Aug. 6-12: Archie Kicked my Ass!

By Michael Deeley
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“M’Name’s Archie, but you can call me Chick.”
Archie’s first words,
From ‘Pep Comics’ #22



It’s finally happened. I’ve found a comic book I simply cannot read! I mean, I am mentally and physically incapable of deciphering the words and pictures on the page into a coherent story. I…just…can’t…do it.

It’s not that the comic was bad. I’ve read bad comics. I’ve laughed at ‘Secret Wars II’. I’ve rallied against ‘DK2’. I’ve grit my teeth and plowed through 13 straight issues of the Heroes Reborn ‘Captain America’. I thought I could read anything with words and pictures. I was wrong.

I cannot read an Archie comic. Lord knows, I’ve tried. I couldn’t.

This week, I wanted to do an all-company review of Archie comics. I figured, I’ve never really read an Archie comic before, (except ‘Archie vs. The Punisher’, great book!), and since this column is all about the varied reading experiences a comics fan could have, I thought I really ought to give one of the oldest and most stable publishers a fair shake.

First a little background: By 1941, the Golden Age of Comics was underway. Since Superman’s debut three years previous, dozens of new comics were published featuring superheroes, funny animals, and comic strip knock-offs. MLJ publishing wanted to do something different. At the time, Mickey Rooney was appearing in a popular series of films playing “Andy Hardy”, a wholesome teen-ager with a knack for getting into trouble. The character’s popularity inspired the editors at MLJ to create a comic book teen-ager that real kids could relate to. In December of 1941, Archie Andrews made his first appearance in MLJ’s ‘Pep Comics’ #22. The same month the USA entered WWII saw the debut of an American icon.

Face it, people, even if you’ve never read an Archie comic, you know what they’re about: Archie’s always torn between which girl to date, Betty or Veronica. Reggie’s always making trouble for Arch, but can always rely on his best, (if gluttonous) friend Jughead to help him. Nothing really bad happens in the town of Riverdale. There are no drugs, violence, racism, poverty, or even divorce! It’s the perfect town that never was, and that’s how it’ll always stay. The fact that we all know this without ever reading an issue shows how pervasive the stories have become. Archie, like Superman, Batman, and Spider-Man, is one of the most recognizable comic book characters in the country, possibly the world! (A professor in British Columbia discovered that 30% of all Archie comics were purchased by Canadians.)

Archie’s iconic status isn’t so surprising when you look back at his history. The character launched a whole new genre of comics about teen-agers, but he’s the only one to remain unchanged. An Archie radio show was produced in 1943 and aired for ten years. The syndicated strip launched in 1947, and still appears in newspapers! Two animated series air on Saturday mornings, and a band using the Archie characters had a hit song with “Sugar Sugar”. Even spin-off characters like Josie and the Pussycats and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch have found success on TV and in movies. But most importantly, Archie Andrews has remained in continuous publication for over 60 years! Only Superman and Batman can make the same claim. (Yes, I know Captain America and Wonder Woman appeared in 1940, but their series have been cancelled and re-launched on several occasions.)

Even I’ve partaken of the occasional Archie-related entertainment. I watched the cartoon show in 1990. I loved the Archie vs. Punisher comic. I even got the “Josie and the Pussycats” movie on VHS. (Hey, it was free, and it was either that or “Bring it On”, and I sure as HELL didn’t want to see 90 minutes of cheerleading!)

A quick side bar here on the “Josie” movie. It really is a fun film, with great jokes and a real mindbender of a message. The story has the band used by a corporation who put subliminal messages in their music. These messages fill teenage listeners with the burning desire to buy stuff, hence turning them into easily controlled consumers. The Pussycats are also constantly surrounded by brand-name products and logos. Now think: Is the conspicuous presence of brand-name products the filmmakers’ way of showing the audience how the band is being used as a cog in corporate machine? Or were the filmmakers trying to show how brand names have become so prevalent in society that big business can now advertise in every part of our lives? Maybe the studio just wanted to put a lot of product placements into the movie, meaning the movie itself is like the band and the studio the story’s villains. But did the studio know about the film’s anti-corporate story, or did they just force the filmmakers into putting in all those logos, or did they just not care? “So the movie’s about how everything we think and do is controlled by big business? Great! How can we work in the Target logo?” Was the studio clueless or cynical?

