psychotic. It seems Lex has a repressed desire to kill his father.
To paraphrase Roger Ebert, I hated this show. Hated, hated, hated, HATED IT! Several reasons why; let’s get to the big one: Except for the people playing the Luthors and Bryce, no one can act. Honestly, I feel nothing from these characters. These pretty-face teens and 20-somethings just mouth their lines like they’re reading a menu. And Allison Mack, who plays Chloe, looks like she went to the same non-acting school as Calista Flockhart. Lana’s mood changes can only be measured in pico-meters. She goes from mildly worried to slightly ticked to, well they’re really just different shades of bored.
And Tom Welling still acts like a pussy. Even when he’s supposed to be a “bad boy”, it’s so unconvincing you could laugh. (Except it’s not over-the-top bad, so you really can’t laugh.) I’ve noticed in the past the Welling plays Clark like he has no balls. I’ve found Clark to be whiny, weak-willed, easily pushed-around, timid, and just plain non-masculine. Hell, I could kick his ass! I don’t know if the series’ creators are planning a shock ending where it’s revealed Kryptonian men do not have testicles, or if they just made a conscious effort to remove everything connected to Superman.
Really, that’s what we’re seeing: A Superman story with everything except Superman. Take away the powers, and you have an ordinary guy who just happens to be a good-looking alien. Take away the double identity, and you have no way for Clark to escape the troubles of day-to-day life. Take away Metropolis, and you’ve got a small farm town in the middle of nowhere. So we’ve got this human-looking alien who’s a little tougher than most folks. He can’t fly, can’t pretend to be someone else, and has to deal with mundane life all day, every day. Occasionally, there’s a monster or some other super-powered kid to deal with. But Clark has to take care not to be seen fighting this menace for fear of scaring away his friends and bringing more trouble onto his parents.
Christ, it’s like Spider-Man without a mask. How wrong is that?
But there’s more: Not only are series producers Alfred Gough and Miles Millar removing all positive aspects of the Superman identity, they’re making the effort to create negative associations with Clark’s alter ego. Consider how Jor-El coldly dismisses Jonathan’s concern for Clark, as opposed to the benevolent God-like portrayal he’s normally had. Clark’s prolonged use of the Red K ring causes a scar to appear on his chest shaped like the five-sided “S” shield with a figure 8 in the center. Thus, Superman’s famous symbol is connected to Clark’s evil personality.
Finally, Clark Kent will return to Smallville and avoid Metropolis. He will leave Metropolis and come back home. I mean, they’re not going to change the name of the series any time soon. And if and when Clark leaves for good, the series will be over. So Clark Kent’s departure, the day he accepts his power and acknowledges his responsibility to the greater world, the day he decides to be Superman, will mean the end of the series. Maybe I’m stretching a bit because of my own situation. I’m trying to leave home and live on my own. I’m still growing up and finding my place in the outside world. Maybe I’m taking this too personally. But think: Aren’t the best stories you’ve ever read are the ones where the protagonists grow and change? Don’t you get bored with comic books where nothing changes? Where the heroes are always the same, no matter what happens to them? Don’t you hate spending your hard earned money and your precious time on a story only to have it end with the hero in exactly the same place as he was when it started? I know I do.
“Smallville” seems to be making a conscious effort to insult and even destroy everything great about the Superman character. Consider: the identity of Superman gives Clark Kent the means to help people all over the world. It also helps Clark’s career as a reporter. His powers help make his life a little easier than most people’s. Superman helps Clark Kent get through the day, while Clark Kent gives Superman the perspective of the people he protects. If there’s one thing superheroes all have in common, it’s the idea of escape. When life gets Clark Kent down, he can always fly. If there’s one power Superman needs, its flight. Traffic jams? Crowded elevators? Rainy day? No problem. Just jump up and take to the sky, and all your problems are beneath you. Take away the powers, the very identity of Superman, and what are you left with? A boring dork like the rest of us. And who wants to see that?
Worst of all is how this series will not, in any way whatsoever, attract people to the Superman comics. I mean, just open up a Superman comic, and read it while watching the show. They’re complete opposites! The audience for “Smallville” is something I cannot conceive. Such people would be so different from what I know and love that they might as well be aliens to me. Who watches this show, anyway? Pre-teen girls? Fans who missed “Dawson’s Creek”? Closet homosexuals? Who?