Here’s an easier one: If you watch the film, you’ll notice how Josie is much more emotional with her “bandmates” than she is with her “boyfriend”. It adds a subtext that I’m sure creator Dan DeCarlo never intended!

“Josie and the Pussycats” is the kind of movie the characters discuss in Grant Morisson’s ‘Invisibles’: Secretly subversive while appearing to be mundane. And for connecting ‘The Invisibles’ with “Josie and the Pussycats”, I am now qualified to receive an Eisner award for Best Comics Journalism!

Anyway, I decided it was time I bit the bullet and saw for myself what an Archie comic was really like. I’d read the Free Comic Book Day comic Archie gave away, and wasn’t impressed. I found it to be pretty simple and straightforward; definitely written for a young audience. I thought it was typical of the Archie Comics line.

I was wrong.

Very wrong.

Very, very, VERY wrong!

To prepare myself, I started slowly. First, I read ‘Looney Tunes’ #100. No, it’s not an Archie comic, but it is a comic written for children. It’s also very funny, with art by Bill Wray, Kyle Baker, and Jimmy Palmiotti. I thought it would put me in the right frame of mind for a family-oriented, non-violent humor comic. Turns out, ‘Looney Tunes’ had more violence and sexual innuendo than Archie.

My first real Archie comic was ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ #126. I actually looked forward to this, being a fan of the Sonic video games since the character’s debut on the Sega Genesis in 1991. (Sonic’s no stranger to cross-media marketing either, having appeared in two animated series, plus a Japanese series coming to Fox this fall.) This issue begins with a brief summary of last issue’s events. Sonic saved his homeworld of Mobius by destroying a doomsday machine. His friends believe him dead. In fact, he’s been transported to the far side of the universe on a planet of telepathic ants. Sonic saves these ants from giant wasps by tapping into the power of 6 red Chaos emeralds. These emeralds create a powerful, yet evil, yellow double of Sonic that soon fades away. The issue ends with the Sonic and the book’s editor battling the evil Deadline.

This comic reminded me of the animated books I read for Ray Tate last month. It’s a straightforward adventure story with Sonic playing the hero without hesitation or doubt. The art’s OK, though I prefer the work by the artists of the story’s second half. Overall, it’s a fun, light read. The only question I have is, why is it priced at $2.19? Why not $2.50 or $2.99? $2.19 is a pretty odd price for a comic these days.

And now, without anymore ado, prelude, or self-loathing, we FINALLY get to a comic featuring Archie Andrews and his friends: ‘Archie & Friends’ #73. What did I think of it?

One word: Hamtaro.

Yes, Hamtaro, the super-cute Japanese hamster cartoon that now airs on the Cartoon Network. Hamtaro, the show so cute, you can’t bear to watch yet cannot look away. The experience of reading ‘Archie & Friends’ was similar to watching Hamtaro: Every word, every image, every second I spent reading it only further reminded me that I was not the audience for the book. Everyone’s bright and happy. Life is light and breezy. A good attitude, good friends, and hard work can overcome anything! It was so pure and wholesome I felt compelled to rape it. Seriously, I want to show how Veronica’s father murdered his wife, Betty’s a closet lesbian, Moose is retarded, and Reggie’s pranks on Archie are his attempts to kill the love he feels. Now I know how Mark Millar felt when he first read ‘Uncanny X-Men’.

Alright, maybe I am a sick, cynical bastard. That only means Archie comics aren’t for me. I’m not the best guy to give you a review about them. I can tell you that, technically, they’re a solid read. The art is clear and easy to follow. In fact, you don’t need to read the dialogue at all. I flipped through ‘Archie’ #539, barely reading a word, and still understanding what the stories were about. The timing of the comedy is regular. They hit all the beats, and even when you see the twist coming it’s still amusing. Overall, ‘Archie’ is a solid read that has all the fundamentals of comic and comedic storytelling.

Unfortunately, that’s about all it has. The stories lack subtlety, the characters aren’t very deep, and the art is mundane. Yeah, I know it’s written for kids who haven’t read many comics. To be honest, if you have seen the work of Alan Moore, Jim Lee, Jack Kirby, Warren Ellis, or even Rob Liefeld, you’re going to find Archie books seriously lacking.

Of course, these comics aren’t made for me, or even most of you. They’re made for 5-10 year olds who’re just learning to read. They’re for the parents who think their kids are too young for superhero comics. (And with all that violence and sublimated sex, who can blame them?) And since Archie comics has been publishing pretty much the same product for over 60 years, it looks like there always was and will be such an audience.

I want to commend Archie comics for two things. 1. Remaining a fixture in the mass market and the newsstands. No supermarket comics rack is complete without an Archie book. And you’ll often see one of their digest books at the checkout counter. 2. The publisher emphasizes reading the books over collecting them. Back issues and trade books are available for order directly from Archie. The website even lets you order b&w photocopies of their superhero books from the 1960’s. By promoting their books as entertainment rather than “collectibles”, Archie comics have retained that quality held by other magazines, yet lost by the big publishers: Archie comics are disposable. You can throw them away when you’re done, and not feel like you’re losing anything.

Well folks, I wanted to review a lot more of Archie’s books, but my brain couldn’t handle the lack of activity. I barely got through three of their comics. I’m too afraid to face ‘Jughead’, ‘Betty & Veronica’, ‘Josie & the Pussycats’, ‘Sabrina, the Teenage Witch’, Archie: Secrets & Mysteries’, any of the four digest books, or any other comic they make with an ‘&’ in the title. But I think I got a good idea of what the company is about. Their attitudes towards readers and comics don’t’ seem to have changed much over the years. And even if I don’t like the comics, I’m sure some kids out there do. Here’s hoping Archie introduces them to more mature books as they grow up.

Unless they get hooked on manga.

Looking over the new books I read, the gulf between my tastes and the Archie books grows ever wider.


Alias #25 -

Jessica tells Luke Cage about how the Purple Man made her his slave for 8 months. He didn’t touch her, but he did everything else to humiliate her. Jessica’s career as the superhero Jewel ends when PM orders her to go to Avengers Mansion and beat up Daredevil. Of course, he’s not there, but the Avengers and Defenders are. It gets worse from there.

All right, I know Ray Tate is out there saying, “I told you so”. So let’s move on. This comic takes a classic character and “dirties him up” for the modern age. I’m talking about the Purple Man. PM was never a confrontational villain. He just made people do whatever he wanted. True, such power would lead to the corruption and perversion we see here. But PM comes off more like a cruel child than a dangerous psychotic. I’ve got a problem seeing any comic book character created before 1975 use R-rated language and express a strong desire for sex. Even if he’s a villain. Some things should be kept pure.


New X-Men #144 -

I’m not going to tell you what happens because A) I don’t really care, and B) This isn’t really an X-Men comic. Yeah, some cool stuff has happened. But can you tell me anything these characters have said or done unique to the X-Men? Has Cyclops been acting like Cyclops? Has Wolverine acted like Wolverine? I don’t think so. Morrison has written some big, cool stories, but I find them empty and cold. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it: Chuck Austen’s X-Men have more heart than Morrison’s. And I read comics for the heart. Speaking of which,


Uncanny X-Men #429 -

Good: Nightcrawler, under mind control, steals a jet and flies to an island with evidence of a prehistoric mutant civilization. Iceman’s growing mutation is discovered. Xavier and Juggernaut have a talk about their abusive father. And it looks like Jubilee is part of the team again.

Bad: Xavier leaves Lorna Dane alone with Nurse Annie, the woman she tried to kill two issues ago. I don’t care if Loran is wearing restraints, or even if this is part of Xavier’s therapy. Leaving these two alone together is D-U-M-B, dumb.