But as bad as the actors are, as insulting, indeed blasphemous, to the very concept of the superhero, I actually found something in this show I liked. The saga of Lex Luthor is fascinating. Here is a young man being manipulated by his father and his lover. He’s only now coming to realize it. What we’re seeing is the creation of a villain; how a man turns to evil. Many thanks to Michael Rosenbaum for giving the best performance of the entire cast. He really brings the character to life and makes me feel what he’s feeling. The animosity between John (Lionel Luthor) Glover and Emmanuelle (Dr. Bryce) Vaugier is palpable. Watching these two butt heads and match wits would be great. Unfortunately, I’d have to suffer through the rest of this crap show. I’m not walking through one foot of shit just to find a perfect rose. Maybe they should divide the show into two series: “Smallville” and “Luthor”. That way, I can skip the bad and enjoy the good. (The Clark and Luthor storylines don’t really connect anyway, making you feel like you’re already watching two different shows.)
I watched this episode on tape the Thursday morning after it aired. It filled me with a hatred and disgust that has let to leave me. So, for making me feel like crap all day, I give “Smallville” a single . If not for the excellent Luthor story, I’d give it no bullets at all.
And let the following go on record: Fuck “Smallville”. Fuck the show, fuck the producers, fuck Alfred Gough, fuck Miles Millar, fuck Tom Welling, fuck Kristin (Lana Lang, why the hell is she Asian anyway?) Kreuk, fuck Allison Mack, fuck the WB, because they have nothing worth watching, (unless “Angel” turns out to be good), and fuck all you readers who watch this show. You are traitors to the genre and the fan community. You are encouraging the destruction of all we hold dear, and aiding in the negation of our beliefs. If we were a church, your viewership would mean excommunication. However, given the tastes of most readers, both good and bad, I do not think there are many of you readers who watch this show.
Honestly, I haven’t seen anything so anti-comic book since “Unbreakable”.
And now, let us renew our faith through the collective enjoyment of this week’s offerings:
Solus #6 -
CrossGen the company has made more news than any of their comics. It’s sad to see the first and only comic book company that operated like a real publishing business suffer such financial troubles. Maybe they expanded too quickly. Maybe their comics were more like a superhero line than they wanted to admit. In any case, here’s hoping they stay in business and keep putting out great series.
Anyway, in this issue, the spirit of Altwaal, first of the First, tells Solus that it’s not yet time to gather her forces. Lindy overdoses on the energies of Elysia and grows into a giant. While the First are powerless to stop her, she is able to fend off the flaming dragon that’s been following them. There are a couple of nice double-page spreads here, but beyond that, it’s kind of silly.
Cerebus #294 -
Cerebus remembers the music festival that drove his son away from him, gave his mother more power in the church, and legalized abortion. More comedy and anti-French jokes as the Upper Felda Sanctuary continues to prevent the visit from Cerebus’ son, and welcomes an eternity of being sodomized by a mechanized dildo.
Hey, at least it’s done well.
Wildcats 3.14 -
Spartan and Dolby prepare to launch the new ad campaign for Halo’s electric car. Grifter organizes a technology theft from a super-villain. And Leslie gets his wife and agent Wax together for a long talk. This should be good.
This comic has an ad for a device that’s supposed to make your car invisible to radar. At first, I thought it was a gag; a little extra to flesh out the story. Turns out it’s real. Fancy that. Ads in comics for adult consumers.
Paradise X Vol. 1 -
Reprinting ‘Paradise X’ #0-5, the ‘Heralds’ mini-series, and the ‘Xen’ special. The new paradise is expanding and destroying inhabited planets in the Negative Zone. The angelic host doubts Mar-Vell’s divinity when he doesn’t seem aware that no one on Earth is dying. Indeed, Mephisto is brutally “killing” everyone he can, making Earth a hell. And while Earth’s best minds try to create a new Death, X-51 gathers heroes from alternate dimensions to expose all watchers everywhere.
This reads better as one book than a monthly mini-series. Granted, it’s getting caught up in its own mythology, but I find that kind of story entertaining. That’s why I’ve followed the Earth X “saga” for so long. Knowing what’s ahead, I look forward to re-reading the final battle against Mephisto, the new Death, and the ultimate fate of all the souls in Paradise.
And filling up the week:
Millennium Edition reprint of Sensation Comics #1; Captain America, V1, #117; Bacchus Vol. 5; Uncanny X-Men #266-269; X-tinction Agenda TPB; and “Days of Future Past”, told in Fantastic Four Annual #23, X-Factor Annual #5, New Mutants Annual #6, and Uncanny X-Men Annual #14, (nice story. Check it out.) Also, all the Dark Horse Comics I talked about last week were read during this week. That’s just how the scheduling goes.
This past Wednesday saw the release of Indy Clix, new Hero Clix figures based on non-Marvel and DC comics. I’ll be buying a box, playing a game, and telling you all about it. Until then, remember: Thou shalt not watch any series that uses the name of a hero but not the hero’s costume nor powers.