The Authority -

Swift has to kill a good man to save the world. The media’s skepticism about the invasion makes her question the point of what the Authority does. You know, way back in ‘Authority’ V1 #11 or #12, Swift said she had to compromise some of her principles to work with the team. I thought, “Hey, they could do a story where Swift just can’t go along with the team, because tired of compromising herself for the greater good.” I’m still waiting for that story. Meanwhile, I won’t read this anymore. There’s nothing interesting here, and the art is starting to hurt my eyes. Thank God I didn’t buy this.


Cerebus #292 -

Cerebus’ prayers are answered when his son Shep-Shep comes to see him for the first time in 15 years. Also, a 13-page essay on how the Marxist-Liberal Canadian government controls the CBC and sets the tone for all political discussions, and an anecdote about Harlan Ellison. What I found most interesting was a short note Sim wrote in the front cover where he compares women to the character of Delirium, from Neil Gaiman’s ‘Sandman’. Delirium, personification of madness, used to be Delight, personification of happiness. Sim compares teenage girls to Delight, who turn into Delirium when they grow older. They don’t get any smarter, he says. “Delirious women are just delightful girls who have gotten old, hard, masculine and adversarial.” He also states how he finds such women to be adversarial.

And as I’m reading this, I think, “Man, maybe it’s YOU! Maybe you haven’t really matured since you were a teen-ager. Maybe you don’t like women you’re own age because THEY DON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL THEM TO DO!” My, admittedly limited, experience with women has taught me that they are best treated as equals. Sure, women tend to be more emotional than men. That’s what makes them so interesting


Eternal #3 -

Kurassus is brought back form the dead as Ikaeden discovers other Eternals want to rebel against the Celestials. Kurassus uses monstrous Deviants from another world against these Eternals, as well as sparking rebellion among human men. I like where the story’s going, but I really have to question the graphic sex and nudity. This much makes the book feel like one of those porno/sex comics from Mangerotica.


Raijin Comics #33 - (of course)

Introducing a new series about a blue-eyed samurai called “Nemuri Kyoshiro”. It takes place in 1830, when the policies of the Tokugawa Shogunate have led to political corruption, inflation, and widespread poverty. Mizuno Tadakuni is a councilor pushing for reforms. He has many enemies, but it is his friends who want to provoke Mizuno into action. They hire Nemuri for this purpose. He sneaks into Mizuno’s home, and (possibly) rapes his mistress, who is really a spy sent by Mizuno’s enemies. Nemuri lets himself be caught. He asks Mizuno to prove the strength of his convictions by breaking a present from the Shogun. Mizuno does so, knowing it will be called treason.

Looking over the story a second time, I’m not sure if Nemuri really raped the woman. She is shown falling in love with him, which probably wouldn’t happen if he did. But then, these are different times and a different culture, when women were rarely treated like human beings. And some women accepted this state as natural.

The art is very similar to the work of Mark Bagley and Art Thibert. There are the same expressive eyes, bold, flowing inks, and angular faces. The similarity in styles is striking.

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And finally, I also read:
Millennium Editions of ‘Brave and the Bold’ #28 and #85, ‘Man of Steel’ #1, ‘New Gods’ #1, and JLA #1; Essential Avengers Vol. 3: Avengers #58-68; X-Men Unlimited #34; Slowpoke: Café Pompous; Lenore: Noogies; and ‘Swamp Thin Vol. 1: Saga of the Swamp Thing.

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I urge you all to check out Dark Horse Comics’ Strip Search over on their website, www.darkhorsecomics.com. There’s some great work up there, including local legend in the making, Tom Scioli. Vote for your favorite strip now!

On a more personal note, I am leaving my job as a telefundraiser. My bosses told me earlier this week that if I didn’t improve my stats, they would consider firing me. I thought, “How bad will it look if I get fired from a phone bank?” So I gave them two week’s notice. If anyone asks why I left, I’ll tell them, “It was a phone bank.” Everyone knows such jobs suck fat hairy ass.

Meanwhile, I am in need of a real job. If any of you in cyber-land know of a day job where I can put my college degree to use, let me know immediately. I’d prefer something related to electronics or electrical engineering, but I’m open to anything that’ll get me out of the house.

And that’s it. Next week: a sampling of some comic-based movies. Until then, beware the power of Jughead’s beanie! It’s really a time machine!

QED

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